the brave and the bald

drive-by readings

Astonishing X-Men #35 (Marvel) Warren Ellis Phil Jimenez Andy Lanning Frank D'Armata Joe Caramagna

what we learned: we finally meet Kaga, who has an axe to grind against beautiful and handsome mutants. i would too, if i weren't handsome.
oh shit moment: Cyclops almost becomes Wolverine but still shows his goody side. Wolverine is still Wolverine, and introduces his left fist to Kaga.
what's next: keep this creative team rolling, Joe Quesada. and keep the delays to a minimum please.


you're complaining?? i can't even get a hundred readers for this blog!

snaps: Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #2

... where our merry band of mutants find familiar enemies in darkest Africa. and no, its not those pesky N'Garai! shame on you word association OCD sufferers! and in this issue, we find more evidence of Messrs. Ellis and Andrews true obsession. to wit ...



let me make a bet that baby vomit is not the usual thing that gets spattered on that spot. right, Emma? (k-ching!)


hey, Nitro! you got a child roaming around here, you deadbeat daddy!!




what is the excuse eh? what is YOUR excuse??



hey, lay off Scott, Ororo! you didn't lose your parents then have to jump off a plane with your little brother at a young age!


if only Jean can see him now (yes, that's next issue's cover ...)

snaps: Ultimate Armor Wars #4

... where Tony discovers what a bitch the crazies in your family can be. and how unlucky he is in relationships. and how effective he is even when fighting in his underwear (just like Moon Knight). great job and twist by Warren Ellis.

then there was time Master Chief saved Tony's keister.


damn, old people just won't die.


hey, Tones ... doesn't she remind you of someone?


what are the odds that this tech-killing machine came from 616? hmmmmm ....


so, how the hell are you gonna get out of that chair now that everyone's dead, smart guy?

snaps: Astonishing X-Men #33

... where the team gets a little bit closer to the dude named Kaga who read a bunch of X-comics and crossovers in the '90s, found that mutants were a bad thing, and proceeded to use genetics and tech-wizardry to kill our heroes. he even uses the head of Paradigm, a poor man's Douglock, to interface with his techno-organic monstrosities, and as a taunting object. too bad, the two characters who can easily fix this shit - Kitty Pryde and Jesse Aaronson - are not in the picture. or are they?

1) and Scott said, 'let there be light' and there was ...


2) with Jubilee's impending return, i sense a catfight soon for the right to be Logan's Spunky, Wisecracking & Cute Asian Sidekick.


3) and morning, noon and night, i'll give ya ... head!


4) ok ... Cat Beast vs Dog Beast ... who ya got????



5) you and me both, Cyke!!!

weird science

drive-by readings

Astonishing X-Men #32 (Marvel) "Exogenetic, Part 2" Warren Ellis Phil Jimenez Andy Lanning Frank D'Armata Joe Caramagna

now we're talking. Phil Jimenez knocks this one out of the park, depicting the X-Men saving downtown San Francisco from a bio-engineered Sentinel - and the Brood, of all things. favorite moments: Emma getting thrown thru a cable car, Cyke punching a hole through the Sentinel's hand, Wolverine cutting a sleazoid to ribbons, and oh yeah, Hank referring to Abby as his "little fruitbat". that's a sign they're gonna make it for the long haul. they even have a romp in the backseat. nice moves, McCoy.

Abby reveals to them that X-haters have seemingly found a way to take X-Men research and use it to create stuff to kill them. but what does this have to do with the Brood? also what does it have to do with that chunk of rock in space that she was investigating last issue? Warren Ellis allows the questions to build. at least its something my brain can wrap its feeble matter around.

down to earth

drive-by readings

Astonishing X-Men #31 (Marvel) "Exogenetic, Part 1" Warren Ellis Phil Jimenez Andy Lanning Frank D'Armata Joe Caramagna Travis Charest/Justin Ponsor (variant cover)

Abby Brand, current Hank McCoy flame, leads a S.W.O.R.D. contingent in some kind of black ops mission, then evacuates as the Brood throws their op to shit and she's forced to crash land on Earth. S.W.O.R.D./US Space Command has no way to protect those West Coast bums from a fiery spaceship crash, so who they gonna call? The! X-Men!

apparently, the events here occur before the Osborn/X-Men spat, as they are still in the Marin Headlands. what else do we glean from this sequence of events?

