snaps: Incredible Hulk #606

... where i find myself confused as to what the Fall of the Hulks is all about. well, if it ends up reducing the Hulk population to 1, then that's fine. as much as i liked Planet Hulk and World War Hulk, they begat crazy shit that Peter David would cringe at. we wouldn't get any answers anytime soon anyway (unless you troll the message boards), so let's just make fun of this as we go along. Jeph Loeb contributes to this thing, so draw your own conclusions.

New Yorkers already forgot what the Hulk did a couple of years ago.


how do they get Old Power anyway? Sakaar sends a weekly supply via FedEx?


Dr. Doom is a difficult music teacher to work under.


i guess Skaar doesn't like talking to the hand.


in the last couple of months, Doom has been humiliated by Norman Osborn, the Black Panthers, and now Bruce Banner and the Leader. a dumb ray? even Reed Richards didn't think of that.


"ummmm ... Douchebag!"


we know Jennifer was a snot-nosed kid back then, but this is just ridiculous.

Fury's 11

drive-by readings

Dark Reign - The List: Secret Warriors one shot (Marvel) "Leviathan" Jonathan Hickman Ed McGuinness Chris Sotomayor Dave Lanphear Tom Palmer McGuinness/Dexter Vines/John Rauch (cover)

should we still call them "Secret Warriors"? Nick Fury practically operates in the open these days (to the chagrin of Contessa LaFontaine), and he has two teams already at his disposal - his Warriors, and the reborn/reconstructed Howling Commandos. all he needs is a YouTube channel and a Twitter page.

so breaking in Avengers tower (with some help from Ares - what, is he another Fury plant, that kind of trick that beats us over our head with "hey-am-20-steps-ahead-of-everyone-else"? NO. we have to read Secret Warriors #9 on sale 10/28/2009. whooopeee.) and appearing in your current enemy's bedroom (creepy - why can't he just call? what if Norman had a date?), smacks of not-so-secret for me. and for what? to steal something under H.A.M.M.E.R.'s nose. that really paints that target on you, Nicky Boy.

and that something actually tells us that ... oh hey, is the Zodiac in this gig? and Nick is Gemini? oh yeah, he was, years back. 'cause his dead brother Jake was Scorpio. or is. i smell resurrection!!!!

by the way, Norman, a couple of things:

everyone seems to be penetrating the Tower these days ... change the goddamn locks. or go live on the moon.

let me just present your fandangled "list":
- neutralize Clint Barton
- eliminate Daredevil
- kill Namor
- kill Frank Castle
- kill Nick Fury
- neutralize Bruce Banner
- control the world
- kill Spider-Man

that's just 1 out of 8 so far (Barton, you hotheaded punk, you never change). Frank's probably smug he's on the list. i don't see Tony Stark in there. he's probably dead. or dumb as a rock.

only Santa has a list that works.

capping the week of meltdowns

... and mailing it in with crappy Photochopping. thanks to the Holy Taco and Limewire for the inspiration. and real life for being absurd and funny.









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Thunderbolts #135, Kick-Ass #7, The Marvels Project #2, Dark Reign - The List: Avengers one shot

drive-by readings: Kick-Ass #7

Kick-Ass #7 (Marvel) "Ass Kicked!" Mark Millar John Romita Jr Tom Palmer Dean White Chris Eliopoulos

this gore porn comic is about to end ... and i'm ambivalent about it ending. it did start out really fun, and even critics howled with glee. who doesn't want to see the always-picked-on nerd dish out some fatal punishment? sales skyrocketed via word-of-mouth and press hype, Millar and Romita Jr started rolling in dough, and that was before Hollywood came a-calling.

now we get issue #7, 17 months after the first issue came out. Millar's distracted with other things, and apparently, they're shooting the movie already? whatever. this issue's still $2.99 because we all know Millar's (and Marvel's) gonna make up when he takes our lunch money at the box office. it probably makes sense that they're shutting the series down at 8 issues, but absent the movie angle, am sure they could have squeezed 25 issues out of this one. is this the fastest drawing-board-to-Hollywood comic movie ever? i mean, even Invincible can't be made into a movie that fast, and its a property that's tailor-made for summer blockbusters (trilogy at the least).

