hell boys and girls

drive-by readings

New Mutants #16 (Marvel) "What is Project Purgatory?" Zeb Wells Leonard Kirk Guru eFX Joe Caramagna Dave Wilkins (cover)

what we learned: so this General Ulysses (his name's so macho, there was no choice except to join the military) was really trapped in Limbo by General Combest when demons started attacking them. now its payback time as he brings in his weaponized mutants (those babies in Inferno) - bang! Scott Summers wasted time keeping Hope safe when there were other mutants out there anyway. kidding.
oh shit moment: the audacity of the US military to put a base in Limbo and create weapons is mind-boggling.
what's next: fight, fight, fight!


which translates as "the doors are open! its Black Friday sale!!!"

from hell

drive-by readings

New Mutants #15 (Marvel) Zeb Wells Leonard Kirk Guru eFX Joe Caramagna Dave Wilkins (cover) Art Adams (variant cover)

what we learned: the US black ops soldiers who actually lived in Limbo are now back to take Illyana, whom they believe to be a very dangerous person, despite orders from their high command. great timing because Sam and the rest have been sent to Texas on forced R&R by Cyclops.
oh shit moment: you've seen it before but the proper use of a red herring always works: the ambush of a mutant you weren't expecting. oh and Dani and Sam kissing. that's like, overdue for 25 years.
what's next: maybe this time Pixie will let go of that chip on her shoulder.


hey, i didn't see this in Lethal Weapon 3.

full circle, part 1

drive-by readings

Second Coming #2 (Marvel) Zeb Wells Ibraim Roberson Matt Milla Mike Carey Esad Ribic Matt Wilson Craig Kyle Christopher Yost Greg Land Jay Leisten Frank Martin Matt Fraction Terry Dodson Rachel Dodson Brad Anderson Joe Caramagna Clayton Cowles Joe Sabino Adi Granov (cover) David Finch/Matt Banning/Peter Steigerwald (variant cover)

so this is the end of the one of the more exciting X-Crossovers in recent years (i'm still partial to Messiah Complex). Hope's initial worth was a few limbs, and the lives of Kurt and oh yeah ... that guy on the cover above. if you didn't see that coming ... well, i guess some of us didn't, despite the obvious buzz on Nightcrawler's death. hey, if you Google "cable is dead", all the top hits are about the ex-Stereophonics drummer Stuart Cable. no respect for you, Nathan.

the final story is divided into four chapters, and the first one is easily the most interesting. there's Peter getting his broken arm reset (25000 PSI!). there's Magneto showing flashes of his old self (quite characteristic actually). and there's that poignant shot of Hope holding her known father figure's arm (all that remained of him). i can't believe they're getting rid of Cable this easily. then again, this is comics. he'll probably come back as a baby as well.

if i have a beef with the first chapter, its this:


we know Karma lost her leg several issues ago. either they created costumes (unstable molecules!) for her that really ends high up that leg, or she never changed clothes since.

chapter 2 has a flashback with Hope and Cable, and kind of confirms in a way that he may not be gone forever. erstwhile best pal Deadpool shows up at his funeral (and the 3rd chapter will show why). Magneto is there of course, full costume and all, and its ironic, for someone who remembers the '90s.

in chapter 3, we have a philosophical argument between Storm and Wolverine about X-Force, and they agree to disagree. Logan disbands the rest of the team, and reports back to Cyclops of the dissolution. Scott heroically confirms that he'll do it all over again, and is even willing to go to jail if the oh-so-heroic Avengers ever learn about their activities and attempt to arrest him. despite their differences over the years (not the least of which was fighting over a certain redhead), Scott and Logan are the perfect foils to each other and work well as anyone. that relationship is going to be strained when Scott learns about this:


is Warren holding a gun? Psylocke too? and why are they all facing us? was there a presscon and they need to pose, a la Dark Avengers? are they LMDs? Deadpool finally gets to be a full time member of an X-team. sort of. by the way, is Logan required to change costumes when doing X-Force meetings?

so, Uncanny X-Force it is.

two things on the last chapter: Emma gets the bejeezus scared out of there because of some connection between Jean Grey/Phoenix and Hope (redheads just won't die), and Namor getting to be more and more of a team player (a gruff one at that, and he can't shoot the rock a lick). the co-opting of Magneto and Namor under the X-banner is one of the most welcome events in X-Men history. like i keep repeating on this blog, do not turn back the clock and make them villains again.

arachnot.phobia

so apparently there's this Spider-Man story arc where blood relatives of the late Kraven the Hunter go after the rocky Fantastic Four member known as the ... what? it's not The Grimm Hunt? well, why dincha say so?

