illuminated

drive-by readings

Siege #4 (Marvel) "The Siege of Asgard - The Fallen" Brian Michael Bendis Olivier Coipel Mark Morales Laura Martin Chris Eliopoulos Gabrielle Dell'Otto/Joe Quesada/Danny Miki/Richard Isanove (variant covers)

as the Staples ad goes ... well, that was easy. three birds, one event. take out Norman Osborn? check. resolve Bob/Sentry/Void thing? check. take out Loki? check.


Bendis brings the payoff in 4 issues, though there may be yet unwritten stories or edited parts that ended up on the cutting room floor. nevertheless, i'm good with the ending, though other fanboys may not be, and will wail and gnash their teeth but grudgingly jostle for the front seat for the Heroic Age. that's what the Interwebz are for.

ah, Norman, Norman. ah, Dark Avengers #1 wasn't so long ago, was it, Iron Patriot? (ugh) how the mighty have fallen. and without your H.A.M.M.E.R. and your fancy armor, you're just another insane loony tune who needs to be locked up.


what's next for Osborn? some or all of this would happen: the public would forget about all of these in two years, he'll escape and make trouble and/or clear his name, and he'll be somewhat powerful again pretty soon. so Marvel writers, if you're serious about "making him pay for his crimes" .... well, you better make sure. its a tired cliche to have them bad guys returning and returning for no good reason (and that goes for the heroes as well). and with the 'Heroic' theme that's coming, it looks like it may go easy on the villains as well (i doubt somebody wants to organize a firing squad, given that these a lot of these bad guys are pretty resilient). Stark already did the Guantanamo thing. do you build a prison to hold these guys (the Raft? puh-leaze.) or do you have a permanent solution? more likely, they'll all still be running around like the rats they are.

now for Bob Reynolds ... ah, the hero who started out as a marketing gimmick, then became the figure we all know who had the power of a thousand or a million (i can never remember which) exploding suns, and who basically was the most powerful superbeing in all creation. and we can't have that, can we? look how they used him to get rid of the Molecule Man (previously, the most powerful being around these parts, except that he didn't want the attention and nobody really cared about a nerd). am not sure if the Sentry went head to head with the Beyonder, but of course, we just exist as a twinkle in the Beyonder's eye. ah well. that was a good ten years, wasn't it?


and we can't talk about the Sentry now without mentioning Ares now, can we? i found him a much more interesting character than Hercules, and he provided a lot of value for the Avengers, be it regular or dark edition. i'm waiting for the salute to him. i wonder what Phobos is thinking right now. there will always be a God of War, right? for these guys, they died here and now. let's not bring them back, ok? it just renders poignant events like these senseless (hello, Steve Rogers).

so, about Loki ...

i'm a little puzzled by his Asgardian loyalties and his sudden desire to help out the heroes, and eventually take one for the team. really? didn't he just sell out the Asgardians to Dr. Doom to cut up? and now he's regretting the whole set up? boo hoo.



oh hey, remember this?


yes, that's Loki's Get Out of Being Dead free card, so you better expect him to show up somewhere down the road, expectedly to Thor's surprise (y'know, you've been with Loki with centuries and y'all still get punk'd by him all the goddamn time its already tiresome. yeah, you too now you can't kill him anymore. geez.).

a few more notes:

- when Iron Man exhorts everyone to hit The Void with everything they got, does Spider-Man shoot webs at it? how about Luke? Cassie?
- even with that restored backup in his head, most of the guys think Tony's still a douchebag, right? basically, that's the only lingering memento of Civil War - the resentment.
- hey, look, Maria Hill's still wearing her S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform! she probably sleeps in that too (except when Tony has to get in her pants - ohhhh! did i type that??)


- like i said ... the Victoria Hand limited series coming soon!


- Nick Fury has like 1,024 secret bases all over the world, and some of them are probably off limits to S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel but built with S.H.I.E.L.D. money and resources. is he going to pass these things on to Steve Rogers? will they be sharing them? ("what are you doing here? it was my turn to use this as a secret hideout! yes, we did agree on it!")

