end task

drive-by readings

Taskmaster #1 (Marvel) "The Exquisite Palace" Fred Van Lente Jefte Palo Jean Francois Beaulieu Dave Lanphear

what we learned: on the premise that Taskmaster, that unparalleled trainer of every asskicking wannabe in the Marvel U, has gone over to the light side, every single group of bad guys (with matching branded gym bags and watches, natch!), including the ridiculous ones (the Inquisition. really.) are gunning for him, on orders of The Org (ooooh, scary!). of course, he wants to know why he's being set up. what do you really know about Taskmaster, except that he's a Crossbones-faced human version of the Super Adaptoid?
oh shit moment: who are these losers? (all those who make their first appearance this issue) ok, seriously, who does have some longevity? i'll pick ... the Trenchcoat Mafia ('cause there will always be FPS games, bitches!).
what's next: anti-hero takes waitress on the run from evil forces. sounds like a B-movie.


Militiamen? really? what's next? Tea Party Patriots? oh, wait ...

nova forced

drive-by readings

Secret Avengers #4 (Marvel) "Secret Histories, Part 4 of 4" Ed Brubaker Mike Deodato Jr. Rain Beredo Dave Lanphear Marko Djurdjevic (cover)

what we learned: Ant-Man saves the day and a Nova-ed Steve Rogers does the rest, breaking the Serpent's Crown hold on Richard Rider, who basically didn't do anything of note except get taken over (dumbass). ditto Natasha and Moon Knight (cosmic adventures are not his speed).
oh shit moment: is there anything Rogers can't do? ah, i know. next time he meets Thanos, he should punch him out cold, not die like he did before.
what's next: we learn more things about Li'l Nicky.


yep, Sharon also has evidence that you did all this shit too.

the real illuminati

drive-by readings

Secret Avengers #3 (Marvel) "Secret Histories, Part 3 of 4" Ed Brubaker Mike Deodato Jr. Rain Beredo Dave Lanphear Marko Djurdjevic (cover)

what we learned: you know that Shadow Council that has "a" badass(er) Nick Fury? well, it just might be that this thing stretches back to the wild West days of frontier America. and you know that Texans always like 'em big. not to mention something called "The Abyss" that the wearers of the Serpent Crown are influenced by. apparently, the Watchers (who never just watch) created a bunch of robots called the Archons to guard against the resurrection of The Abyss by his "dark children". Steve Rogers (kinda weird calling him that) and his black ops Avengers are in a bigger pile of doodoo than he thought.
oh shit moment: the Serpent Crown-ed Nova, taking out everyone pretty easily. hmmmm, he never went up against Rogers yet. or Ant-Man!
what's next: this should be the oh-shit moment: the cover to next issue has Steve wearing the crown ... i mean, the Helmet Known as Worldmind!


seems like Nova is pro-equal rights for women - if superhero males can be pummeled, so can the ladies.

house of secrets

drive-by readings

Secret Avengers #1 (Marvel) "Secret Histories, Part One" Ed Brubaker Mike Deodato Rain Beredo Dave Lanphear Marko Djurdjevic (cover)

for a title or a team with the word 'Secret' attached to it, i don't see them being a secret for far too long. i know its Steve Rogers' version of a black ops team (and NOT having Wolverine in it, because, well, he's already part of one, and he's out in the open in the main Avengers team as their designated dirty-works guy), and the characters more or less operate in the fringes of the Marvel U as its their natural habitat, but i wager their missions would eventually come out in the open with explosive consequences. i mean, what if they found out things that puts them in conflict with other hero teams in the 616? will Steve go against Luke? against Thor? against Reed? he's walking a thin line here, top cop and all that.

but that's for the future. for now, let's enjoy what the fine gentlemen storytellers Brubaker and Deodato give us, and for sure the ride's gonna be a thrilling one. first off, who's on the team? i'm not surprised by the additions of Moon Knight ("Crescent Wrench" - hah!) or Nova (you need a space cadet - and i also want to see if Steve's comment - "what kind of operation do you think am running here?" in reference to covering for every scenario - blows up in his face eventually). i'm not put off by having Valkyrie in - if anything, it gives them some demi-god power sets (remember who took Ares down in that X-Men/Dark Avengers scrap?) and of course, eye candy. no, i'm surprised at the addition of Eric O'Grady - apparently no one bothered to take away the Ant-Man costume from him, not even Hank "I'm Scientist Supreme And You're Not" Pym - who's not been made to answer for his crimes. all you need to be absolved is join the T-Bolts, and accept any offer of Avengership from the first Captain America. so we can say he's no longer irredeemable. does Cassie know about this? oh, wait, it's a ... secret.