- in such emergencies the US Space Command does not call the Avengers or Norman Osborn himself, they call the X-Men.
- apparently, Abby also managed to nudge her spacecraft enough to crash where friends are so they can rescue her (brilliant!!)
- despite the loss of Prof. X's money and Sh'iar tech, the X-Men still get neat toys (the X2, a Blackbird for a new generation, straight from "the most brilliant and unhinged scientific minds in Japan" - oh you mean those who cook up those hentai shit?)
- Cyclops stages the rescue operation because "no one else has a prayer". uh, doesn't S.W.O.R.D. work with H.A.M.M.E.R.? did they forget they have the Sentry? (apparently, he's off spacing out again and dreaming about a thousand exploding suns. or was that a million? oh look, dandelions!)
- Emma smugly teeps (yes, thank you, DnA!) Abby that "a day without doing something stupid isn't worth getting out of bed for." OH!! so that's the motivation of those Jackass dudes!!!
- is Storm divorced from T'Challa? why is she hanging around with her buddies, getting into pissing contests with Emma, whom even Hank wants to piss on? (whooaaa. bestiality. golden showers. slow down, buddy.)

exciting rescue comes to an end at Fisherman's Wharf, where they all have clam chowder thereafter. oh, and a supposed dead student reappears and morphs into some kind of organic zombie sentinel. wait, is this Necrosha yet?

this title has gone weird on me since Joss Whedon left (well, what can I do, its the one and only Warren Ellis!). maybe i just miss the clean art of John Cassaday. Phil Jimenez ain't no slouch, but look who's doing variant covers! its the guy who left me at the altar that was WildC.A.T.S. vol. 2. welcome back, Travis - do you still have it in you??

so i guess his tumor hasn't killed him yet

drive-by readings

Ultimate Armor Wars #1 (Marvel) Warren Ellis Steve Kurth Jeffrey Huet Guru eFX Joe Sabino Brandon Peterson (cover) Kurth/Kai Spannuth (alternate cover)

so, over in the Ultimates - sorry, Ultimate Avengers, we have his older brother Dr. whatsisname Stark making his appearance, and not much Tony. why, because he's here fighting this universe's version of his Armor Wars. Warren Ellis delivers more of a talky first issue, considering Tony is quite interesting when he's chatty, though i kinda miss that gay old Jarvis - their tête-à-tête verbal swordplay was cutting entertainment. i think the appearance of the (Ultimate) Ghost was telegraphed way too early and frequently. the Ghost steals a Stark property called Remnant 242 (like the Front?), and Tony has only Justin Hammer's dying-of-superpowers daughter, Justine (duh), to rely on finding him. looks like someone has been stealing Stark Tech and reverse engineering it for sinister purposes. the 616 people should have told him it was useless against the Skrulls. anyway, penciler Steve Kurth is one to watch - he's trying on Bryan Hitch's shoes.

drive-by readings: Astonishing X-Men #30

Astonishing X-Men #30 (Marvel) Warren Ellis Simone Bianchi Andrea Silvestri Simone Peruzzi Morry Hollowell Chris Eliopoulos

so this is all what it comes down to? a crazy Forge wanting to take a war to aliens in another universe? if you ask me, it was Warren Ellis himself trying to expand on his scientific ideas after spending too many hours in the pub. thank goodness for Twitter and Hank McCoy's badass half-alien girlfriend in space. speaking of "Hank", the characterization of Scott "Don't Call Me Slim" Summers from leader-with-a-crutch to a-real-leader-period is complete, as he makes it quite clear that he doesn't have much use for looking back to the past as much as he has towards the future (well, let's see how he deals with the Dark Reign). its Scott Shady now, and you know that man makes Emma Frost tingle all over (despite those girly lips on the cover). yeah, baby!

well, damn, they're are uglier than Sam and 'Berto!

let us pause for a moment in memory of Forge. until they bring him back in X-Men vs. Transformers. or something.

drive-by readings 021709

I Am Legion #1 (DDP/Humanoids) "The Dancing Faun" Fabien Nury John Cassaday Laura Martin Justin Kelly Crank!

so this is what John Cassaday has been really up to, in between years of penciling Astonishing X-Men (24 issues in 4 years!). Je suis légion, a trilogy originally issued by Euro publishers Les Humanoïdes Associés, has been translated into English via Devil's Due, and Cassaday also lends his scintillating pencils to the project (and maybe a future directing stint?). I Am Legion, a phrase long associated with demons and their ilk, is a fitting title to a tale of mystery involving demonic possession, supernatural weapons and freedom fighters, set in the backdrop of WWII-ravaged Europe. this would look like a Hellboy story, but the protagonist detectives have no superpowers, only their wits and experience. up against Nazis and a demon jumper, they'd better pray to all still be alive by the time this series ends.