- what did teh Asgardians put on top of Stark Tower? a piece of Asgard like an Alamo sign?
- who made a new cape for Thor after he wrapped Bob in it and sent him to the sun?
- yes, Siege was an Avengers-centric event, but something of this magnitude shouldn't entail the presence of Reed or some X-Men? apparently, Rogue had a thing with Bob (!) (check out The Sentry: Fallen Sun on sale now! - Steve Wacker), and there are saucy details to be dished.
- hey, come to think of it, i never saw Earth's Scientist Supreme in the thick of things in this issue. neither was he in the big shindig at Stark Tower (Iron Fist was there. DD was there too, wouldn't his Hand colleagues frown on that?). is that a dis against Hank Pym? is he going to be the villain in some big event soon?


and so Siege comes to a close. goodbye, Norman, its been fun. hey, wait, didn't you have a baby with Menace?

and what the hell is this about???

and just like when Osborn took down the Skrull queen, denying our heroes the chance to get some payback, it looks like history's repeating itself.

the odds are this is just a reality-bending segment woven by those magical knitting bitches witches who like bringing down Ragnarok on our favorite Asgardians.

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Dark Wolverine #82

snaps: Dark Avengers #13

... where there's somebody more effed in the head than Norman Osborn. yes, its your favorite blonde god with the power of a thousand exploding suns. or a milion. whatever. could we hazard a guess and say he's the last level boss in the next Marvel crossover game?

Mah Pusha. c'mon, that's a face you can trust.


well, don't ever say Robert Reynolds doesn't bring the CRAY-ZAAAYYYY!!


another Sentry power: he turns into the Ghost Rider!!


right after the consummation, i suppose.


oy! that's New York in reverse!!! check out this pic from @jimlee00.


that makes you his bitch, bitch.

snaps: Siege: The Cabal

... where Norman Osborn starts his descent from the mountain of his own making. Brian Michael Bendis writes these tense moments where everyone is just talking, and nowhere is it more palpable than in Dark Avengers, because these are supervillains talking and scheming behind each other's backs, and it fits. and for every bit he reveals, he teases us with more mysteries. admit it, you like the Dark Reign theme much much more than Final Crisis crossover.

1) for Normie, everyday is Halloween.


2) wrong tree. you should be dealing with Michael Holt.


3) call him ummm, the Goblin Lord?


4) surprise!! Bullseye's not a slob, and they actually sleep in different rooms!!!


5) you'd think they saw a survivor of a chimp attack, or Mason Verger in Hannibal.


6) doesn't he read history? Doom always uses DOOMBOTS!!!!


7) look who got transferred from the GCPD to H.A.M.M.E.R.!


8) how long have you been working with these insane people again? yesterday??


9) they got a new President now? what happened to Barack??

and yeah, they're gonna use Volstagg to recreate the Stamford incident. pick on the fat guys, why don't you?

chopped

drive-by readings

Dark Reign - The List: Punisher one shot (Marvel) "A Good Lie" Rick Remender John Romita Jr Klaus Janson Dean White Joe Caramagna

just when we thought Norman Osborn couldn't make good with anything with his list, he comes roaring back with a big win. yes, i know, the Internet is abuzz with this issue, and for good measure.

after failing to get the Punisher (yeah, its the insistent itch in your ass that gets you) via The Hood, Osborn takes command to hunt Frank down with all the might of H.A.M.M.E.R. behind him, and taking along Daken for good measure. we know among all the Marvel heroes, the Punisher was the most vulnerable, as he really doesn't have any powers. he's not Batman-class, but he's been smart enough to survive all these years. he even offed the whole Marvel Universe, if certain tomes are to be believed.

and for all his bravado and smarts, eventually the Reaper comes to collect and Frank has to pay. i guess i wasn't expecting it - or maybe i wasn't just reading the advance buzz. that's ok, i like it that way. surprise me, comics. once in a while.

and though i can find faults in the great JRJr's work, roping him and Janson in for this piece was genius. i thought i was reading a Kick-Ass issue! you know, with all that blood and gore. i've also been slowly taking into Rick Remender's work - not sure if he feels like Howard Chaykin at times but with more immediacy. and no, am not dissing Chaykin.

so where do we go from here? apparently, the next story arc involves something with the words "Franken-Castle". Halloween gimmick or no? by the way, how does the Man Thing (one of Marvel's best horror characters) get involved in this when he was divided in two by Ares recently? in what issue did he "volt back in"?