Black Widow? Valkyrie? sold!!!

so where does the team's first mission take them? i'm pumped because it involves ... the Serpent Crown! old-schoolers like me remember this piece in Avengers lore as the cause of that whole mind-control-Squadron-Supreme punchup back in Avengers vol. 1 #141-148. now it may not be exactly the Serpent Crown, or rather it may be another version of the Serpent Crown. and it also involves Mars (why else is Nova in this book?), and it also involves this guy:



HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

ok, we know Nick Fury's been having Hydra trouble, and he claims S.H.I.E.L.D. was being subverted by Hydra all along. also, he's been revealed to be a critical piece of Hydra or Zodiac as well. this probably confirms it, but it causes much more confusion. its all in Bendis' and Hickman's heads, i guess. wait, can we assume that's Jake Fury/Scorpio?

we have another stellar issue from Mike Deodato, and really, the only thing that annoys me is his love for behind-the-back-downward-angle camera POVs with the characters all posing as action figures (puffed chest, wide stance, arms tense). i mean, come on!


having an idea of what Ed Brubaker is capable of (what? there really is a third Summers brother??), i won't be surprised if he shakes Avengers history to the core by the end of his run.

snaps: The Sentry - Fallen Sun

... where we find our heroes visiting the grave of the Sentry (hey, he died just a few hours ago!), and reminiscing about the old days, adventures that make us go "huh, when did that happen?" then it dawned on us: the Sentry made us all forget about those times!! just like they do in Men in Black!! because, uh, he's such a heroic figure and all! cool!! uh, where am i again?

Robert's hair is so nice and soft, everyone wants to touch it.



that's dog-speak for "hey, did i bite off your arm?"



ok, what the hell is Daredevil doing here? and does Emma Frost need to attend in her elegant ho costume?



even in fictional character deaths, we get rick-rolled.



huh? how did Rogue become a bearded man? oh, that's Dr. Strange!?! geez, Tom Raney!



the portrait of an artist taking a dump



no. way. was this before or after Remy? so could there be a little Void-ish Marie Reynolds running around somewhere?

snaps: Mighty Avengers #36

... where we stands as witness to awesomeness of Henry Pym, progenitor of mass-murdering robot Ultron (hey, we all thought his shining moment was beating the tin can to a pulp in Ultron Unlimited, but apparently that wasn't a permanent fix. booooooo.). now that he's been dubbed Scientist Supreme, how unhinged would he get if they prick his ego again? my bet is he'll interface with his evil "son" and really become "Ultron Pym" (that's the kind of name that begets playground beatings and wedgies).



"noooo .... i don't wanna be an Ant!!!"



that's a gay ass thing to say, especially being slapped by a girl. granted, the girl is a robot, but still ...


hey, Steve Jobs, lookit!! his Gameboy can make INTERNATIONAL calls!


oh shut it. Ultron Pym, pffshhh. we liked you better when you were mowing down some obscure fictitious Europeans (which I am surprised, there wasn't like a bunch of Slorenian survivors dedicating themselves to assassinating your dad, for birthing you, dipshit.)


hey, hey, hey!!! that's not allowed under US law!! oh, what - you're in Underspace? screw that, the whole thing was invented by an American citizen!

snaps: Mighty Avengers #35

... where we find another chapter in the most famous father/son feud since Oedipus and King Laius. or whoever you think that is. anyway, i thought we saw the end of this back in the Busiek Avengers run, but Ultron came back right in the very first issue of this series, went to outer space to cause trouble, and bookends the whole thing with one more jam. and for once, i kinda agree with the robot, because Hank Pym is getting creepier by the minute. by 2020, he's going to be arrested for consensual sex with a minor cyborg.

shocking the uptight Brits, you draw your own conclusions about those "upgrades".


and i cannot wait to reformat you in person!


HAH! Jocasta beat y'all to that!!! (at least in Pym's dreams)


oh, i forgot - there are two sickos on this team!


and that is why you always lose, you bag of circuits.


ok, symbolism alert! either they'll end up married or Jocasta goes evil with jealousy and uses this 'dimensional wave device' against the Avengers in next summer's crossover.