Hotwire: Requiem for the Dead #1 (Radical) "Read Me First" Steve Pugh Warren Ellis alternate covers: Stjepan Sejic Alan Brooks Luis Royo

only from the fertile mind of Warren Ellis would there be such a future where the undead coming back to haunt us as wandering electrostatic wraiths ("blue-lights"), and we actually need to employ specialists (DecExs - Detective Exorcists) to deal with the problem (Peter, Ray and Egon unwittingly started the tradition). Alice Hotwire, a cyborg with a personality befitting her name, is the department's top DecEx, but nobody likes her or her devil-may-care attitude. With more blue-light incidents taking place, having battle lines being drawn between the angry immigrant population and the police department adds fuel to the fire. Steve Pugh turns in some nifty artwork, though we'd like to see Stjepan Sejic do the interiors for an issue at least.

Secret Six #6 (DC) "Compound Fracture" Gail Simone Nicola Scott Favi Pina Doug Hazlewood Jason Wright Sal Cipriano

just when you think you're comfy with this title, Gail Simone pulls the rug out from under your dainty baby feet. after surviving the encounter with Ragdoll's sister (ugh), someone in their ranks turn traitor and really mess up everyone else (i think you have an idea who that can possibly be). the next issue better be worth it, and someone better be shot dead. you feelin' me? wait, they're all not dead, right? which means everyone comes back for the big reveal ...

and here we go again ...

Sinestro kills Laira, now a Red Lantern, pushing Hal Jordan over the edge once more, and that's when Atrocitus makes his move. whoa! (couldn't be worse than when he got Parallaxed, could it?)

over at whatever-weird-shit-Warren-Ellis-writes-for-a-living land, the X-Men find themselves beating up extraterrestials who have a surprising link to them ...

whatever Ellis does, its always somehow grabs your attention, even if you have a deficit of that.


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Green Lantern #37, Astonishing X-Men #28

the last boy scout ...

... is gone.

God bless Warren Ellis. Cyclops finally throws out an F-bomb in a charming conversation with Agent Brand. it took him 45 years but what the heck.



i'm sure its because of his current time with the classy-and-skanky White Queen, but we like Scotty a lot more these days than he was with Jean (oh, the blasphemy!!!) and living under Xavier's shadow.


the title of this post is also my favorite Bruce Willis movie. just to throw that out there.

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Astonishing X-Men #27

screen capture, part 3

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies!

i want the movie industry to make films for us geeks. there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. some of them may need an origin movie first, but either way, this is a fantasy casting call for my favorite TPBs.

check out the previous posts:
10. Invincible
9. Empire
8. Ultron Unlimited


7. THE AUTHORITY: CIRCLE
Warren Ellis/Bryan Hitch/Paul Neary (DC/Wildstorm)

do you like fascists? well, here's one for you. actually, here's a whole bunch. The Authority, a supergroup born out of the ashes of Stormwatch (don't ask), appeared at the end of the 20th century to bring order to a world descending into chaos (must be all those silly Y2K predictions). assembled by the electrifying Jenny Sparks, the Authority was needed to deal with superterrorists, cosmic scumbags, interdimensional tyrants - even God (bless you, Warren Ellis).

this movie would be heavy on the sci-fi side - one of the team members is composed of living circuitry and after all, they reside in a "Carrier", a humongous spacecraft that travels between universes, and have the luxury of teleporting to any point in time anywhere. you don't wanna know how many times i yelled "Door", only to find there wasn't any. it'd have fantasy elements too, like the Doctor warping reality as needed. and if you've come for bone-crunching action, well, there's always Apollo and Midnighter ("Bert and Ernie" for those in the know).

the storyline would be the first in the series, where a psychotic tyrant gives the world the finger and sends his superclone army to devastate its cities. this gives the Authority the opening to alert humanity to its presence, and show them who's the boss.

casting call:

Jenny Sparks - the role of the chain-smoking, foul mouthed free spirit of the 20th century seems to have Cate Blanchett's name all over it.

