Cap ...

... is feeling depressed inside the slammer.


(that's our Chris Sims-like take for the day)

some cyberspace

sometimes, it gets irritating to read comic-related movie news that weren't written by knowledgeable people. i detest the drooling fanboy type, but i kind of get annoyed by writers who have no background at all. i'd rather write about stuff i know or do some research on it, instead of getting paid to write crap.

According to our source, Fox isn’t waiting around to see how the solo movie performs. ... they’re tossing around story ideas for the almost inevitable Wolverine 2. Word is that the character they’re hoping to use as the villain of Wolverine 2 is someone named Cyber.

someone named Cyber??

i'd smash this palooka's face, if i were Cyber. that and if i wasn't dead. no respect. there's always Wikipedia.



ol' Silas Burr says tell him you're sorry, little man!

back in Wolverine #79-81, Cyber tangled with Wolverine, who's fresh off getting un-adamantiumed by Magneto. it was enjoyable rip-roaring ride, courtesy of he-man Larry "I Want to Write G.I.Joe 'Til I Die" Hama. take note of this Three Stooges-type sequence, as Cyber is distracted by ceremonial cannon fire while going mano-a-mano with the ol' Canucklehead.

adamantium-less Wolverine versus the adamantium/hallucinogen-laced Cyber? no contest. but that doesn't stop Logan from clawing, punching, kicking and burning the Cyber man.

i actually missed the last two-thirds of the battle the first time around; i only finished it years later. i was kinda disappointed that they just managed to imprison him in Muir Island. Cyber would eventually donate (non-consensual, of course) his adamantium to Wolverine (who raises a pint to him annually), and in doing so, would take a long dirtnap. in Mighty Marvel tradition, he's up and about and still making trouble, most recently in Wolverine: Origins.

someone named Cyber?? good grief.


ok, sorry, forgot my meds today.

haterade (is it in you?)

half and half (stuff i never finished til now)


Fantastic Four #280-281
"Tell Them All They Love Must Die"
"With Malice Towards All"
John Byrne/Jerry Ordway/Glynis Oliver/John Workman
Secret Wars II #2
"I'll Take Manhattan"
Jim Shooter/Al Milgrom/Steve Leialoha/Joe Rubinstein

back when John Byrne was still the John Byrne, he had a stellar run on Fantastic Four, one of the highlights being this two-part classic (with the conclusion happening in the Secret Wars II crossover).

it all starts with the foursome returning to Earth from another adventure and finding the Baxter Building literally gone. crowd control becomes messy and soon the cops are putting on the Gestapo act. supporting character Wyatt Wingfoot gets a baton in the face for his trouble. some things never change between the red man and the white man.

at this point in their history, the Four have welcomed She-Hulk (hotshot attorney and Bruce Banner's cousin Jennifer Walters) into their ranks, with Ben Grimm taking a leave of absence (into his own solo series), Johnny was dating the blind sculptor Alicia Masters (the Thing's ex), and their costumes have taken a dark blue hue.

the riled-up crowd is no coincidence, as the evil Psycho Man and the Hate Monger have been working behind the scenes to ... do what? destroy the FF of course. why else would they be stirring up this crap?

why, the Hate Monger seems to have taken a page from the Skrull World Conquest Strategy Guide and uses it to their advantage.

but i bet Suzie could tell if she asked 'Reed' to stretch his ... y'know.

anyway, the real Reed is over at Avengers' Mansion and learns of a 'hate'-oriented pamphlet making the rounds of the city, which instantly arouses his suspicions. i bet those pamphlets were produced by Fox News! quick, check if Bill O'Reilly's mug is in them; he can't resist the publicity.

wait, was this Jarvis already a Skrull at this time?? juuuuuuuuuuuuuust asking.

meanwhile, She Hulk has been arrested by the cops for defending her boyfriend Wyatt by assaulting them, and the paddy wagon she's been hauled in has been intercepted by ...

She Hulk, being the paragon of the law that she is, allows the opponent to cast the first stone, then returns the favor.

too bad, it doesn't work, and this Malice uses oddly familiar powers to defeat our resident powerhouse.

a few panels later, we learn why those powers are "oddly familiar"!

yeah, Suzie looks hot in that collar. spank me, baby!!

Johnny, on the other hand, does not look hot with his dated haircut (well, it was cool back in 1983!!!)

you never had to fight martians before? we should have a FF/Justice League crossover. or Johnny vs Marvin.

Reed deduces that the pamphlets are of alien origin, thereby blowing out our Fox News conspiracy out of the water. wait, Bill O'Reilly is a fucking alien anyway! whooops, don't let Limbaugh or Dobbs hear that.

the Hate Monger basks in his victory, as New Yorkers take to the streets and against each other. this was around 18 years after Watts, 14 after Stonewall, 5 before Tompkins Square Park and 8 before Rodney King. well done, jackass.

even Daredevil doesn't escape the hate. not only did they assault a handicapped person, they called him a jive honky. a jive honky?! please enlighten me.

Johnny and Alicia discuss the disappearance of Sue, which coincided with the appearance of a 'Reed' (the real one being with Johnny at that time). Brian Bendis probably read this issue too.

Reed and Johnny encounter Malice, and Reed, not recognizing his lovely wife (i guess he never uh, put a collar on her before), realizes he can make a spiny pufferfish impression. hurts though.

