can we reboot to 1602?

since you're dialing back time anyway, why not start at the very first time there was a Spider-Man .... courtesy of Marvel 1602, Neil Gaiman's imagining the Age of Marvels dawning during the Elizabethan era. specifically, the part where the young apprentice Peter Parquagh (try shouting that several times every morning) gets to become The Spider.

i mean, it would be fun watching Jonah Jameson doing the same thing for two hours, no?

PAAAARRRRQUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

do ya kennit?

The Dark Tower
Stephen King/Robin Furth/Peter David/Jae Lee/Richard Isanove
Marvel


i never read the Dark Tower series; shame on me, perhaps. but who cares - Marvel has made a PR coup by teaming up with Stephen King himself to give us the Cliff Notes version, and with stunning art to boot!

set in 'a world that has moved on', the legend has it that the Gunslinger, a policeman if you will, is in pursuit of the 'Man in Black' (i'm sure its not Will Smith or Johnny Cash).

the first issue is more of an origin issue where the future Gunslinger, Roland of Gilead, and his friends are shown being tested by their mentor, Cort.


Cort is a vinegary sourpuss of sorts, but one who knows his craft very well, and that is to train Gunslingers-to-be. he demands that they "aim with your eye, shoot with your mind, and kill with your heart."

"sir, yessir! hooah!!"

Roland, the best of the lot, his dad Steven Deschain being a legendary Gunslinger himself, is disappointed to learn that his father's creepy advisor, Marten Broadcloak, is carrying an affair with his mother.


he suspects that Marten doesn't expect him to win the Gunslinger mantle and thus get exiled in shame. Roland then decides to stop dicking around and seize the day (or the title of G) by challenging Cort.

who do you think you are - Alfred Neuman!?

before the fight, there's a long-ass Q&A portion first. you know, like asking what your favorite color is, who was your high school crush, and if you prefer the purple Teletubby over Pikachu.

mine is my ... ability to write corny captions.

needless to say, our protagonist wins his spurs. here we see the mastery of Jae Lee over quiet powerful scenes, aided by color work of Richard Isanove. this already feels like a cross between Origin and The Inhumans.

no gay jokes, please, Mr. Hardaway.

Roland's prize is a gun. with a license of course. even in this 'world that has moved on', its still American!


in any case you were harboring doubts about Roland's manhood, here he is offering a simple explanation of why he didn't turn around and go for Marten.


and if you're still harboring doubts about Roland's manhood, let it be known that he went off to a brothel or two and got jiggy with it (na-na-na-na-na-na-na).

which of course leads him to be caught with his pants down when his dad suddenly makes a surprise appearance.

"my son, my son, didn't i tell you to use a Trojan?"

i think i am liking this Dark Tower for Dummies. hopefully, Lee stays for the whole 7-issue run (Joe Quesada promised!!).
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issue read: #1