Jack Hawksmoor, the God of Cities can only be depicted by one who played a king. Gerard Butler, come on down!

Midnighter? the team's resident badass will of course be played by someone who's familiar playing a dangerous psycho - Christian Bale. the problem here is when someone decides to do a DC/Wildstorm crossover movie - Bale will have to play both Batman and Midnighter. oh, well, there's always CGI.

Apollo? Matt McConaughey. before everyone gets riled up: this is for a number of reasons. - all of them gay. those who watched Reign of Fire will probably be aghast finding Bale and McConaughey swapping spit. oh wait, didn't you know Midnighter and Apollo were an item? you didn't??

Angelica Spica = The Engineer = Rosario Dawson


Shen Li Min a.k.a. Swift, the Winged Huntress, a.k.a. Maggie Q.

the Doctor - hippie/druggie/the most powerful entity on the team. well, well, Ryan Philippe was practically begging us for the role. we couldn't resist.

sorry to typecast, but asian superterrorist Kaizen Gamorra can only be played by the magnificent Ken Watanabe. eat that.

geek goosebump moment: Kaizen sends his super clone army against London, and the Authority makes its first - and authoritative - appearance. game over.


6. SUPERMAN: RED SON
Mark Millar/Dave Johnson/Kilian Plunkett/Andrew Robinson/Walden Wong (DC Elseworlds)

speaking of ruling with a mailed fist, here's one explored by progressive writer Mark Millar: the last baby out of Krypton does not land in Kansas, he lands in Ukraine. in that one moment, the world changes as the Soviet Union becomes a world power, tipping the balance to the side of the communists and the Warsaw Pact. what would the outcome be?

Luthor does all he can to eliminate the threat to his superiority, which is what he does, regardless of timeline or universe anyway. up to his eventual assumption of the presidency of the USA, he makes a Superman clone, collaborates with aliens, creates supervillains, and even procures an alien weapon to be used by the military - all against the Soviet Man of Steel. and all this time, Superman just wants to be a working class citizen, helping out his countrymen, until he learns that the price of having powers is far too greater than he can bear. too much dependence can be a bitch. ask your local crack addict.

in the meantime, Superman's greatest foe may not be Luthor - but the freedom fighter named ... Batman! hoooohaaaaaa!!!!

i suspect this will be a much better film than that dreck served by Bryan Singer.

casting call:

casting Superman is always difficult. he's so iconic, nobody can just step up and say they're the Man of Steel convincingly. in addition to this, the ghost of Christopher Reeve is hanging around the role. that'll be enough to scare the bejeezus out of anyone. Brandon Routh couldn't act his way out of a can. which is why i can't decide as of this writing (cop out, cop out ...). how about this guy? no? have you seen Hollywoodland? no??

Lex Luthor, smartest man on the planet, playing for good ol' USA. as usual, his vanity is always his undoing. i think we should keep the best role player on Singer's film in here; just make sure Kevin Spacey plays ball, and make like this is an Oscar-worthy role and not just chew scenery.

Batman = can we just put Bale in anything involving the Bat? he probably can even play a geriatric Dark Knight. wait, i have another in mind for that.

another difficult role to cast would be Wonder Woman, what with Lynda Carter's shadow looming from the 70s. well, howzabout we give Jessica Biel a spin? i mean, for real? it's too late to reanimate Carter's corpse, you know. i kid, i kid.

Lois Lane Luthor. yes, you read that right. The Daily Planet's ace reporter does not meet Clark Kent, she meets and marries our favorite bald villain instead. poor Maria Bello.

guvmint agent Jimmy Olsen. is redhead Eric Stoltz still available? or young enough?


Pyotr Roslov - an equivalent to "Pete Ross", childhood pal of Clark, now a jealous KGB chairman. Tim Dalton can do this schtick.


Lana Lazarenko = Lana Lang = Catherine Keener


Josef Stalin should only be played by the one! the only! Ulrich von Lichtenstein Sir Ben Kingsley!


Perry White should always be played by Frank Langella. yes, Singer got this right too.


Colonel Hal Jordan, Vietnam survivor with a one-track mind, perfect for Operation Green Light.



geek goosebump moment: take your pick. this:


or this:




'nuff said!