screen capture, part 6

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies! (after a brief hiatus - yeah, i know; the election campaign took too much of my time. but otherwise ... victory!!!)

i want the movie industry to make films for us geeks. there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. some of them may need an origin movie first, but either way, this is a fantasy casting call for my favorite TPBs.

check out the previous posts:
10. Invincible
9. Empire
8. Ultron Unlimited
7. The Authority: Circle
6. Superman: Red Son
5. the JLA Martian Trilogy
4. Wolverine: Enemy of the State


3. THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS
Frank Miller/Klaus Janson/Lynn Varley/John Costanza


i won't even try to define what DKR means to the geek world. suffice it to say, if you haven't read it, you don't know Batman. and if this is ever made into a movie, you better make sure they get it right. or the fans will give the producers a whuppin' like the Republicans got this week.

here's one man's take on who might fit the bill for the roles, if they ever get around to it.



casting call:
let's go out on a lark here and ignore the calls for Clint Eastwood. puh-leeze. we love the man and all, that's why we don't need him breaking his bones in his golden years. instead let's go give the role to the white-haired actor who seems to relish roles grounded in his conviction to fight for justice. plus we're curious how ornery Neal McDonough can be.


we heard Anderson Cooper put his name on account of his white hair. yeah, sure.

Alfred Pennyworth - can Michael Caine come back circa Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? why the heck not?


Lt. James Gordon - is still Gary Oldman. Olderman.


The Joker - unless someone wants to really step up and fill the void left by Heath Ledger (yeah look at those lameass Jokers last Halloween)... let's cook up some imaginative CGI! using Heath Ledger!


Superman - the only question is whether Ron Livingston would like to commit career suicide by risking the Superman curse. Brandon Routh is now on course to die on the set of the next Superman movie.


Robin/Carrie Kelly - we're leaning toward the preggy kid from Juno or Shadowcat from X3, or that crazy girl from Hard Candy. what? Miley Cyrus called??


Harvey Dent's brief memorable stint sure has John Malkovich's name on it.


Dr. Bart Wolper - the man responsible for letting the Joker loose and indirectly causing hundreds of casualties should be played by no less than this blathering idiot, who will likely do the same thing.


Commish Ellen Yindel - will be played by hardass lawyer Patty Hewes (Glenn Close)

Oliver Queen/Green Arrow - Kris Kristofferson, sidekick to the stars? Sean Connery declined the invite.


"Milk Baby" the bomb-maker - what? you think Jason Alexander can't do nasty? before he was a pathetic whiny loser on Seinfeld, he was uhh ... a sexual predator misogynistic bully in Pretty Woman. yes, that was a very thin argument.


if he can play a jackass cowardly editor in chief, JK Simmons can sure as hell play a jackass cowardly mayor. who dies. violently.


The Mutant Leader - is Tiny Lister. easy.


presidential media advisor Chuck Brick was first offered to Alec Baldwin but he had 30 Rock commitments, so Patrick Warburton steps in.


President Ronald Reagan - here's the rub: you have to get Nancy's permission to use footage of Prez Ronnie. start by telling her you did not vote for McCain.


geek goosebump moments:
well, i offer five out of dozens. i dare you capture that on celluloid (or digital format).

Batman with a gun!


Batman rules the Jungle!


Batman as the Dark Knight with steed!


Batman does not defeat the Joker!


but he beats up Superman instead!

awwww, man!

All Star Batman & Robin #10 recalled by DC.

all because of Frank Miller's guttermouth.


click here for the uncensored text.

what do you mean, kids? what kids?

hardcore

we all knew the Batman is capable of doing some really hardcore stuff, but pushing a broken kid, whose parents had just been murdered, to make a choice between vengeance and justice at that age? that's cold.

in All Star Batman & Robin #7, Batman finds the thug who killed Dick Grayson's parents and personally hand-delivers him to his adopted (hungry, confused, angry - and axe-wielding) ward.

this is after going through a bunch of goons like a hot chainsaw through a ton of butter, not needing sticks and stones to break any bones - his fists and feet do just fine. this display of raw manly attributes (flying rodent costume notwithstanding) makes a groupie out of Black Canary, a talkative statuesque Irish chick who doesn't get into any action (except that tongue thing with the Bats ... "her tongue's a little bit sandy ... she's a smoker ... i haven't kissed a smoker in weeks ...") despite what the cover might convey.

and despite having such a hottie for a groupie, Bats takes his boorish act to the extreme. having the word "goddamn" in one panel really reminded me that this was a Frank Miller Batman book. his Bat-works is Christian Bale's Bible, and you know that dude is hardcore too, when it comes to his craft. i'm not surprised if this was a cover-up (you know that that technician was dealing drugs ... kidding!).

a car? i thought the "Batmobile" meant his cellphone.

since the next issue of this series will probably come out in 2008, and i'm stuck in a hopeless endeavor related to my day job which will probably result in me panhandling on the streets soon enough, Bats expresses my feelings to a T.