just kidding. Spidey's back in capable hands the last couple of years and the recent 'Gauntlet' theme, with all his classic rogues gallery coming back to bitch-slap him was just the prelude, orchestrated by Kraven's family, to finally bring down their arachnid enemy and resurrect their patriarch. i figured i'd wait till the conclusion of the arc before i put it in my two cents worth (roughly 1/8 its value because of the economy).


so what's the deal? first off, i can't believe anyone would call himself "Kraven the Hunter". it sounds cool and all, but Kraven or 'craven' means 'cowardly' or 'characterized by abject fear'. i don't think anyone who fancies himself to be a hunter would like to be seen in that light. is this in reference to the Wizard of Oz, because Kraven is dressed up up in lion gear? ah, i know. its the media who gave him that nickname. Sergei Kravinoff. Kravinoff the Hunter. Kravin the Hunter! then someone makes a typo.

the main perpetrators of this scheme is Kraven's wife Sasha and his purported daughter Ana, and recruit Kravinoff's (crazy) son Alyosha. first up, kidnap Madame Web and Mattie Franklin (the Other Other Spider-Woman). the Madame, for her prognosticating abilities (and in a way, responsible for psychically drugging Peter), and Mattie, as a sacrifice to revive (with assistance from Diablo and Electro) the other Kravinoff son, Vladimir, who now becomes Taylor Lautner. oh, sorry, was that a lion-like creature? again, with the lions. uh, duh.


hunters like to stalk obviously, and no amount of restraining orders will keep them away. Spidey clone Kaine (i try not to think of the '90s, honestly) gets fragged but manages to warn Peter of the impending danger. he's somehow mysteriously being me when i get annihilated by allergies, but manages to rescue (in a way) Arachne (Julia Carpenter - the Other Spider-Woman) from Ana and Alyosha. strangely, they never did date.


another figure from Peter's past shows up: Ezekiel (gaahhh! too many Spiders!), who confirms the "war between hunters and spiders". and just in time, they get to save Araña (who's like the Dora the Explorer of the Spider family) from the Kravinoffs. or not. Spidey's not a hundred percent, so he keeps slipping up, and the hunters take Spider-Woman 2 and Spider-Girl. but wait - if they need just his blood to resurrect their Daddy, why don't they just go get Spidey outright? all this dancing around - and the altruistic Ezekiel leads him right into their trap (CGI and special effects provided by Mysterio), with Ezekiel revealing himself to be the Chameleon (their uncle Dmitri, natch!) - its just theatre. were they aiming for Tonys?


and when the deed is finally done:


do we really get Kraven? or someone who's already short of a few braincells further reduced?


ok, this series was dedicated to JM DeMatteis and Mike Zeck, who were responsible for Kraven's Last Hunt (and Kraven's suicide) and may be an aside saying, "we're gonna bring him baaaaaaaaaack - and y'all can do nuthin' about it!"

Spider-Man as it turns out, is the thread that holds the web together. and if he's weakened or dead, the web is broken. kinda like the Force. so all the creatures in NYC get restless (where's Animal Man when you need him?) and for some, like the lions (yes, the lions) get back to basics and attack humans. you know Hizzoner J. Jonah Jameson is going to blame Spider-Man for all of this the next day, right?


whooop. there it is.


Kraven, for what its worth, finds the whole thing distasteful (he retired on top, fer chrissakes - why would he want to come back?), and even the Chameleon is having second thoughts about it too. even i would be creeped out if i had a daughter who wanted to please me (ok, that didn't turn out right) the way Ana pathetically and desperately wants his approval. she even stabs him when he goes nuts (ok, that was courtesy of Madame Web).

even worse, its not Peter Parker's blood that brought him back ...


yes, apparently, Mysterio is not the only one who knows about sleight-of-hand and special FX. Kaine pulls a last-minute switcheroo, and thus giving hope that we can close the door on this cloning thing. but no ...


