Avengers 12.1 (a quick read)

oy! when did Hawkman join the Avengers???

a bookend to Brian Michael Bendis' relaunched Avengers run (because really, Twittergate notwithstanding, who knows what the man wants to do next? he's becoming a multimedia giant now), the Avengers find themselves cleaning up after old enemies, and running into an even older one that doesn't seem to know when its time is up.

is that War Machine or his cardboard cutout or Iron Man's hologram reflection?

the ballbuster pays a visit to our assembled heroes (i swear to God, this is the one thing they should have done a long time ago before Bendis, but it took them several long years to setup, what with the crossover stories they concocted up along the way - and it was all worth it, seeing everyone under the Avengers banner, even Banner). Jessica Drew, Agent of S.W.O.R.D., disappears during one of her alien-hunting jobs and now Agent Brand has to involve the whole team (just like she did with X-Men with Breakworld - twice). wah-wah-wah. and nobody informed Steve Rogers of her agency?? yeah, they were all busy. i'd be pissed too.

"and i am boinking her. also."

long story short, Jessica runs into an alien armor (it gave me hope that it would be a three-letter word - but it turned out to be six); however, the location is also where the sad-sack bunch of super-nerds, the Intelligencia (last seen being mopped on the floor in the pages of Hulk) are hiding. so what do a bunch of super-nerds do when they see a woman? why, undress her of course!!

i believe she did shave prior to going out on a mission.

Steve sends out selected personnel to find the missing Jessica. Iron Man would be there of course. and Thor. Beast. Wolverine (for tracking). and Space Ghost Penis, the Great Protector. Iron Man, in particular, trying his rein in his smugness after doing the noble thing of "wishing the Infinity Gems out of existence" (hah! tell that to Steve - oh, you did??), still fails miserably.

yes, Tony ... you are.

the Intelligencia tries to get info out of their naked lady prisoner, at the same time trying to figure out what that alien armor is all about. but before they can even reveal their plans to Jessica (yeah, Bendis - that was heeee-la-rious) ...

... our heroes burst in and save the day. Wolverine though, for all his posturing, doesn't even get to lay a claw on anyone. Best There Is, my ass.

can someone tell me where Thor put his cape?

so, all's well that ends well, right? no, not really, because all the poking around by D-list Iron Man villain Red Ghost results in the armor gaining sentience, and revealing itself to be ... Henry Pym's SON! (yeah, again.)

of course, that's a battle for the future. Iron Man himself said so. he knows! he's seen the future! (except Planet Hulk, Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, Siege ...)

what the hell happened to Hank's head? headshrinker!!

the Point One issues were aimed to be a nice jumping point for new readers, and they've succeeded largely to a degree. they even provide entertainment for us older fans, hence blog posts like these. if i have a complaint, its the frightening devolution of Bryan Hitch's art. he's known for ultra-detailed widescreen action splash pages, but in recent years, that's been a painful thing to see. to get his best work, it should not be under a tight deadline. oh dear.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #36

... where we stands as witness to awesomeness of Henry Pym, progenitor of mass-murdering robot Ultron (hey, we all thought his shining moment was beating the tin can to a pulp in Ultron Unlimited, but apparently that wasn't a permanent fix. booooooo.). now that he's been dubbed Scientist Supreme, how unhinged would he get if they prick his ego again? my bet is he'll interface with his evil "son" and really become "Ultron Pym" (that's the kind of name that begets playground beatings and wedgies).



"noooo .... i don't wanna be an Ant!!!"



that's a gay ass thing to say, especially being slapped by a girl. granted, the girl is a robot, but still ...


hey, Steve Jobs, lookit!! his Gameboy can make INTERNATIONAL calls!


oh shut it. Ultron Pym, pffshhh. we liked you better when you were mowing down some obscure fictitious Europeans (which I am surprised, there wasn't like a bunch of Slorenian survivors dedicating themselves to assassinating your dad, for birthing you, dipshit.)


hey, hey, hey!!! that's not allowed under US law!! oh, what - you're in Underspace? screw that, the whole thing was invented by an American citizen!

snaps: Mighty Avengers #35

... where we find another chapter in the most famous father/son feud since Oedipus and King Laius. or whoever you think that is. anyway, i thought we saw the end of this back in the Busiek Avengers run, but Ultron came back right in the very first issue of this series, went to outer space to cause trouble, and bookends the whole thing with one more jam. and for once, i kinda agree with the robot, because Hank Pym is getting creepier by the minute. by 2020, he's going to be arrested for consensual sex with a minor cyborg.

shocking the uptight Brits, you draw your own conclusions about those "upgrades".


and i cannot wait to reformat you in person!


HAH! Jocasta beat y'all to that!!! (at least in Pym's dreams)


oh, i forgot - there are two sickos on this team!


and that is why you always lose, you bag of circuits.


ok, symbolism alert! either they'll end up married or Jocasta goes evil with jealousy and uses this 'dimensional wave device' against the Avengers in next summer's crossover.

screen capture, part 2

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies!

as noted in part 1, there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. theatres worldwide should be flooded at the amount of piss the geeks and nerds would be producing, once they watch these films.


8. ULTRON UNLIMITED
Kurt Busiek/George Perez/Stuart Immonen/Al Vey/Wade Von Grawbadger (Marvel)

before this movie would even be made, the Avengers need to be formed. assuming that's been the case, we can dive right in on the action - Ultron, a sentient robot based on the brain patterns of founding member Hank Pym, decides to replace the human race with the non-human high tech kind. possibly some flashbacks need to be written into the story to explain how Ultron was created and he went nuts. also, the Avengers have beefed up their roster with a few established heroes (the Black Panther, Vision, the Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man) and a couple of rookies in Firestar and Justice.

Ultron invades some Balkan country and completely wipes it off the map. this is Alderaan scale. the Avengers go right in and get their asses handed to them, until an injured Justice provides the key that saves the day. Michael Bay would work wonders with this.

casting call:

Captain America? helloooooooooo ... Brad Pitt?


Iron Man? another big helloooooooooooooooooooo?


Thor? John Cena is a Thunder God!


the fashionista Wasp? let's hear for regular geek Natalie Portman.

conflicted but spineless wife-beating genius Hank Pym? Thomas Haden Church. yeah, i know he's got 20 years on Portman, but they're actors, they can do this.

the synthozoid Vision is mostly CGI. but it will be based on Keanu Reeves, who plays brooding, mysterious, charismatic yet wooden characters. plus, his agent will find yet another way to land him this plum robotic role.

the Scarlet Witch, whom we all know would go crazy at some point, will be played by smoldering queen Lena Headey.

read my lips. the Witch is f****n' Matt Damon, the Wonder Man.


who else would we want as a Firestarter but Bryce Dallas Howard?


young telekinetic mutie Justice? ThunderJake Gyllenhooooooooooo!


the regal Black Panther? why, no less than Chiwetel Ejiofor.


good ol' butler Jarvis? Bob Hoskins


sicko and cowardly Williams brother Grim Reaper? make a toupee for Christopher Meloni!

geek goosebump moment: when the Avengers, battered yet unbowed, burst through a wall, and Thor snarls: "Ultron ... we would have words with thee!" Cena better nail this good.