Spidey and his Fantastic Friends

FF #2 "Doom Nation"
Amazing Spider-Man #659 "Fantastic Voyage, Part 1 of 2"

and here i thought these two were linked story-wise; turns out its not. i totally enjoyed both anyway.

right after the drafting of now-accomplished nerd Spider-Man as Johnny's replacement, Jonathan Hickman surprised me by bringing Doom into the equation. well, not really because this was hinted back in earlier issues. i just thought he was going to join the Future Foundation as a tenuous member, a la Magneto in the current X-Men. maybe he still is, because he's not one to miss an opportunity to tout his intelligence (at least by the end of this issue). however, Reed should be more worried about Valeria (whom Doom named, in her revised origin), who seems to be getting or causing more trouble than Franklin when he was her age. she's probably too smart for her own good.

even as distracted as Reed can be, i don't think he would easily forget that was how Tony Stark came back to his proper senses in the recent Siege. oh well.

so, dumb-as-a-rock Doom ostensibly made a deal with Valeria to help him recover from his brain damage and be back to being the scumbag genius that he is, and they manage to do so, by copying some files from Doom ward Kristoff's own noggin. interestingly, Reed makes the moral if difficult decision to go along with it, even when given the chance to get rid of his longtime arch-enemy permanently. and what's the price Valeria demands? for Doom to defeat her dad. uhhh, what?

super-nerd Parker, also not a fan of Doom, at least is honest about cracking jokes regardless.

there's more to this than meets the eye, though. the next issue's preview show the return of the well-meaning yet blinded Reeds, and maybe that's what Doom needs (or Valeria wants Doom) to beat.

over in Spidey's own book, the foursome take a journey to an island they had visited early in their original incarnation, where Ben played Blackbeard the Pirate and get some gems back to a tiger-stroking Doom (heh) who had Sue as a hostage. anyway, some radioactive anomaly is emanating from this island and geeks just need to investigate radioactive anomalies.

funnily, with the attack-happy locals exercising their fear of strangers, its the FF's reputation that saves them (or is it the other way around). Dan Slott and Fred Van Lente continue their knack for snappy hilarious patter, which makes me wonder why they didn't get them to write Spider-Man a loooong time ago.

ending up fighting zombie pirates (eh?), the fun gets doubled as Benjie reprises his award-winning role, courtesy of Mr. Parker's quick thinking.

just like over in Avengers, we see that our heroes end up cleaning after old foes (think Spidey's rogues gallery ... his best baddies, minus the Goblin of course). with the promise of more ass-kicking, errr ... booty-kicking next issue, i can't wait!

FF story: A-  art: A-
ASM story: A+ art: A

snaps: Mighty Avengers #36

... where we stands as witness to awesomeness of Henry Pym, progenitor of mass-murdering robot Ultron (hey, we all thought his shining moment was beating the tin can to a pulp in Ultron Unlimited, but apparently that wasn't a permanent fix. booooooo.). now that he's been dubbed Scientist Supreme, how unhinged would he get if they prick his ego again? my bet is he'll interface with his evil "son" and really become "Ultron Pym" (that's the kind of name that begets playground beatings and wedgies).



"noooo .... i don't wanna be an Ant!!!"



that's a gay ass thing to say, especially being slapped by a girl. granted, the girl is a robot, but still ...


hey, Steve Jobs, lookit!! his Gameboy can make INTERNATIONAL calls!


oh shut it. Ultron Pym, pffshhh. we liked you better when you were mowing down some obscure fictitious Europeans (which I am surprised, there wasn't like a bunch of Slorenian survivors dedicating themselves to assassinating your dad, for birthing you, dipshit.)


hey, hey, hey!!! that's not allowed under US law!! oh, what - you're in Underspace? screw that, the whole thing was invented by an American citizen!

snaps: Mighty Avengers #35

... where we find another chapter in the most famous father/son feud since Oedipus and King Laius. or whoever you think that is. anyway, i thought we saw the end of this back in the Busiek Avengers run, but Ultron came back right in the very first issue of this series, went to outer space to cause trouble, and bookends the whole thing with one more jam. and for once, i kinda agree with the robot, because Hank Pym is getting creepier by the minute. by 2020, he's going to be arrested for consensual sex with a minor cyborg.

shocking the uptight Brits, you draw your own conclusions about those "upgrades".


and i cannot wait to reformat you in person!


HAH! Jocasta beat y'all to that!!! (at least in Pym's dreams)


oh, i forgot - there are two sickos on this team!


and that is why you always lose, you bag of circuits.


ok, symbolism alert! either they'll end up married or Jocasta goes evil with jealousy and uses this 'dimensional wave device' against the Avengers in next summer's crossover.

snaps: Amazing Spider-Man #618

... where the Maggia (snort, chuckles, puts on The Godfather) is resurrected courtesy of one Quentin Beck, who as far as i am concerned, died in that Kevin Smith/Joe Quesada Daredevil run. well, he did say he's "Beck from the dead". guy's as funny as i am. also, Aunt May goes negative.

yeah, just a handful of you - Spidey has eight legs ... no contest.


and there was that time when Darth Maul worked for Mr. Li.


