snaps: Hercules - Twilight of a God #1

... where in the future, Hercules is a drunken buffoon and his family makes fun of him for being so. things don't change much, do they?


in the future ... bluetooth earpieces are still symbols of DOUCHEBAGGERY.



what's a steriod, pray tell?



man, i only hope i die young. this is embarrassing.


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

love, computers, armors and dinosaurs

bouncing from a comment i made on randomhappenstance (the place to be for action figure humor!), i've been encouraged to revisit that milestone event in Tony Stark's life since he slapped that "transistor-powered" armor on to save his life:

- killed his best friend? (which? Happy Hogan? Steve Rogers? Rhodey?)
- became a Stark raving serial-killing teenager?
- became a Stark raving drunk?
- became US Defense Minister? (a lot of good that did)

nyet to all the above. am talking about rewriting his own goddamned DNA and rebooting his own nervous system. long before Extremis and the deux ex machina it became, T-Stark already hacked his own genetics and with some help, raised himself from the dead. it actually makes more sense than just resurrecting a seemingly-dead character because some god or aliens just happens to have the technology to do so (exhibit A: Colossus). i am eagerly awaiting how are they going to explain Steve Rogers, Jean Grey or even Kitty Pryde, when Marvel brings them back.

how the hell did Stark die anyway? well, if you think about it, it can all be traced back to ... love.

an ex-girlfriend, Kathy Dare, watched too much Fatal Attraction reruns and decided she's not gonna take it. anymore. hey, if i looked like this (see below), i'd shoot myself too.

spinal damage left Tones unable to walk, but not unable to don the armor. oh dear god, how he needs the armor even more. six issues after the shooting, a breakthrough has been found - thank the InterWebz! of course, it wasn't called the Internet yet at that time, and I Can Haz Cheezeburger was still not invented. resident brainiac Abe Zimmer ostensibly did the equivalent of a "Google search" and came up with some small company doing research for biochips that could regenerate and heal damaged nerves. huuuuuuzzzahhhhhhh!

in scoops Stark, buying the company, CordCo. however, ethical issues prove a bit of a snag, and no one at CordCo wants to experiment on Stark. enter Dr. Erica Sondheim, who gets Stark to sign waivers and proceeds to operate on the world's most wanted playboy. do we know if Sondheim is married, single hetero and available or a lesbian? juuuuuuuust asking.

why are all the others looking like they're trying to rip one out ... or worse?

operation complete! Tony Stark can walk again! ladies run screaming after him again!! i mean you should see all those self-pity moments prior to this - Stark being turned down by nubile females once they saw him in a wheelchair? you'd be depressed too. then shoot yourself.

of course, there's more to all these than meets the eye, as we learn that Stark keeps getting blackouts - such as mysteriously appearing in some swanky hotel room with a woman - and it keeps getting frequent ...

... and even worse, when he gets remote-controlled in broad daylight by a mysterious entity, and only some encephalo-thingamajig in his armor saves him. as the reader, we've known for awhile that this "mysterious entity" is one Kearson DeWitt, disenfranchised engineer, teaming up with Stark Enterprises competitor Marrs Corp (the inventors of this killer 1987 single) to surreptitiously gain control of Stark using that biochip to fix his spine. so technically, Tony is trapped (again) in his armor.

fast forward to the inevitable showdown: fed up of being Pinocchio to their Geppetto, Tony and Rhodes figure out the Marrs Corp connection after finally reviewing CordCo's paper trail (that's a lesson, kids: always do your due diligence, otherwise known as homework). Tony brings the fight to them, but Rhodes has to don another armor and help Tony take down DeWitt, who's now in his own armor. but his motivations are never really explained to Tony himself. the consequences of the battle are not good, as the spinal nerve damage gets too severe, forcing Tony to use the armor as a crutch much more than he wants to.