Kraven takes matters into his own hands (despite his better instincts) and challenges Spider-Man to a hunt. and even provides the clothing (where the hell did he get the black costume?). by the way, did we mention that Peter did another rising from the grave act? and he's the jokester in the Avengers.


now he's the Spyder (not the sports apparel brand), and he's laying the smackdown on anyone related to Kraven. the strange part is, Kraven gives his "marching orders" but chills out as everyone gets picked off one at a time. then when we get to the inevitable, mano-a-mano, the Spyder gets the upper hand - and takes the high road. because he's the goddamn thread that holds everything together. he's not like Daredevil!!


so, the Kravinoffs teleport out of there (lucky Chameleon slinks back into the concrete jungle with 3 million dollars tax free) and end up in the Savage Land. Kraven dispatches Sasha and Vladimir due to philosophical differences (and when i say "dispatch", i don't mean "sent to the crime scene"). Julia becomes the new Madame Web, and Araña updates her duds with Julia's black costume. Kaine, meanwhile, is dead as a dodo one moment, then rises from the grave too the next. apparently, he will become the first Tarantula who isn't remotely Hispanic.

the whole thing holds up. although i would rather have dead villains stay dead (yeah sure), Kraven is probably the last great Spider-villain that needed to be brought back (please do not bring back the goddamned Jackal!), in keeping with the whole Spider-Man revival (which has been great in the last few years after the awkward One More Day/Brand New Day). its a bit heavy into mysticism and the fantastic, which is a Joe Kelly trademark, but that works well with the Kraven angle. it just became a lot more creepier though, with Ana presumably winning her survival challenge with Alyosha, and returning to jump-start a tribe with her Papa. eeewwww.

by the way, the best line (and a critique of superhero comics in general) is this:


that applies to heroes too!

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Amazing Spider-Man #634-637

snaps: New Mutants #13

... where i missed it last week and thus totally missed the girlfight! and am not talking about the Hope/Dani throwdown. Donald Pierce makes his presence felt but despite his anticipation to go down fighting the X-Men, he lasts just a little bit longer than that bomb about to go off and kill off the X-nerds.



well, if you put it that way, no. you're the type who goes to brothels. wanna teleport to your favorite one right now?


Warlock's feeling ashamed for being responsible for all that javascript that puts drive-by viruses on your PC because you use Internet Explorer, dumbass.


"-- be mature and ready for a long-term commitment?"


oy, look who's taking a leadership tack! hey, Subby, are you going to blame Cyclops later?


the X-Men Science team, everybody!!!

here's a shout-out for John Tyler Christopher for the Heroic Age variant. awesome. it looks Greg Land-ish, but hereabouts, we likey Mr. Land.

snaps: New Mutants #9

... where i can't still figure out how Shaun Cassidy Doug Ramsey came back from the dead. i mean, the dead get reanimated from Eli Bard's techno-organic virus but basically they're still dead, right? if its just a matter of purging the virus, then all the DEAD mutants in the world WOULD ALREADY BE ALIVE AND WELL AND SINK UTOPIA BY NOW BECAUSE OF THEIR COMBINED WEIGHT!!!!

ok, on to this issue. apparently, some gun-toting spawns of Limbo a la Doom have arrived to kill everyone and only Illyana ... excuse me, Illyana 2.0 knows about this because she travelled back in time to warn the X-Men. so basically, Pete, that's your soulless sister, not the one you grew up with in the Russian collective.

oh, and Shaun Cassidy Doug Ramsey, who basically would thrive in our digital world (the main reason why he would make sense more alive than dead, continuity and Chris Claremont be damned), is slowly being accepted by his former friends. although after he was told to fuck off by that classy Brazilian Bobby Da Costa.

in binary, that's 000101000110101 0101010101010001111!!


RIAA alert!!! someone's gonna get suuuuuuuuueeeed!!


Sam's trying to be cool, but Amara's that hot. check out his eyes.



what the hell - doing it with her mentor's son beside her lover's dead body? what a bitch!!


wow. humble much?


lookit, their targets' profile pics are actual panels in this same comic!!!

snaps: New Mutants #7

... where its back to high school for the original New Mutants, with a lot more bitching, yelling, demons, zombies, rivalries, and decapitation.

1) and don't forget Saddam was his boyfriend! (what? am sure she watches South Park!!)


2) hey, Jetstream! do you want it whole, skim, 2% or half-and-half?


3) hmmm. the 'exclamation mark' could also denote a remark line. which basically means none of your 'actions' would be executed.


4) ah, DougLock. always the best of friends.


5) Bobby learned from Bernard Pollard. yup, he did.


6) the correct answer to that is: DUH.

like, who hasn't boinked a Skrull?

we got Hank Pym, Clint Barton, Johnny Storm (waaaay back), Tigra (preggy!!) ... maybe the Skrull Kill Krew ... and as the evidence above shows, even the ol' Canucklehead himself.


geez. at least y'all coulda used protection! well, didja??



by the way, this issue left me confused. is Elektra just a cold-blooded killing machine, not breaking cover even if she had to whack a lot of S.H.I.E.L.D. guys? this was like poking a ghastly bullet wound.