it's a time-honored tradition to break down heroes before building them up again. over the past few years, we've seen this happen to Captain America, Thor, Hawkeye (though just don't ask me how he got resurrected. just ... don't.), Scarlet Witch (no, don't ask me about her either), Iron Man (ongoing) and now Frank Castle, our beloved ass-kicking street vigilante playing way above his league. i just hope it doesn't turn out like last time, when he got deployed to fight demons. hoooooo boy.

more reasons to hate Norman Osborn

(and why the hell was he resurrected)

for Marvel: K-Ching!
for fans: to annoy them
for writers: to tell new stories

the world according to Bendis

Bullseye says: "what recession?"

if you could do that with your nose bacon, you don't have to file for unemployment.



oh, Spider-Man just infiltrated (pardon the sort of pun) the Dark Avengers (which will more or less end up still status quo).

and oh, did they just slide one right by our noses? naughty, naughty Sue! just because her husband has no girth and length hangups eh?



-----
Spider-Man #596

oh, baby, you're pretty ... ugly.

blame Norman Osborn for your ghastly Valentine!


-----
Amazing Spider-Man #586

but then again where's the fun in that?

if you gave me a comic with the following cover: (hello, Papa John Romita?)


and knowing what we know about Dark Reign, the ascension of Norman Osborn, and the raison d'etre of the Punisher ...

we should expect that, by the end of this book (which they conveniently numbered as a starter issue), Frank Castle should blow this .90 caliber pezzonovante away.

right?

let me quote as you can barely read the text below:
"some enemies you charge head on ... others you shoot through the head with a high powered Skrull sniper rifle from four miles away."


so, at this point, i stopped ... and posted this on the blog.


do we get a payoff?


do we?


update (10PM):
"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"
- Brian Bendis/Joe Quesada/Rick Remender/the rest of the Marvel editorial staff

the pwning of tony stark 2

slapped around by Thor and the Hulk, blamed for the death of his bestest buddy Steve Rogers, disrespected by half his peers, Tony Stark has now been stripped of his S.H.I.E.L.D. directorship and fired from his official job of protecting the good ol' US of A, after the Skrull invasion.

what, having the #2 highest grossing movie of 2008 doesn't count?

well, apparently not.


completing his humiliation is the standard exit interview with his successor, the walking loony bin called Norman Osborn (the Green Goblin to you n00bs).


sorry, "Commander" Osborn.

(commander of crap. so those who raised hell when they resurrected Osborn and retconned it that he apparently had sex with Gwen Stacy ... raise your hands)

but hey, there's some good news, boys and girls. Osborn gleefully tries to put his dirty hands on the crown jewel of Stark's career, the Superhuman Registration Database, which he'll likely cause all sorts of hell with (starting with wiping out whatever's left of Peter Parker's credit rating - currently a measly 450).

what, Osborn has no time for movies?? for all the sneaky things he's done, he didn't see this coming?


so where the hell is the database, Tones?




and now, ladies and gentlemen ... let us have some fun.

goblin king

the thing with coups ... is that its success depends on springing it when no one's looking.

looks like i smelled it, but misjudged the timing.



well played, Norman, well played.

* i can understand the inclusion of Loka (Loki as a woman) as part of the Osborn's secret cabal, as well as Namor and Doom, but Emma Frost?? just when i was warming up to her hotness (hubba hubba), she pulls this? tell me its Cyclops putting her in as a double agent. or she could be a Skrull.

Spidey would be very, very, very pissed.

who said what?

coordination can be a bitch.

just ask Tom Breevort, Bill Rosemann, or Brian Michael Bendis.

so what really happens when ex-S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury (preparing an underground secret strike force against the Skrull invasion for years now) and Thunderbolts head Norman Osborn (otherwise known as the psychotic Green Goblin and chief of America's super secret police) bump into each other during the final battle between Earth's heroes/villains and the Skrulls?

unless they repeated this scene a second time, with Osborn holding a different gun each time. anybody angling for a No-Prize? what, they don't give those out anymore??


yeah, Osborn's going to be the next major crossover villain after next summer's War of Kings.
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Secret Invasion #7, Thunderbolts #125

(os)born in hell

cliffhanger of the week!

never liked Norman Osborn, even back in the day when he first "died", and never will.

New Ways to Die is the best storyline so far in the new life of our friendly neighborhood Spiderman (i've always wondered about that - is he an area code?). hats off to Dan Slott for making me remember how much i hate Osborn.