as you can see from the title, Dave's getting his ... tushie kicked from here to Timbuktu, as he finally bites off more than he can chew. thank goodness for the metal plates in his head (a nod to "healing factor"), acquired right after his first beating, that he's able to withstand the brutality he readily goads from the goons. Romita Jr. just lets it all hang out, with blood and bits of bone and flesh flying off the page. and if you think this was too much, i think we should brace ourselves for the grand finale. coming out December 2009. at the earliest.

i. am. not. a. bag. of. shit.

... says Michael Moore.

the outspoken liberal filmmaker made this point today, in between gargantuan bites of Domino's triple-cheese-sausage-and-pepperoni-and-everything-else-including-the-staff's-boogers pizza, in reference to the latest right-wing smear campaign masquerading as comics issue of Kick Ass.



"i resent that remark." Moore said, adding "shit only happens after i eat; i certainly do not hold the food in my body for long periods of time after it has gone through my intestines. if that were so, then that description would be apt." Moore then proceeded to call Domino's for another half-dozen boxes of the same pizza.

Moore didn't care that this particular issue of Kick-Ass was our cliffhanger of the week, even if we were curious whether or not he was going to just keel over after eating those pizzas.


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Kick-Ass #6

kick ass

quick, what's the best comic out there right now?

i mean, right now??



that one.

and the title is ... what else: "KICK-ASS".

wrote in the same rebellious and unapologetic spirit of Wanted, Mark Millar drops us an F-bomb and John Romita Jr., dropkicks our asses back to grade school, giving life to our pre/pubescent dreams of becoming a superhero. like this loser here.


Dave Lizewski is your pretty much average teenager - lonely, depressed and testosteron-ized. raised by a single parent, his concerns are the usual - stalking his cute classmate, fantasizing about his MILFy teacher and comic books.


as you know, it takes very little to unhinge little boys from reality.


the moment Dave puts on his costume, he goes down a road he never really prepared for.


taking on three ghetto vandals lands him in traction (pulped, knifed, hit by a car, you name it) and out of commission for a couple of months (hey, i'd like a two month vacation too - minus the peeing of blood)


then he does another thing i won't ever do!


too bad - its just symbolic. Dave gets addicted to the high of "superheroing" (whatever that means). i burned my ex-es' letters and i never went back to them. guess that makes me slightly better than Dave.

putting the costume back on (wait - he doesn't even have a code name yet. wait, it should be "Ass Kicked", as in ... yes, you get it), Dave's first challenge back on the streets is a bunch of cholitas who mistake him for a perv (totally hilarious).


in trying to avoid an embarassing showdown with girls, Dave runs into a real-life, honest-to-goodness gang beating.


i assume this happens around the Spanish Harlem area, or the Bronx, or Sunset Park ... ahh, whatever ... costumed guy vs three menacing gangbangers - awesome!


after all is said and done ... what do you know - Dave holds his ground (broken bones and all)!


and you know what happens next! (yes, instant fame and fortune - Jessica Simpson on Line Two, Mr. Lizewski)



so, okay boys, if you ever get to put on a costume, and you need a war cry of sorts, Dave has a few for you:



here's to the Dave Lizewski in all of us. cheers!!!

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Kick-Ass #1-2
Mark Millar, John Romita Jr., Tom Palmer, Chris Eliopoulos, Dean White

tripping the force magnetic pt. 2

continuing our look back at a '90s classic (if we can call it that).