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Dark Reign: Elektra #5

drive-by readings: Amazing Spider-Man #600

Amazing Spider-Man #600 (Marvel) "Last Legs" Dan Slott John Romita Jr./Klaus Janson Dean White/Joe Caramagna Stan Lee Marcos Martin/Javier Rodriguez Mark Waid Colleen Doran/Jose Villarubia Bob Gale Mario Alberti/Jared K. Fletcher Marc Guggenheim Mitch Breitweiser/Elizabeth Breitweiser Zeb Wells Derec Donovan/Antonio Fabela

Tom Breevort had a great line about this issue: "in ASM #200, she comes back from the dead. in ASM #400 she dies. in ASM #600 she gets married. by this logic, ASM #800 will feature her prom, ASM #1000 will be her coming out party, and she'll be born in ASM #1200." milk came out of my nose. it is weird because i remember from my childhood that Aunt May was already old and crinkly and she had a heart attack every 9 issues. and she almost married Dr. Octopus. and now Peter walks in on her knocking boots with J. Jonah Jameson's pop, fer Chrissakes. this should be included in the next Spidey movie. it would be priceless to see J.K. Simmons go through the penthouse roof with all the things going on!

the venerable John Romita Jr returns to draw the 600th issue (it is also strange to describe Romita Jr as venerable, and not his dad, considering i do still remember Johnny winning the first Marvel Bullpen Bulletin Hunk of the Month), and it just seems perfect to have Doc Ock make his long-awaited comeback. it kinda puts me off that he seems to have devolved (due to numerous years of superhero-inflicted trauma - more villains should be like this!) into a wired techno baddie like the Calculator. this should be the Fixer (who's over in the Initiative). and those octobots? Minority Report stuff.

the great stuff: there's a lot going on - Peter's lovable loser persona in full bore, teaming up and wisecracking with his fellow heroes (hilarious to have Logan threatening to pop a claw in his ass if he doesn't shut up), and saving the common folk and the day (and the ladies). is Daredevil the only one who doesn't know his secret ID at this point? and if i were Doc Ock, i'd be driven nuts by the nonstop Spidey patter too. since he's about to bite the dust (yeah, sure), expect another major appearance in the next few months.

a couple more things: backup vignettes by Team Spidey (and funny fantasy covers by various superstars), the wedding itself (and the events leading up to it, of course) with JJJ feeling magnanimous for 15 minutes and performs the ceremony. and what else? oh yeah, the return of the one ... the only ... (hint: "face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot!"). no, its not Jackpot.

c'mon guys, admit it: it was a painful shift through One More Day/Brand New Day, but Team Spidey has brought back our beloved character back to where he belongs.

drive-by readings: Dark Reign - Elektra #4

Dark Reign: Elektra #4 (Marvel) Zeb Wells Clay Mann Mark Pennington Matt Hollingsworth Cory Petit Lee Bermejo (cover)

it had to happen eventually right? Elektra vs Bullseye in the World Series of Hurt - so far, its still Bullseye 1, Elektra 0. well, make that 0.5, because an injured Elektra manages to stab Bullseye with his own arrow, and the jerk threw in the towel and ran away from the ring.

say with all the crap the Hawkeye costume got (skirt?), it's a kind of weird to have Bullseye wearing it in perverse honor in combat. Clint Barton, you better take back that costume when this is all finished. also, can anybody tell me what comic shows anyone firing a bullet manually - i should think the Punisher or Quentin Tarantino would've done it by now, because it looks so cool.

why is there an issue remaining in this series? because there's still that matter of the 82 million dollar bounty on Elektra's head and who put in that order. i reckon Wolverine should be able to help in that regard.

and now i will burn my copy of Uncanny X-Men #303

for real this time. and also that LegionQuest series.

actually, Legion's too good a villain to pass up. well, actually way too powerful, and that's probably why they killed him off the first time. why, he can make me appreciate this new series by wiping my mem-

huh? where am i? what year is this?