war is a many-tentacled thing

drive-by readings

Secret Warriors #12 (Marvel) "Wake The Beast" Jonathan Hickman Stefano Caselli Sunny Gho Dave Lanphear Jimmy Cheung/Mark Morales/Justin Ponsor (cover) i don't know if other readers of this book kind of feels it like it ran out of steam in its last few issues. i like that Nick Fury took it upon himself to try and save the world on his own terms, recruiting his Secret Warriors and reforming the Howling Commandos. but there's too much going on, and this title is no longer "just" the Secret Warriors anymore. it was manageable when it was just Fury and his kids. now they're taking on Hydra, Leviathan and good knows who else, and with it the inevitable bureaucracy that running an organization entails. it doesn't help that Nick Fury sits there, lectures and he has like 46 scenarios running through his brain and you know he'll win eventually. for someone who went underground, his presence is practically everywhere - he recently helped Bucky Barnes get a new hand but hasn't renewed ties with Steve Rogers yet. i await the eventual sitdown between Fury, the resurrected Tony Stark, the two Captain Americas, Thor, and the rest of the Avengers. if this doesn't happen, i will protest in front of the Marvel offices until they do. oh wait, what happens in this issue? Leviathan captures Viper in search of the "Box" (maybe they should go to Utopia and look up Madison Jeffries?), and Hydra thinks there's a traitor in their midst, which would work well for Fury. both also have secret weapons to be unveiled. there's also a sidestory with Stonewall and Yo-Yo visiting Stonewall's Supermax-resident dad - Crusher Creel, presumably which happens after he got his ass kicked in Mighty Avengers #33. but again this thread is overshadowed by everything else that's going on.

cue in Guns N' Roses: "i used to love her ... but i had to kill her ..."


Gorgon wassn't too enthusiastic about this new acupuncture technique.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #33

... where Loki's puppet show is not only a Broadway hit, but the puppetmaster is himself revealed! through Hank Goddammit-He's-Not-The-Wasp Pym's trendy goggles, natch! one thing i don't get, is why they're still playing by Norman Osborn's rules, when they know the score. sure they're not the "New Avengers" but they also 'unsanctioned' and skulk around in Pym pockets.

"well, if you weren't busy banging Titania, we would've ..."


no, my esteemed US Agent, you, sir, are a Sheboygan sausage.


oh, look, its the gay Iron Lad! Billy Elliott would love to have lunch with you.


reality-punched? apparently, she never heard of Jersey Shore.


oi!! Wolverine and Colossus want their license fees asap.


....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again.

snaps: Ares #3

... where we learn choking your son to death is okay if the bastard attempts to have you drawn and quartered. Kieron Gillen's three-issue dissertation on the God of War ends satisfactorily from this point of view.

1) hey lookit, everyone, Ares is now an X-Man!!!


2) what, and get stabbed and decapitated by Deadpool?


3) Ares learns the true meaning of "in your face!"


4) and the room fell silent, awkwardly. the joke fell flatter than Kiera Knightley.



5) i bet you pee on yourself too. in the mirror.


6) okay, so where the hell did Ares get the coins to put on their eyes? he had spare change to take the subway, just in case?

snaps: Mighty Avengers #32

... where the Mighty Avengers embark on just one more adventure before they fall into Siege. and they have to work with the Dark Avengers to defeat one Crusher Creel, manipulated by Loki to mess up the world and push Norman Osborn to the brink. i swear to God, no villain ever gets permanently defeated in the Marvel U.

1) Norman, Norman ... when the man's doing his business in the john, you have no right to make him follow your commands.



2) coming in 2011, the House of M Reloaded!!



3) big deal. if he used that with a first gen/Mac-only iPod, or a Creative Zen circa 2001, i'd be really impressed.


4) someone just attained Plantation Sensation in FarmVille!


5) ok, two things here:
one, the Sentry can also fucking do anything (see Dark Avengers #12, subject of later post) so why is he whining?
two, if the Avengers excel in fighting anyone who can do anything, does that mean they only do great in fighting, but never actually defeating those kinds of opponents?

all in all, the Mighty Avengers under Dan Slott is hitting its stride, if only for the back-and-forth banter between "Pym's rejects" and Earth's Scientist Supreme (chortles) himself.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #31

... where a good ol' time is had by all Avengers, Young and Mighty.

1) yep, its the founding Avenger whose also-founding-Avenger wife you boinked. YOU'RE in trouble now.


2) is that your way of atoning? hitting on the guy? (whoooops, did i say "hit"? sorry, Hank.)


3) how does he know? well, well, well ... let's just say it involves carnal knowledge.


4) Ban Luck is Good Luck for USAgent, Ugly American.


5) i'm a driver, not a fighter. wait, i do both!


6) whoa, whoa ... wasn't that Green Arrow and the Ray Palmer Atom?!?


7) well, next time you can call yourselves the "Masters of the Evil Brotherhood". sounds like a Broadway show.


8) for the fastest guy in the room, he's sure sloooooooow on the uptake. how many times he's pulled this kind of shit already?