T'

300
Frank Miller/Lynn Varley
Dark Horse

i've been planning this blog for months, and i knew what i wanted as its first official subject: yes, you, Mr. Frank Miller. i'm sorry i haven't purchased Sin City yet (yes, the legit official DVD, no AVI rip for me on that one). but i will. you bet i will. in the meantime, i'd like to feature your one work that i really wanted to read for years (why haven't i before? economics, Mr. Miller). i have The Dark Knight Returns of course, and because of that, i also bought The Dark Knight Strikes Again (not your best work, obviously). and with that, i became really excited when 300 fell into my hands.


for those unfamiliar with the phrase 'Go, Tell the Spartans ...', this book is your front-row seat to the answer (no, not Allen Iverson, idiot). ancient Greece in 480 BC was a cluster of city states then, and were under threat of invasion from the Persians led by the world-beater Xerxes. to repel them, King Leonidas of Sparta leads a contingent of 300 of his finest Spartan soldiers to allow the main Greek force to retreat and regroup. eventually, Xerxes gave up on his plan to conquer Greece, and Thermopylae was the turning point.

Leonidas though, had an extra 700 Thespians to help out ... no, these were not actors from the local drama theatre but soldiers from the city of Thespiae ... oh, just read it yourself. Leonidas and his loyalists died fighting off the Persians in what is now known as the Battle of Thermopylae. in their honor, the poet Simonides wrote the famous epigram, which may have different translations, but forever a fitting epitaph to the courage and bravery of those who died that day.

Ὦ ξεῖν’, ἀγγέλλειν Λακεδαιμονίοις ὅτι τῇδε

κείμεθα, τοῖς κείνων ῥήμασι πειθόμενοι.

Ō xein', angellein Lakedaimoniois hoti tēde

keimetha tois keinōn rhēmasi peithomenoi.

because by Spartan law, there is no retreat, no surrender (damn you, Van Damme!).

the battle will be always be a highlight of military history, and why not? this is where macho words are backed up with deed. consider the threat uttered by one of Xerxes' lieutenants, warning that the Spartans "will not be slaves", because they "will be dead by noon the next day" and their (Persians) "arrows will blot out the sun" - and witness the laconic reply:



this is now one of the enduring mottoes of the Greek/Hellenic Army.

by Frank Miller's account (hehe), Leonidas himself caused this situation by not lying down and getting rolled over by the first Persian emissaries who "requested" them to do just that. to compound that, the (dirty old) priests whom the King had to reluctantly consult for his next move, were in collusion with the Persians, and they had decreed (based on what their oracle said - you'll know why they're old and dirty), either Sparta will lie in ruins, or a King has to sacrifice himself for her. being the honorable macho that Leonidas was, he knew where his destiny lay.

among the interesting points were the fact that there were about 2 million Persians in the invading force. even factoring in the 700 actors, i mean, Thespians, that's still a staggering ratio of 2,000 to 1. who beats odds like that? but the lesson here is, never quote the odds to the Spartans.

this part seems to be a slight change-up to the historical event where Xerxes tells them to surrender their arms, and Leonidas' famous retort to that.

in the battle, Leonidas and his men acquit themselves well, blunting wave after wave of Persians, including Xerxes' elite warriors, the Immortals (aren't you excited yet?). Xerxes, represented here as a bling-blinged cross between Yul Brynner and Grace Jones, actually ponders the idea of losing to this scantily-clad, bare-footed king. during one of the breaks in the fighting, Xerxes opens a dialogue with Leonidas, as tastefully translated by Miller:

Leonidas: "Don't lose sleep over us. We're having the time of our lives."
Xerxes: "Brave words, Spartan. Yours is a fascinating tribe. There is much our cultures could share."
Leonidas: "We've been sharing our culture with you all morning."

actually, Leonidas could have won the day (and return to his smoking hot wife), if not for the actions of a traitor, Ephialtes, a grossly-disfigured Spartan who wanted to join Leonidas' army in hopes of redeeming his father's name.


i don't know if we can blame Leonidas for that, but the man is hardcore. when he says jump, you jump. when he says stop, you should (or else he'll skewer you). if he says he can't find a use for you, just suck it up and go home. but in Ephialtes' case, he even fails in his suicide attempt and joins the other side, and leads the Persians through a little-known path through the mountains to encircle the doomed Spartans.

the last issue, showcasing the defeat of the Spartans, is definitely one for the ages. that i will leave to you to read about. i dare you not be touched. i don't care how macho you are. Miller and Varley weave a tale so poignant and so hardcore.

the whole thing was tailor-made to be a Hollywood movie (Mel Gibson was busy drinking, badmouthing Jews and re-editing Apocalypto when they called) ... and what do you know? they are making one. helmed (currently, and co-written too) by Dawn of the Dead director Zack Snyder, reportedly they will remain true to Miller's adaptation. that's good news. at least Snyder knows how to work with crowds, although this one's a larger scope than marauding zombies. Gerard Butler has played a Germanic warrior of epics, a scarred broken-hearted phantom, a scourge of God, a vampire, and now, dons the helmet of Leonidas. get your $10 ready. don't screw this up, Snyder!

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issues read #1-5