but lo! hope shines from the East. the Chinese government wants to recruit the capitalist tool, Iron Man, to help them fight off a reborn Mandarin, who's already practically taken over their country (imagine that). the Mandarin, resurrected by a floating old man (not David Carradine), finally all has his rings again, and they even have Fin Fang Foom as their attack dog, er, dragon, but he doesn't know his benefactor's agenda. since this was published in 1991, John Byrne doesn't shy away from taking a dig at something that would net falsehoods if you Googled it from China.

under the guise of services exchange, they invite Tony, who of course can't say no when the services involves a saucy Eastern delicacy named Su Yin, who's merely the world's foremost expert on neurobiology (and why didn't Tones run to her the very first time, i have no idea). geeks loving geeks. i love it!

again, at the end of that Dragon Seed storyline, Tony had to team up with the Mandarin, who felt betrayed by the little old man, because the latter turned out to be a huge frickin' dragon himself, and all 10 of them (including Fin Fang Foom) were actually aliens who crashlanded on Earth millenia ago and were the real owners of the 10 rings. huge explosions later, the dragons are gone, the Mandarin seems to have disappeared, China snubs global press media (of course). Tony finds out that Su Yin is married to a paralyzed man (awwwww), but she develops a neuromesh for him to wear to extend his life even for just a bit. Tony goes against the grain and leaves Su Yin because he can't bear taking her away from her husband (that's rich).

being the man of action that he is, Stark doesn't sit still for too long, neuro damage or not. he gets involved in a space war (Galactic Storm crossover), a cold war (taking on remnants of the Soviet empire), and a final showdown with longtime nemesis Justin Hammer (where we witnessed the first appearance of the War Machine version of the Iron Man armor). but all things come to an end and Stark dies ...

... but not before putting other things into play, such as arranging for his body to be cryogenically suspended by his science team, doing legal maneuvers for his company in the event of his death, and - get this, this is the most important part - not telling his bestest and loyalest friend, James Rupert Rhodes, of what the hell was he planning.

with the public knowledge of his demise, a recorded Stark hologram bequeaths Stark Enterprises and the Iron Man armor (not yet called "War Machine") to Rhodes. imagine his glee on that part, second only to the news that his best friend is dead.

that position initially involved doing the day to day management of SE, facing the board of directors, and defending the company from the long line of losers who wanted a piece of Stark (or Iron Man). actually, Rhodes liked a little part of it - firing his greedy ex-girlfriend/SE PR Head Marcy Pearson for starters. then hooking up with Tony's gal pal Rae LaCoste. was there a message being sent out here, considering the former was African-American, while the latter was a blonde bombshell? juuuuuuuuuust asking. donning the Iron Armor for the nth time, this iteration was actually a great character building exercise for Rhodes - he has since been written as a human rights activist free from the encumbrances of corporate interests. that's kind of a wild card if you have a multibillion dollar lethal weapon at your disposal. lately though, they're making him into some kind of Autobot/Decepticon hybrid. WTF!?!

finally, the science team completes their Hail Mary play, the frozen Tony Stark goes through his memories for the nth time (there seems to be an editorial edict that every new writing team needs to spend an issue or two dwelling on his origin), and is elated to find machine code pouring into his central nervous system. its like discovering Lego bricks for the first time. the Technic version.

of course, this would all be much more impressive if writer Len Kaminski wasn't trying to pull a fast one over us, courtesy of the late Michael Crichton. go ahead, click the photo above, then check the link.


dinosaurs aside, this opens the door for a real true blue resurrection (of course Tony's gonna die a thousand deaths more after this), and also a rehash of Tony vs Rhodes circa 1983-1986. i mean, what else do you expect when Rhodes learns of the scam they pulled on him?

to Rhodes' credit, his loyalty to Stark is quite amazing and knows no bounds, considering the shit Stark always puts him through. even Sam Wilson (The Falcon) wasn't this committed to Steve Rogers.

and it all comes back to love. oh yeah, baby.

