Avengers 12.1 (a quick read)

oy! when did Hawkman join the Avengers???

a bookend to Brian Michael Bendis' relaunched Avengers run (because really, Twittergate notwithstanding, who knows what the man wants to do next? he's becoming a multimedia giant now), the Avengers find themselves cleaning up after old enemies, and running into an even older one that doesn't seem to know when its time is up.

is that War Machine or his cardboard cutout or Iron Man's hologram reflection?

the ballbuster pays a visit to our assembled heroes (i swear to God, this is the one thing they should have done a long time ago before Bendis, but it took them several long years to setup, what with the crossover stories they concocted up along the way - and it was all worth it, seeing everyone under the Avengers banner, even Banner). Jessica Drew, Agent of S.W.O.R.D., disappears during one of her alien-hunting jobs and now Agent Brand has to involve the whole team (just like she did with X-Men with Breakworld - twice). wah-wah-wah. and nobody informed Steve Rogers of her agency?? yeah, they were all busy. i'd be pissed too.

"and i am boinking her. also."

long story short, Jessica runs into an alien armor (it gave me hope that it would be a three-letter word - but it turned out to be six); however, the location is also where the sad-sack bunch of super-nerds, the Intelligencia (last seen being mopped on the floor in the pages of Hulk) are hiding. so what do a bunch of super-nerds do when they see a woman? why, undress her of course!!

i believe she did shave prior to going out on a mission.

Steve sends out selected personnel to find the missing Jessica. Iron Man would be there of course. and Thor. Beast. Wolverine (for tracking). and Space Ghost Penis, the Great Protector. Iron Man, in particular, trying his rein in his smugness after doing the noble thing of "wishing the Infinity Gems out of existence" (hah! tell that to Steve - oh, you did??), still fails miserably.

yes, Tony ... you are.

the Intelligencia tries to get info out of their naked lady prisoner, at the same time trying to figure out what that alien armor is all about. but before they can even reveal their plans to Jessica (yeah, Bendis - that was heeee-la-rious) ...

... our heroes burst in and save the day. Wolverine though, for all his posturing, doesn't even get to lay a claw on anyone. Best There Is, my ass.

can someone tell me where Thor put his cape?

so, all's well that ends well, right? no, not really, because all the poking around by D-list Iron Man villain Red Ghost results in the armor gaining sentience, and revealing itself to be ... Henry Pym's SON! (yeah, again.)

of course, that's a battle for the future. Iron Man himself said so. he knows! he's seen the future! (except Planet Hulk, Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, Siege ...)

what the hell happened to Hank's head? headshrinker!!

the Point One issues were aimed to be a nice jumping point for new readers, and they've succeeded largely to a degree. they even provide entertainment for us older fans, hence blog posts like these. if i have a complaint, its the frightening devolution of Bryan Hitch's art. he's known for ultra-detailed widescreen action splash pages, but in recent years, that's been a painful thing to see. to get his best work, it should not be under a tight deadline. oh dear.

tying the loose ends

drive-by readings

The New Avengers: Finale (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Bryan Hitch/Stuart Immonen Butch Guice/Andrew Currie/Karl Story Paul Mounts/Justin Ponsor/Rain Beredo Chris Eliopoulos

first up, let's see what Avengers maestro Brian Michael Bendis let us know about New Avengers: Finale:


i've been increasingly critical about Bryan Hitch's artwork, which was becoming 'dirtier' (maybe its the bunch of inkers he has to work with?) and due to either deadline concerns (sometimes i don't mind lateness if the artwork is blow-my-mind stellar) or the bulk of work to be drawn, he ends up drawing with painful postures and sometimes disproportionate limbs. i mean, study this scene below, and draw your own conclusions.


i love Hitch circa The Authority and The Ultimates. i believe he does his best work with Paul Neary or Andrew Currie, and will be best served with limited series work that has some leeway on its shipping schedule.

so what about the rest of the story? this is intended to tie the loose ends of Siege, because they decided that it was going to be a 4-issue series, and obviously that won't be enough to tell the whole kaboodle. last time we saw Madame Masque, she was hightailing it with her balls-less boyfriend, Parker the Robbin' Hood out of Oklahoma. turns out she went to run to her dad, Ra's Al Ghul. oh wait - that's Count Nefaria.


really, its hilarious that supervillains are named literally, to ensure that you know they're BAD: Erik Killmonger, Doctor Faustus, Eric The Red, Spymaster, Doctor Doom, Mister Fear. although Mister Fear and Dr. Doom sound really cool.