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New Mutants #1

Paladin is a loser

i mean, ever since i first saw him trying to score points with the late Janet Van Dyne in the pages of the Avengers, its been downhill ever since.

i don't care how many people he helped in the course of his career - he's a goddamned mercenary and will only be motivated by whoever has the bigger wallet. has Daredevil gotten even yet for being shot by Paladin with a sniper rifle? i need to find that issue where Paladin gets his legs broken by U.S. Agent.

the turning point was infiltrating the Heroes for Hire and capturing Captain America for S.H.I.E.L.D. thank goodness for the topless martial artist for saving the day (you know i meant Shang Chi, not Colleen Wing, you dirty schmucks).

and now, for 82 million bucks, he goes behind his current Thunderbolt boss, Wormin' Norman Osborn, to kill the real Elektra (a rehab patient during the regime change). of course, she uses some Tooth Fu (main practitioners being Bullseye and the Ultimate version of Hawkeye) and gains the upper hand, as well as enjoying her first skewering (one she once endured) in a long, long while.

Zeb Wells loves Paladin so much, he keeps getting screen roles

and thus, we are in for a treat next issue as she gets to kill lots of H.A.M.M.E.R. fodder (who needed the jobs in this recession and now may not enjoy the benefits).

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Dark Reign: Elektra #1

wish everything was this easy

The Chameleon tries to impersonate the President-elect and leaves most of his brain at home. what a chump.


good luck, President Barack.

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The Amazing Spider-Man #583

the end of the innocence

is this the final issue of Heroes for Hentai Hire?

getting involved in World War Hulk was much more than they bargained for, especially if it makes Shang Chi, who reeks of 'peaceful martial artist bar none', do this:


who cares about Humbug anyway? (the original Bug of the Micronauts and current player in Annihilation: Conquest is much more interesting) oh well, at least Shang still has Tarantula, right? right?

too bad it does end like this ... hey, wait, is it really the end? they canceled NextWave and now they're canceling this? c'mon, guys!



its been a long hard road since they started a new era.

speaking of World War Hulk, i didn't even know it ended until somebody made a (cough, cough) compilation ... damn, Bruce, what a way to go. hope you wake up when World War Skrull begins.

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Heroes for Hire #15
Zeb Wells, Alvin Lee, Leonard Kirk, Ale Garza, James Cordeiro, Terry Pallot

i was just buggin'

its finally here!

having been captured by Hulk's Warbound, our odd collection of heroes get the "Alien"/Sigourney Weaver/Japanese manga treatment, courtesy of Sana Takeda. of course, the cover is a slightly askew depiction of Zeb Wells' story, used more to draw fanboys to expect something different but would end up disappointing them because Clay Mann is drawing the interiors.

also, i would advise you not to read much into this:

Clay Mann: "bestiality? what dat?


OMAC, ... i mean, Bug, seems to be slowly slipping to dark side, the way he's betraying his friends to the Brood Queen and the bugs. but somehow, his act doesn't fool me.



also, should we take this to mean this is the most exciting event for a martial artist since Ralph Macchio was about to crane kick William Zabka? he finally comes to terms to kicking ass and tapping ass! welcome back, Shang!


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Heroes for Hire #13

how green is your planet

World War Hulk sightings:

too many insects

Humbug is now more-than-half-bug, less-than-half-human. he thinks his mission is to make this world safe for his insect friends, hence he has to wipe out this new alien infestation. trouble is, his pals are overmatched against the Hulk's pals. much worse, the Queen Brood seems to have Humbug's number, including his secret blog. lest you think this is dragging on for far too long, next month is the one you've been waiting for!

Dugan talks to objects

after the beatdown T-Stark got from the Jolly Green Giant, S.H.I.E.L.D. is in almost total disarray. where's that bulldyke Maria Hill now?? anyway, Tony manages to give instructions to loyal service guy Dum Dum Dugan via his Extremis shit on one final Hulk-beating solution, but it involves lot of collateral damage.

the friend of my friend is my enemy

Rick Jones vs Miek! or not. this one is more of a philosophical battle and not much of a physical one (guess who wins! let's just say we all hope the Miek shall not inherit the earth, heh heh). those who wanted a lot more punch in their funny books best just skipped to the next one below ...

the Hulk beats up old guys

with the supposedly-Hulk's-friend and most-powerful-being-ever Sentry not answering Dubya's summons to join the fray, we have to endure the geezers General Ross and Doc Strange (well, not really a geezer yet, but in terms of seniority yeah) taken down by the Hulk. but wait! don't count the Doc out ... he's bringing out the Zom.

so yeah. who else is left? we need Nick Fury here asap! or Thor! we need Thor! (too bad, Thor#1 seems to take place after these events)

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Incredible Hulk #108
Greg Pak, Leonard Kirk, Scott Hanna
Iron Man#20
Chris Gage, Butch Guice
World War Hulk #2
Greg Pak, John Romita Jr., Klaus Janson
Heroes For Hire #12
Zeb Wells, Clay Mann, Terry Pallot