Fatal Attractions
Uncanny X-Men #304 "For What I Have Done"
Scott Lobdell/John Romita Jr/Jae Lee/Chris Sprouse/Brandon Peterson/Paul Smith
and another 198 inkers including the great Dan Green

it must be a big boost to Magneto's ego, that all through the years fighting the X-Men, they always draw him alone against everyone. despite having a bunch of lackeys at some point or another, the most powerful images are the ones that depict Magneto standing tall and firm against Xavier's children. if you root for the underdog without having any background information, you'd side with the Magster. how many X-Men does it take to defeat Magneto? all of them, apparently. and they still never conclusively do so.

the Fatal Attractions crossover began with X-Factor and X-Force, where those teams ran afoul of the reborn Mags and his Acolytes led by his new lapdog, Exodus. the Acolytes, under lameduck leader Fabian Cortez, were unsuccessful in recruiting Quicksilver to the cause, and Cable got dismantled but not discombobulated in rescuing his charges from the influence of the magnetic field. Magneto now turns his attention to the real X-Men.

but before that, we have to check how Magneto's return from the dead affects said lameduck.

facing a mutiny, Cortez is helpless as his former charges almost beat him up and as they leave. he tries to take out his anger at the newcomer Exodus but he is hopelessly outclassed. i never really understood Cortez' mutant power (extending another's?). so he's a booster. that's really lame. and only Jean Grey gets the honor of not needing a code name, Fabian. you suck.

Wikipedia reports that Cortez has , after years of painful repetitive resurrections and betrayals (his modus operanda), finally bitten the dust. but i guess they took that from the official Marvel site. though i won't be surprised he's just really laying low and assumed this identity.

Magneto, meanwhile, does another one of his patented long-winded monologues. it doesn't matter what size the audience, be it hundreds or just himself. the audience believes him.

god, he must work out a lot. yeah, that's what supervillains do when they're sidelined as the world thinks they're "dead".

speaking of dead, something is dying inside Colossus as he mourns his sister Illyana (a.k.a. Magik) who recently died of the Legacy Virus (the Marvel equivalent of AIDS, cured a decade later through the efforts of Hank McCoy, the late Moira McTaggert, and ironically - pun intended - Colossus himself). he pushes away everything that matters to him, including his then ex- Kitty Pryde.

Illyana's funeral was a big thing to me then, but actually the real tear-jerker was Uncanny #303. yes, i am in touch with my feminine side. now get off my case before i slice and dice you.

speaking also of slicing and dicing, Warren Worthington III - a.k.a Angel - was still blue and metal-winged back then, capable of slicing and dicing just like Wolverine. here even his looks could cut someone to pieces.

the way he sounded, its as if the X-teams usually coordinated with each other. hyeahright. and he seems shocked and indignant that X-Force didn't call for help. hello, we can barely make sense of the rigmarole of who's on which team (did they put him on the Blue Team just because its easier that way?).

so be careful of what you wish for, Wings ...

over at the other end, Xavier's attempt to console Peter backfires badly.

i half-expected Peter to push Xavier out of his wheelchair. now that would've been a scene! Colossus has always been the good sheep of the X-Men; imagine him now as angry loose cannon.

which is just about the exact time Magneto drops by for an appearance. two things to note here:

1. the jerk doesn't even pay his respects to Illyana, once upon a time a favorite student
2. in the 5 minutes he was delivering this speech, the gathered X-teams could have kicked his ass back to outer space

first order of business: show 'em who's Boss. even if it means pulping one of your own soldiers (R.I.P. Senyaka. not.). Boss!!

Magneto drops the Big Reveal - he has a badass space station. Xavier counters: "I have a 1 TB Sh'iar iPod!". Magneto cries and stomps his feet.

anyway, the Acolytes now ascend to their new home (this religious theme is going too far). Magneto asks Xavier to join him. but really - cupping his chin? that's so ... Zac Efron.

'make love, not war', they said. so Rogue tries that tack, but kisses mean nothing to the Boss! he's the BOSS!!!

Magneto holds down everyone by sheer force of magnetic will (Fe in blood, so goes the popular explanation then) and preventing everyone from accessing his or her mutant power. but Bishop's power is a reactive one - he absorbs that same energy and uses it to free his pals, then everyone piles on Magneto. like we said earlier, it always takes everyone ...

then Scott Lobdell springs the not-so Big Reveal ... Colossus turns traitor. Bishop would go into traction for a month at least. this would all have been avoided had they taken down Magneto during his speech (that could be a YouTube parody).