the guys need to capture them unless they want to hand the bad guys another opportunity to put them through this kind of wringer again. also, its way past time this Brian K. Vaughan creation be put to pasture, as we can agree with Count Nefaria, his 15 minutes are up. luckily, every other bad guy is more than happy to give him up. its refreshing to find the Avengers, and this time not just the regular Avengers we used to know, but every major and promoted-to-major character that Bendis incorporated into the fold during this decade, to be actually working together. Spider-Man shouldn't have to endure any JJJ tirades any longer from hereon - one word from Cap and Jameson should shut up. but then again, would that be consistent with the Spidey creative team's direction to keep him a lovable loser?


hey, hey, hey, don't call Nicky Boy a terrorist!

speaking of Spidey, i want him to be contributing some more brains to the operation. i know he's the joker of the group ("booties!"), and they need comic relief in the heat of battle, but he's smart and it was past time he got Stark sponsorship (don't mention that Spider Armor - or was that all forgotten after Brand New Day?).

Disney execs are ROTFL

the Avengers acquit themselves further by bagging the Hood, Masque, Hood's pal John King, and Nefaria, with the help of Wolverine ("anything to get away from Cyclops - guy was driving me nuts." - what, because he's under pressure to keep the mutant race alive, fend off Bastion with his leadership skills and tactics while keeping the body count to a minimum, keep his faith in Hope with Kurt in mind, AND keep his sanity knowing he's sleeping with Emma Frost every damn night? you don't say.), and the forgotten fact that Ms. Marvel can absorb energy and redirect it at you. hear that, Marvel supervillains? keep that in mind next time you meet Ms. Marvel!

its fun to see Maria Hill leading the cheers for the good guys to take over again. wasn't it so long ago she was staring down Captain America, and sought to take him down? i guess working with Tony Stark, and working Tony Stark, if you know what i mean, works wonders. holy crap - too bad Tony doesn't remember any of that! would she file a paternity suit against him if she got preggers and he denies it, because that's the truth - he really doesn't remember?

and what of Steve Rogers? 2007 was so long ago. to tell the truth, i'm not bitter that he was brought back, y'know? sure, his death, with all the hype and related comic work that earned Marvel a gazillion more dollars (catching the eye of Disney), has been taken down notches, but didn't we expect this (coming back) to happen? this was part of Marvel's plan all along - not like the death of Jean Grey on the moon, and the haphazard resurrection just to launch X-Factor. at least he's not coming back to reclaim the mantle, and they just issued a one-shot (hint: its not Who Won't Wield the Shield!) to sort that out (i'm kinda looking at you, Battle for the Cowl)

really? don't you remember you used a joy buzzer on Tony when he shook your hand in Civil War?

final scene: what, no Steve Rogers, Sharon Carter, Logan, or Natasha?

well, all's well that ends well, i guess. though i have a couple of questions: i wonder how Jessica Jones got herself an AT&T contract without being traced by Osborn/H.A.M.M.E.R.?

oh well, maybe Pete jailbroke it and added a variable cellsite piggybacker (really talking out of my ass now)

what i really wanna know is, Bryan Hitch, what's up with Luke's now-you-see-it-now-you-don't earring?



oh hey, anybody know where Daken is?

/the quick answer is: he's going to replace Wolverine, so he gets a free not-going-to-jail card.

snaps: Captain America: Reborn #6

... where everything's anti-climatic. two new pieces of information: there's an apocalyptic future coming (well, that's not news) and recite this phrase before you go to bed: "like father, like daughter."

i didn't know Sam swung that way.


you mean the Canadian cable company right?


first, she gets mind-controlled and shoots Steve. now, she makes the Red Skull like the green giant. way to go, Sharon!!!


seriously though: Bryan Hitch's art has been getting ... painful, shall we say, in the past year or so. this is not The Authority and Ultimates vol. 1 .


if its painful for us, how much more for Steve? his torso seems have been Kate Moss-ed.


they're running? are they catching the Acela back to New York? where the hell's Cloak?

by the way, does this mean they had him all along, before Clint went nuts and went to kill Osborn and the girls had to rescue him? shouldn't Steve have led the charge? who coordinates all these stories??

so ... it didn't take that long eh? it wasn't that long ago when i wrote this.





for Ed Brubaker's next trick: Jean Grey is coming back. and as a bonus, so will Uncle Ben.

snaps: Captain America: Reborn #5

... where we're still an issue away from finding out who the hell is in Captain America's body. bring me the head of the scheduling mooks who are responsible for this!