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Iron Man vol. 1, 242-289

we'll keep on fighting ... til issue 17

The Champions
Tony Isabella/Bill Mantlo/Don Heck/George Tuska/Bob Hall/John Byrne/Vince Colletta/Mike Esposito/Bob Layton
Marvel

... or cancellation.

what do you get when you combine a debonaire rich kid with wings, a frozen introvert/showoff, a Greek (half)god, a spy and a misunderstood outsider with supernatural powers? why, you get a team for Survivor. or a team for The Apprentice. or a Big Brother episode.

or you get The Champions, a hodge podge of somewhat popular Marvel characters who were just sitting around doing nothing, before writer Tony Isabella had this bright idea and said "why don't we throw them all in together in one supergroup?" (reports have it that it was an editorial decision). i mean, this was probably before the term 'supergroup' was even a word - although Isabella may have been a fan of CSNY, Blind Faith or even the short-lived Dirty Mac.

let's look at the membership. we have two ex-X-Men, the Angel (Warren Worthington III) and Iceman (Bobby Drake), who were pushed aside because Professor Charles Xavier just recruited new members (they had this cutting edge-fella by the name of Wolverine). flying and icemaking just weren't cool powers anymore (Storm could do both). so two confused young men ... okay, let's not go there.

- right now, we gotta punch your face.

we also have Hercules, the son of Zeus himself, an established Marvel character (DC had its own too - so i wonder what happens when they crossover? anybody thought about that, geniuses??), and the Black Widow (Natasha Romanova), a Russian spy (Cold War was still cold, baby). both had been and would still be members of the Avengers. Hercules appears here and there, notably helping out in the Avengers books and getting drunk, while Romanova was reluctantly coming off a particularly heady affair with Daredevil (can't blame her; what girl wouldn't want a man who senses every single emotion she has? nyahahaha!).

even her words sting - yobanaya suka!

and last but not least, we have the Ghost Rider - Johnny Blaze when he still had control over his powers. with Evel Knievel being hot at that time, a biker with a flaming skull seemed cool. in a 70's kind of cool. if they had made a movie out of the character then, they would have Dennis Hopper playing it.

ghost rider hates dogs.

would this goofy team work out? it seemed like a good idea then - the Champions was based out in L.A., which probably was both welcomed and spurned by the locals (New York has the most superheroes per square mile - and they're threatened by all sorts of bad guys all the time). by current continuity, the name Champions have been associated with embarrassment (even the Defenders, a "non-team" of sorts, had a better rep), and referred to in inside jokes (in the New Avengers series, when Captain America states he has a Champions license - meaning the prerogative to form any superhero team he wishes - Spider-Man flatout refuses, thinking the good Captain was reforming the Champions).

what he said.

the team's first adventure, where they all (conveniently) bump into each other at the UCLA campus, includes being attacked by creatures of Greek myth. Bobby and Warren are deciding whether to enroll or not, Natasha debates whether working as a professor for Russian languages is right for her, and Hercules is actually on-campus as a - go ahead, laugh, puny mortal - guest lecturer on mythology. Isabella busts out the usual cannon fodder - the Harpies, Cerberus, a few mutates (i never read that in Greek Myth 101) and a lame-ass joke called the Huntsman, all sent over by Pluto, god of the Underworld (a different one from the one inhabited by Kate Beckinsale), to capture Venus (whom you all know as the Goddess of Luuuuuv). the Ghost Rider then also conveniently drives by and conveniently gets involved.

everyone's gone deaf because of iPods.


"away, o ignominious fleas!"? - who writes this crap?