Colossus gets beamed up to HMM Avalon, and Xavier is forced to remote control Magneto, and fling himself out into spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. i'm not sure how the Bald One managed to be in one piece without burning up on re-entry into our atmosphere before being rescued by Warren. that being said, the events here already hint as to what's coming.

next: bring on more X-Men!

Philippines Invaded! Film at 11!

the following takes place before any of this Civil War nonsense happens in the Marvel Universe.
way, way before.

you'd best believe it when Nick Fury, the famed director of S.H.I.E.L.D., says that A.I.M. has set up a secret base in an island in the Philippines, and its in the best interests of the freedom-loving nations that the Avengers go in and beat them up.


these events happen during the early days of the Avengers, just when the Vision joined the team (after Captain America and his 'Kooky Quartet' era - Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, and the Black Panther). the Vision is under clouds of public suspicion, especially the powers-that-be, whose paranoia mirrors the McCarthyism of the times. Fury plays the obedient soldier, putting the Avengers thru protocol but giving them enough leeway because he knows its a team to be reckoned with - loony members aside.

note: for a man who currently has gone underground, Nick Fury pops up in a lot of books these days.

of course, he also needs their help because the Super Adaptoid - a robot who can mimic any superpower it comes into contact with (including the power to fart uncontrollably) - has been hijacked from S.H.I.E.L.D. custody by A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics, those science geeks dressed as beekeepers whose goal is MMORPG domination - cough, cough - i mean, world domination). they intend to clone the Adaptoid and use them as extras for Pierce Brosnan in that museum scene in The Thomas Crown Affair. ok, seriously, they want an army who can be a match for any bunch of superheroes. i mean, just imagine if it ran into the Hulk! (well it probably did, though i have to look up what the hell happened).

so, of all places to hide, A.I.M. decides to set up base in the Philippines! wow, that never happens! wooohooooo! do they pay competitive rates? i want to know.

with the temporary vacation leaves filed by the Big 3 (Cap, Iron Man, and Thor), this Avengers team is led by soon-to-be-loony Hank Pym (a.k.a. the original Ant-Man, a.k.a. Goliath, a.k.a. Yellowjacket, a.k.a. Wifebeater, a.k.a. Who Am I) and the upcoming battle sows the seeds of his getting unhinged. here, he ponders his qualifications and worth as team leader, as they take a Quinjet to kick some beekeeper ass.



first of all, Fury says the bad guys are hiding in a tiny island north of the Philippines. okay, that would be the Batanes islands. i could buy that. then here they say its the Bataan islands. there's no such thing. the Batanes' biggest island is called Batan. ok, let's just give Mr. Casey a pass and say he made a typo.

despite their mandate to kick ass, Avengers know their priorities. they have to protect the Ivatan. i wonder if their notion of 'native' is the same as they see their fellow Americans. i mean i could call the locals in my Brooklyn neighborhood 'natives', no? or 'native' means 'uncultured people as compared to the White Man' so that word would only apply to the American Indian tribes.



and whoah! Hank Pym knows Ilocano! holy shit - stop Page 1!!!




although i'd be more impressed with Mr. Casey if he wrote it like:

ukininayo! kugtarac ti bukel yu sica!

okay, not that. let's try it again:

naimbag nga malem, gagayem ken kakabsat. siyac ni Goliath! pummanaw kayu apo! agtaray kayu idyay aplaya sica! ay-ayaten kayu amin!


well, not bad. there was some effort there *lol*. the brilliant Kingdom Come had a Tagalog snippet but Mark Waid mangled that one.