1) why the hell is he laughing when he has the pink eye? (also, who laughs like "byahahahahaa"??)


2) oh, so sticks and stones, and and also words, can break your bones.


3) so that spells out "Super M.O.D.O.K. Super Heroes" ... M.O.R.O.N.


and if they don't get to kill even one superhero ... well, well, somebody has to return their friggin' bailout money!!!!

Steve Rogers has cool contacts

just kidding. that's the Red Skull realizing his ultimate dream (again) of inhabiting Steve Rogers's body (that sounded creepy).

so, does this mean in the upcoming Siege, "Capskull America" fights alongside Thor and presumably Tony Stark to bring down Norman Osborn? holy fecal matter!

-----
Captain America: Reborn #4

drive-by readings: Captain America: Reborn #2

Captain America: Reborn #2 (Marvel) Ed Brubaker Bryan Hitch Butch Guice Paul Mounts Joe Caramagna John Cassaday/Laura Martin (alternate cover) Tim Sale/Dave Stewart (variant cover)

ok, it's time to accept the notion that Steve Rogers is not dead (hahahaha!). i have a feeling this should've been done sometime much further down the line - but the events in Dark Reign were much too good to pass up. what remains to be seen is whether he will return to the present time and be the sole Captain America again. and of course, it all makes sense - Ed Brubaker never let us down (start chanting that as your mantra). Steve's having an inside-of-body experience and reliving his WWII days, from storming Nazi castles to his taking the Super Soldier serum to meeting the press with FDR. meanwhile, in the present, Bucky Cap and his girlfriend the Black Widow (i still can't wrap my head around that one - slut!!) get captured by Ares and the H.A.M.M.E.R. goons. is it just me, or has Ares become so one-dimensional now that he's following Osborn's orders? and how does Natasha's presence here coincide with the events in Thunderbolts, where it was just revealed she replaced the Yelena Belova Black Widow on Nick Fury's orders?

if you weren't reading before, time to catch up, boys.

Ed Brubaker never let us down, Ed Brubaker never let us down ...

drive-by readings: Captain America: Reborn #1

Captain America: Reborn #1 (Marvel) "In Rage and Blood and Fire" Ed Brubaker Bryan Hitch Butch Guice Paul Mounts Joe Caramagna Alex Ross (cover)

right in time for the 4th of July, Steve Rogers is back! or is he really? i guess the answer's yes and no. somehow it makes sense (or is it just my blind trust in all things Brubaker?), and i can't say the same for all the other fans who may feel shortchanged after the end of Civil War. true, the meaning of his passing (and all those tears shed) may have been tarnished now, but hey, let's wait and see where Bru goes with this. is it going to be like Bruce Wayne's eventual return to reclaim the mantle of the Bat (you know that's coming)? or will Bucky be the permanent Captain from hereon? maybe Rogers will be back, and he'll pass the baton on to Bucky. officially this time. that being said, damn you Nazis!!!

covers of the week

Fantastic Four #563 by Bryan Hitch
Captain America #46 by Steve Epting

cover of the week

coversss!!!



New Exiles #14 by Alex Garner
Captain Britain and MI-13 #7 by Bryan Hitch and Morry Hollowell

screen capture, part 4

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies!

i want the movie industry to make films for us geeks. there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. some of them may need an origin movie first, but either way, this is a fantasy casting call for my favorite TPBs.

check out the previous posts:
10. Invincible
9. Empire
8. Ultron Unlimited
7. The Authority: Circle
6. Superman: Red Son


5. JLA: THE MARTIAN TRILOGY

This one needs to be done Lord of the Rings style, with all the details and battles rendered faithfully. there's some leeway in which Green Lantern character would be used (Kyle, John or Hal). otherwise, these are some the greatest Justice League adventures ever and translating them to the big screen should be an event. no, three huge events!