Venus, for reasons unknown, takes the guise of a professor of humanities (?), intent on meeting Natasha (??), of all people. i would think the Goddess of Beauty and Luuuuuv doesn't have to learn anything more from a wandering spy and adventurer (and tramp and harlot, if i were to believe the tabloids). Pluto reveals himself by the end of issue #1 and explains (if there's anything comic book villains are good at, its explaining themselves and their brilliant master plans) that they want to arrange marriages between Ares and Venus, and Hercules and Hippolyta (Queen of Amazons, mother of Wonder Woman - we smell crossover!!!). Pluto figures that by virtue of marriages between inhabitants of Olympus and Hades, Zeus would be powerless when Pluto begins his hostile takeover of Olympus, because of the divine policy that a spouse may not go against another, effectively taking Hercules and Venus out, because they'd be married to Pluto's allies. only Zeus doesn't see through this ruse, and he is friggin' taken by surprise at the possibility. Hercules learns of the deception and taunts his dad that he's lost his balls. the divine dumbness.

Herakles Moment #1

if anything at least, we get the priceless scene of Herc on a bike

so what do you know, the group invades Olympus and puts an end to the unholy matrimonies, with the usual family fisticuffs. seems like anyone can invade Olympus these days - there's an Amtrak Acela servicing that route, i heard.

Ares would get his revenge years later.

by issue #4, things get too hectic for Isabella that he takes a break - leaving the chore of resolving the issue of finding a direction for the "team" to - drum roll please - Chris Claremont! they stop an insane doctor who creates mindless superdrones from mental hospital patients - and then they find their calling in life? the shit is so bad, even Claremont probably insisted on selective lobotomy for this one.

Hercules: "but ... but .. where's the beer?"

everything falls together for the Champions, as Warren finally sees how much his inheritance is worth, effectively becoming the team's bankroller, and they hire their own manager. even the Black Widow agrees to lead them, despite misgivings by her partner Ivan Petrovich (every other Russian dude is named Ivan). Iceman though, plans to leave as soon as the corporation papers are filed and he gets the chunk of the merchandising rights.

Bobby and Warren checking their Apple stocks.

yes, even more menacing than the black plague, bird flu and AIDS. the team's next challenge comes in the form of a working man, Stuart Clarke, who tries the supervillain business because the regular one is so bad. creating an armored exoskeleton (allegedly Stark International, a.k.a. Iron Man's company, got the fat government contracts), Clarke hopes to get out of debt by ... robbing a bank. having too much pride i think, to open a bagel shop.

Clarke then fails to rob said bank because Iceman was walking by, and his inexperience causes more harm to civilians than necessary, leading to his press-given moniker, Rampage (sounds gay). but to his credit, (a) it takes four of the Champions to bring him down, and (b) he decides to commit suicide rather than hurt any more people (and promptly fails). i don't know which is worse - 4 world-class superhumans (okay, two, because Angel wasn't Archangel yet, and the Black Widow is just human) can't defeat a rank amateur individually, or said rank amateur cops out sobbing, hungry, broke. that bagel shop was a mighty better idea.



Herakles Moment #2

Prince of Power? pfah! more like Prince of Powder.

after Rampage, the team runs afoul of Communists in a complex, convoluted scheme involving Ivan's son (now called the Crimson Dynamo) and his hired hands (Titanium Man, Darkstar and the Griffin) and the Black Widow's former mentor. turns out the commies want Ivan and Natasha back in Moscow.

at last! the link between Natasha and Captain Jack Sparrow!

since we have a lot of silly things to say, let's have this splash page where everyone screams what they think. who needs a spokesman? Angel, in particular, asks the crowd a million dollar question. to which they should've answered, "who cares?"

while we're here, let's have another one:

The Champions find shocking vidcaps of Natasha's alleged sex tape

the Champions are champs again, defeating the Soviets in battle on a submarine, but Ivan and Natasha seem reluctant to tell everyone what the hell was going on. this spy-vs-spy shit wears down on the rest, again putting the status of the team up in the air. Darkstar however, defects to the Yankee side.