Martin Li is a member of the New York Jedi. yes, that's it!!


"Metlift"? what the hell? were they charging astronomical fees?


oh, look at you, Silvio - all Punisher-ish, Deathlok-y you.


and just in case you feel Spider-Man is riding an all-time high:

snaps: Mighty Avengers #33

... where Loki's puppet show is not only a Broadway hit, but the puppetmaster is himself revealed! through Hank Goddammit-He's-Not-The-Wasp Pym's trendy goggles, natch! one thing i don't get, is why they're still playing by Norman Osborn's rules, when they know the score. sure they're not the "New Avengers" but they also 'unsanctioned' and skulk around in Pym pockets.

"well, if you weren't busy banging Titania, we would've ..."


no, my esteemed US Agent, you, sir, are a Sheboygan sausage.


oh, look, its the gay Iron Lad! Billy Elliott would love to have lunch with you.


reality-punched? apparently, she never heard of Jersey Shore.


oi!! Wolverine and Colossus want their license fees asap.


....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #32

... where the Mighty Avengers embark on just one more adventure before they fall into Siege. and they have to work with the Dark Avengers to defeat one Crusher Creel, manipulated by Loki to mess up the world and push Norman Osborn to the brink. i swear to God, no villain ever gets permanently defeated in the Marvel U.

1) Norman, Norman ... when the man's doing his business in the john, you have no right to make him follow your commands.



2) coming in 2011, the House of M Reloaded!!



3) big deal. if he used that with a first gen/Mac-only iPod, or a Creative Zen circa 2001, i'd be really impressed.


4) someone just attained Plantation Sensation in FarmVille!


5) ok, two things here:
one, the Sentry can also fucking do anything (see Dark Avengers #12, subject of later post) so why is he whining?
two, if the Avengers excel in fighting anyone who can do anything, does that mean they only do great in fighting, but never actually defeating those kinds of opponents?

all in all, the Mighty Avengers under Dan Slott is hitting its stride, if only for the back-and-forth banter between "Pym's rejects" and Earth's Scientist Supreme (chortles) himself.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #31

... where a good ol' time is had by all Avengers, Young and Mighty.

1) yep, its the founding Avenger whose also-founding-Avenger wife you boinked. YOU'RE in trouble now.


2) is that your way of atoning? hitting on the guy? (whoooops, did i say "hit"? sorry, Hank.)


3) how does he know? well, well, well ... let's just say it involves carnal knowledge.


4) Ban Luck is Good Luck for USAgent, Ugly American.


5) i'm a driver, not a fighter. wait, i do both!


6) whoa, whoa ... wasn't that Green Arrow and the Ray Palmer Atom?!?


7) well, next time you can call yourselves the "Masters of the Evil Brotherhood". sounds like a Broadway show.


8) for the fastest guy in the room, he's sure sloooooooow on the uptake. how many times he's pulled this kind of shit already?

drive-by readings: Amazing Spider-Man #600

Amazing Spider-Man #600 (Marvel) "Last Legs" Dan Slott John Romita Jr./Klaus Janson Dean White/Joe Caramagna Stan Lee Marcos Martin/Javier Rodriguez Mark Waid Colleen Doran/Jose Villarubia Bob Gale Mario Alberti/Jared K. Fletcher Marc Guggenheim Mitch Breitweiser/Elizabeth Breitweiser Zeb Wells Derec Donovan/Antonio Fabela

Tom Breevort had a great line about this issue: "in ASM #200, she comes back from the dead. in ASM #400 she dies. in ASM #600 she gets married. by this logic, ASM #800 will feature her prom, ASM #1000 will be her coming out party, and she'll be born in ASM #1200." milk came out of my nose. it is weird because i remember from my childhood that Aunt May was already old and crinkly and she had a heart attack every 9 issues. and she almost married Dr. Octopus. and now Peter walks in on her knocking boots with J. Jonah Jameson's pop, fer Chrissakes. this should be included in the next Spidey movie. it would be priceless to see J.K. Simmons go through the penthouse roof with all the things going on!

the venerable John Romita Jr returns to draw the 600th issue (it is also strange to describe Romita Jr as venerable, and not his dad, considering i do still remember Johnny winning the first Marvel Bullpen Bulletin Hunk of the Month), and it just seems perfect to have Doc Ock make his long-awaited comeback. it kinda puts me off that he seems to have devolved (due to numerous years of superhero-inflicted trauma - more villains should be like this!) into a wired techno baddie like the Calculator. this should be the Fixer (who's over in the Initiative). and those octobots? Minority Report stuff.