NEW WORLD ORDER
Grant Morrison/Howard Porter/John Dell

excuse Superman's long hair. this was written way back in the 90s, when Grant Morrison's excellent reboot made the League relevant again. it actually starts in a world without one - the tricky part now is whether intro movies need to be made for each individual character that still don't have theirs (a-la the much-teased about Avengers), before this impromptu team up bring them all together.

several superpowered beings land on Earth, call themselves the Hyperclan, and they start going out of their way to help the planet - ending wars, starvation, disease - you name it. they probably even offed annoying celebrities (that means you, Oprah, Paris etc.). but oh, they have a hidden agenda. they're White Martians you see, and they're just as powerful as Superman or J'onn J'onnz, their closest relative. Earth needs its heroes. ASAP.

casting call:
Superman - in Red Son, i called Ben Affleck to don the cape. unless anyone has a better idea, he's the one.


Wonder Woman - okay, i had a brain-freeze earlier. don't kill me, Brangelina fans. i am rectifying my error by humbly submitting Saint Angelina to be the Amazon Goddess. hey, i was just waiting for her to give birth!!!


Batman - DUH.


Flash - i always thought of Paul Walker getting the Wally West role. brash, smart with a sense of heroism.

Green Lantern - given the complications of the character, we probably need to introduce the Corps in an individual GL movie before introducing the League. continuity can be a bitch, so who are we picking - Kyle Rayner (Chris Evans)? Hal Jordan (Dominic West)? or John Stewart (Common)? i love Hal and Kyle, but my money's on John.

Aquaman/Arthur Curry/Orin - who else can be regal and an asshole except the Bean ... Sean Bean.


J'onn J'onzz/The Martian Manhunter - hey, Vinnie, you up for this? you'll look so much better in green paint than you did in Juggernaut armor.


Protex/Armek/Primaid/Zenturion/Fluxus/Zum/Tronix/A-Mortal - all CGI!



geek goosebump moment:


but please, not in that low gravelly voice, Mr. Bale!

TERROR INCOGNITA
Mark Waid/Bryan Hitch/Paul Neary/Mike Miller/Dave Meikis

you think you can keep those pesky White Martians in the Negative Zone for so long, didja? well, someone has to think up of something how they escape - being freed by the cosmic force Id as depicted in the running JLA series is continuity-dependent and won't work here.

anyway, Terror Incognita has many memorable battles - never did we love shapeshifting so much (eat that, Skrulls!), and it includes one with Krypto, the Wonder Mutt! the League saves the day again and this involves the second time they blatantly disregard physical science by moving the moon (as for the first time, that's also a great yarn. email me about it if you'd like to know more).

additional casting call:

Plastic Man - there's only one person born to do this. yes, imagine Jenny McCarthy's ecstasy if he really was Plas.

Nightwing - its only a cameo, but it hints at ... the Titans! let's just make him a silhouette for the only scene he's in.


Firestorm - Ronnie Raymond will be played by the everyone's boy next door, Josh Hartnett.



geek goosebump moment:

the League finalize their ambitious plans to defeat the White Martians again, and Superman calls them out, giving them five minutes. the villains only needed five seconds. careful what you wish for.

TRIAL BY FIRE
Joe Kelly/Doug Mahnke/Tom Nguyen

a new JLA team goes up against a very old enemy - even the immortal Vandal Savage ran into this one back when we were still intelligible. the Martian Manhunter conquers his fear of fire, and in doing so, frees his own Id, Fernus, who's destined to burn the world. he totally spanks the Justice League until Batman un-retires Plastic Man and wins the day.

additional casting call:

Fernus/the Burning - can we still grab James Earl Jones to voice him? on second thought, it might not be a good idea ("never underestimate the power of the Flame.").

Atom/Dr. Ray Palmer - who plays a swashbuckling (yet nerdy-looking) adventurer better than Brendan Fraser?

Faith - well, let's have Mandy Moore expand her range, shall we?


Major Disaster, you're looking at The Rock.


Scorch - J'onn's one-time hot lover has Fairuza Balk written all over her.


Manitou Raven - i've been tossing the usual suspects - Lou Diamond Phillips, Jimmy Smits, Kevin Costner, Wes Studi, but i ended up with Benjamin Bratt.


Dawn - Q'Orianka Kilcher - sorry for typecasting, but who did you think i'd cast - Katherine Heigl? Meryl Streep?


Luke, son of Plastic Man - to be played by Two and a Half Men's (free plug!) Angus T. Jones.


Ganthet, should be a CGI Yoda minus the Yoda voice. is Mark Hamill available?


Vandal Savage should played by no other than the actor's actor, Kenneth Branagh. he's so worldly.



geek goosebump moment:

and i hope Ben Affleck (or whoever's playing Superman) can do this with authority (sorry, Brandon Routh, you just can't cut it).