Herakles Moment #3

Hercules: "hey - don't - this is not my son! aw c'mon, guys!"


ready for more convoluted plots? the Champions meet up with Hawkeye and the Two-Gun Kid to beat up some space ghost called Kaa ...



somewhere out there, someone's going to sue Hercules soon


the Champions also meet Black Goliath (Bill Foster, now dead), as a sort of in-house tech guy. he loses no time in involving the Champions in his troubles with Stilt-Man (yeah that's direct marketing for you), who's after some sort of box.

just like Rampage, Stilt-Man proves too much for a beefed-up group (with Goliath and Darkstar), fighting them all to a standstill. with his pride hurt, Black Goliath goes after him, while the rest try to find out what's in the box.

am not even going to comment on what Darkstar says in the panel on the left.

if a D-list villain can beat you, you need to be cancelled.

the box contains a spacetime wormhole (call Shaider, quick!), from which the enigmatic being called the Stranger emerges. i say "enigmatic being" because that's what he's usually called by writers. meaning, who the fuck knows.

"five fighters for justice united to battle for the common man ... because the world still needs heroes!"

so what are these Champions doing in outer space, battling a blind petulant sorcerer (Kamo Tharnn), trying to prevent a cosmic bomb from exploding as per instructions from a space-traversing demi-god? shouldn't they be ... uhm, i don't know, keeping their activities local? common man, my ass. at the most they should be kicking out power-mad dictators.

Herakles Moment #4

are you ready for some football???

the next few story arcs still find the Champs being attacked for seemingly no reason, or helping out their other superhero pals with their own problems.

they fight a swarm ... embodying a man ... who just wants to free the queen bee ... say what?

its ... a ... giant ... fart!

then they get involved in a Dr. Doom-Magneto tug of war, resulting in mind-controlled people including the Hulk and the Avengers, and they spend most of the story beating each other up (yeah, we don't get too much superhero fights until Civil War changed that).

when God gave them superpowers, it didn't include better brains

Iron Man also involves them in another mindless slugfest with Modok (whom i'll just let my blog-brother Brian Hughes yap about). the armored Avenger starts out by wrecking stuff, and ends the same way, and in between punches fellow heroes "by instinct." ehh?

when you don't mean something, you punch someone to tell them you didn't mean it

we have other side issues, which would have made for great drama.

can't blame Natasha if she falls for the half-naked godling walking past her everyday. after cleaning the Augean stables, it'd be easy for Hercules to do the dishes. but wait till he wants to go out drinking all night long. they don't call her the Black Widow for nothing.

how come he never accorded the Wasp the same affection?

there's the Ghost Rider's seeming lack of self-esteem, as least when it comes to Darkstar, whom he thinks was accepted too easily by the group, because she doesn't have a flaming skullface. crap! a few issues more and we'd have the Ghost Rider-Iceman mano-a-mano because the latter wants to play kissy-face with the girl.


Herakles Moment #5

who wrote 'Ambosia' on Hercules' script? who??????

and i don't seem to remember reading an explanation why their equipment was malfunctioning in several issues. i guess they got canceled before Isabella was able to follow up on that.

even an overt plea couldn't stop cancellation.

and so at issue #17, just after they stop lame-ass X-Men villain the Sunflower, er Vanisher and his reprogrammed Sentinels (really?? i thought the Vanisher was just sneaky, not smart) from using them as decoys to kill the X-Men themselves (??), we're left hanging as to the future of the team. the remaining 9 fans who faithfully read the Champions committed suicide all within the calendar year 1978, just before the Jonestown incident in Guyana. there is no word if some fans actually traveled there to drink the Kool Aid.

so where are they now? Angel become Archangel and back to Angel, and he and Iceman have rejoined the X-Men and left their goofy days behind. Hercules is still a boozer and still flouts authority. the Black Widow is still out there being a spy. and the Ghost Rider, after several incarnations of his own series, joins the select circle of Marvel superheroes who have their own movie. apparently, somebody remembered them to include them in a team up with X-Force in a 1998 annual (more mutants!) but i have yet to read that.

at least the demise of the Champions also meant the end of "stupid crime-fighting methods". or maybe not (see New Warriors, Civil War).

i guess no one invented CGI yet
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issues read: #1-17, Iron Man Annual #4, Super Villain Team Up #14