after scaring the 'natives' (none of whom wore leaves) into uh, leaving the area, Hank confronts the Adaptoid clone army, rushing on to engage him from amidst the rice terraces. i never heard of rice terraces in Batanes. its hilly, even mountainous to be sure, but the distinction belongs to Banaue. Mr. Casey and Mr. Rosado seems to have skimped on research. but if anyone can provide photographic (not photoshop-ic) proof of such in Batanes, please do.



wait, that could be Bohol! minus the cultivated layers, it could pass for the Chocolate Hills!

long story short, the Avengers stop the Adaptoid clones and destroy the A.I.M. base, although the real Adaptoid escapes. their government handler still considers the mission a failure (as only they could; think of the Ivatans saved by Hank, you jerks!!!).

back in New York, Hawkeye kvetches about the continuing suspicion of the Vision, and the lack of respect the Avengers get from law enforcement.


the Philippines gets largely forgotten in the rest of the series, but Earth's Mightiest Heroes is a nostalgic read with new angles (kind of what Kurt Busiek used to do - finding new ways to tell old stories).
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Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes #2-4
Joe Casey, Will Rosado, Tom Palmer

whatchu gonna do ...

... when HULKAMANIA runs wild over you???

yep, i never got to put a post on Planet Hulk, and here we are, post-NYComic Con (never got to post that either, but maybe later), Planet Hulk is done, and Holku is on the horizon, coming back to put the hurt on his so-called friends.

To recap for the uninitiated, the Marvel Illuminati - Iron Man, Reed Richards (Mr. Fan-taaaas-tic!), Dr. Stephen Strange, Prof. Charles Xavier, Prince Namor, and Black Bolt, leader of the Inhumans - banded together to regulate the superheroes. that seemed a good idea at that time - until the Superhero Registration Act and Civil War blew everything apart. Black Panther (King T'Challa) would have been the seventh member of the Illuminati, but he had a more practical and pragmatic worldview. this eventually put him at odds with the Pro-Registration forces headed by Stark and Richards.

which brings us to the Hulk. after another rampage in Las Vegas, the Illuminati decided to end the threat of the Hulk once and for all. lured into a spacecraft, he was launched to outerspace in the hope that he never comes back (well, they tried to cover all bases for that possibility). with friends like that, who needs the Abomination, the Leader or General Thunderbolt Ross?

well, as they say, the best laid plans ... always go to the shitter. here's the Hulk dishing out payback to Stretcho and the Doc.

ok, that was just a figment of his imagination. Hulk's spaceship crashlands in a planet other than the Illuminati intended for it to. in a yearlong epic storyline (thus called Planet Hulk), while the superheroes were at each other's throats back on Earth, the Hulk - intelligent, Bruce Banner-less, and growing stronger every second - eventually rises from a lowly gladiator to ruler of Sakaar (not to mention banging a warrior babe and getting her preggers). just when he thought he got his Christmas wish (love, peace, happiness, the whole 9), the spaceship that brought him to Sakaar explodes (wow, shades of Stamford) and the Hulk is left with nothing except his anger. and his alien comrades in the Warbound.

so what to do ... what to do ... ?

"screw it! Hulk will smash those puny humans! and Hulk has no intention of losing!"

back on Earth, Hulk's cuz Jen Walters (a.k.a. She Hulk) learns of the deception (so all this time she never bothered to look for Bruce) and it righteously pisses her off.

question: if Tony Stark didn't use protection when he shagged Jen, would she get some Extremis in her bloodstream and cellular structure? if so, what would the effects be?


and so Earth-bound goes the Hulk and his (amazing) friends. at least we could consider them his friends, because they even try to put him through anger management classes and plot strategy with him. below is a brainstorming session on how to deal with "blagbult":

does this mean blagbult, er ... Black Bolt will be the first casualty of Big Green Revenge Machine? well, he should end up with a torn larynx at the least.

well, it should be quite an interesting summer - good luck if Marvel lets us off easy. i can hear the cash registers ringing and Joe Quesada prancing at the Park Avenue offices.

with that, all i can say is:

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World War Hulk Preview
World War Hulk Prologue: World Breaker