the great stuff: there's a lot going on - Peter's lovable loser persona in full bore, teaming up and wisecracking with his fellow heroes (hilarious to have Logan threatening to pop a claw in his ass if he doesn't shut up), and saving the common folk and the day (and the ladies). is Daredevil the only one who doesn't know his secret ID at this point? and if i were Doc Ock, i'd be driven nuts by the nonstop Spidey patter too. since he's about to bite the dust (yeah, sure), expect another major appearance in the next few months.

a couple more things: backup vignettes by Team Spidey (and funny fantasy covers by various superstars), the wedding itself (and the events leading up to it, of course) with JJJ feeling magnanimous for 15 minutes and performs the ceremony. and what else? oh yeah, the return of the one ... the only ... (hint: "face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot!"). no, its not Jackpot.

c'mon guys, admit it: it was a painful shift through One More Day/Brand New Day, but Team Spidey has brought back our beloved character back to where he belongs.

no wonder there's a Dark Reign

Steve Rogers is dead, Tony Stark is AWOL and a wanted criminal, Thor's been kicked out of Asgard, Nick Fury's still underground, Spider-Man's two worst enemies are in positions of power, the Hulk is not even in his own book, the X-Men are in Frisco, there's been a couple of cosmic wars already that nobody on Earth knows about, and the two of the biggest brains around would rather engage in a pre-pubescent pissing contest.

WWJT? (what would Jan think?)

am sure Dan Slott had the same reaction as Johnny Storm on that scene, when he wrote it.

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Mighty Avengers #25

we'd rather have a legally blind governor as Mayor

Mayor JJJ? really?? was this sanctioned by Norman Osborn?

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Amazing Spider-Man #591

who wants to be an Avengenaire?

a whole lot, apparently.

so we got them Assembled, then Disassembled, then we got them New, and we got them Mighty. now we got them reassembled again. sorta.

led by reluctant cross-dressing leader the Wasp (cough, cough! that's frakking Henry Pym, regardless of what side his toast is buttered on!), we have a cornucopia of former and not-yet members: the ill-tempered fake Captain America USAgent, Hercules, Amadeus Cho (who engages Pym in a smarts peeing contest), Jocasta, Cassie Lang, the Jonas Brother (sorry, the Vision currently known as Jonas), and - surprise, surprise - the dumb green Hulk! all gathered (and another mindfuck) by the Scarlet Witch. who may or may not be a Skrull. oh, that storyline's over?

anyway, they've been brought together to fight ... a Chton-possessed Quicksilver, who's bent on ... remaking reality. oh, this storyline's not over??

if that wasn't enough to reduce your brain to jello, let's have the flipside of the bright, cheery colors ... (drumroll, high hat) the DARK Avengers!!!

hey!!! it's like the '90s all over again (was the Mike Deodato art not enough of a hint?). let's see, we have Noh-Varr, enhanced Kree warrior who's probably the second-most powerful of this group; Moonstone masquerading as Ms. Marvel; Daken donning his dad's brown duds; Bullseye as Hawkeye (2nd most dangerous); Venom shrunk to black-costume Spidey-size; and the two turncoats - Ares and the Sentry (the most powerful guy here). i don't believe these two, but it makes for good drama.

and then of course, we have

Norman Effin Osborn

as the fucking

Iron.

Patriot.



Iron Patriot?


pretty soon, the name "Avengers" will be as reputable as someone who calls himself an "X-Man". if it isn't already.

(Iron Patriot?! WTF-!! Obama knows about this???)


btw, the Vision who is a Jonas brother is a fucking copout. trying to impress a guuuuurlllll. did you delete your Milli Vanilli collection? oh, that's right; he isn't that Vision.




(again, Iron Patriot?! WTF!!! just for picking that name alone, Osborn deserves to be put down)

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Dark Avengers #1, Mighty Avengers #21

ms van dyne, if you're nasty.

couple of things i need to comment on before we close out the year:


i didn't know cats liked sloppy seconds!!!



and the gayest reveal of the week, nay the year! (wait, there weren't any other candidates, were there..?)



the Young Avengers would be so laughing in secret in their rooms. yes, even Wiccan and Hulkling.

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Secret Invasion: Requiem

'born on my side

it gives me some relief to have Spidey beat the crap out of Norman Osborn, formerly dead psycho, currently live psycho in charge of the American SS, the Thunderbolts (let's say he's a nasty version of Michael Chertoff, DHS). its been so annoying - his whole resurrection, his rise up to prominence, and even with this Brand New Day storyline where he's a lot more powerful and deadlier to the Marvel U than he ever was.

"hey! hey! easy on the ears! my HMO plan doesn't cover that!"

of course, it doesn't end there. it never does; its always back to square one until they cross paths again. what else do they want? have Osborn mount a coup d'etat and rule the US? hyeaahhhh right.

can he?


oh shit.

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Amazing Spider-Man #573