Daredevil lends a hand ... well, more of a feeling, and his conclusion is also not a recommended answer when your wife asks you if she is fat.

a possessed Susan makes short work of our heroes, and no amount of convincing seems to get through her. well, its Daredevil's fault, calling her a "lump" and a "shifting spheroid". combine that with PMS, and you better pray, boy.

but let's give Reed some credit for knowing what hand to play, despite what they say about antisocial big brains. yes, if the wench wants it, give it to her!

and thus order is restored in the universe. or maybe not. i bet Reed kept the costume later.

i don't see the point why Byrne didn't conclude the storyline here, because they had to finish it off in the Secret Wars II crossover, a flimsy excuse to put all Marvel characters together to defeat up some world beater. its actually a tradition.

these events coincided with the arrival of the omnipotent being called the Beyonder, who was responsible anyway for the first Secret Wars. with chaos reigning in the streets, the FF somehow turn the tide after regaining Susan, and for all of the Hate Monger's power, he's actually a pussy. oh my lord. you don't say.

and to add injury to the insult, he's assassinated by the D-list loser Scourge (who was also going about killing his fellow D-listers in the Marvel U).

it turns out this Hate Monger was just an android creation of the Psycho Man (imagine creating your own pet. its kinda like Tamagochi). booooo. Psycho Man escapes, allowing for more tales to be told (and money to be made).

nice start, weak finish.

tripping the force magnetic pt. 1

back in the '90s, i latched back into comics even though i didn't have the cash to get really serious about it. i think it was because my college years were a kind of sabbatical, thus i missed a lot of stuff. (Robin died! or maybe not.) but i guess the itch came back, everyone's favorite merry band of mutants were on animated form, and the rest is history.

missing out on reformation/splitting of the X-teams (Jim Lee crafting his legend, Chris Claremont bidding adieu), i landed right in the middle of the Fabian Nicieza/Scott Lobdell run, and the return of Magneto. say what you will about '90s comics then, but the X-crossovers, convoluted as they may be (thank you, Bob Harras), were major events not to be missed. in fact, the rest of the year became filler or stage setups for next summer (which has been more or less rectified these days, no?).

after Magneto's much-hyped demise in the first story arc of the adjectiveless X-Men, we learn that he's not really dead (ho-hum) and is back with a bigger bunch of losers called the Acolytes. the biggest loser of them all, the tastefully-named Fabian Cortez (sorry, Mr. Easterbrook), actually had the cojones to usurp Magneto's position and cause, and its just a matter of time before he gets found out. but in the meantime, he goes about his business, acting all high and mighty, ordering the other Acolytes about, and generally making a nuisance of himself.

Fatal Attractions
X-Factor #92 "The Man Who Wasn't There"
Scott Lobdell/Joe Quesada/J.M. DeMatteis/Al Milgrom

boasting a superb wraparound cover by current Marvel EEK Joe Q, with the requisite gimmicky enhanced hologram, #92 ushered the end of the first Peter David era (awwwww), and the start of the DeMatteis run. Quesada's trademark flowing/suspended hair and tiptoe stance is in full force here. but you can't deny the man can draw. if only he did a lot more of that these days.

the story opens with a nurse narrating how the Acolytes hack and slashed their way through an ER (ummmm ... because they didn't treat a mutant?) and poignantly asking how could Magneto inspire such passionate murderers. Quicksilver (Pietro Maximoff to you non-existent Transians) in his most serious good guy role in years (he's obviously back to being a jerk these days), has no answer himself. its obvious that he's torn with the burden of his pop's legacy on his shoulders and his own individual pursuits of power. but he doesn't shy away from being worshiped by his pop's followers.

the Acolytes have mostly a flair for the dramatic, which is obvious when they discuss things among themselves or burst through a wall ala Kool Aid guy. they probably have degrees from this prestigious institution and extensive training with this company. when it comes to brawling though, they're still in kindergarten.

Cortez wants to raise his profile, natch, which is why he wants to make a statement by randomly killing flatscans (that's "non-mutant humans" for you, human), and striking a blow for the mutant revolution. target: a seemingly-abandoned military base. but its just a setup so he can convince Pietro to join him.

X-Factor shouldn't even be there, if Havok didn't follow his instincts and trail their guvmint liaison Val Cooper and Pietro to Camp Hayden. and when they find out that the base harbors a bunch of Sentinels for the much-whispered Project: Wideawake (another black ops mandate to wipe out illegal immigration, but the text was changed to read "mutants"), and the Acolytes start their Kool Aid thing, all hell breaks loose. Despite Chris Claremont's departure from writing the X-books, his influence is so prevalent that profuse verbal jousting is second nature to two super-powered combatants exchanging punches and kicks.

but there are some good fight scenes here - despite the inclusion of annoying bounty hunter Random, he gives the team some badass presence (sorry, Guido, you're strong, but you're a strong clown). but speaking of badass, who would have thought resident jokester Jamie Madrox (the Multiple Man, leader of the team's 2007 incarnation), could fight dirty? classic.

the fight ends more in X-Factor's favor, as Pietro spurns Cortez's offer, and the Acolytes' Mellencamp bites the dust. rumor has it that this character was originally the American country /pop sensation, until he devolved into a lizard-like beast. hating the fact that he can't perform in public anymore, he joined the Acolytes. there is no explanation as to who is this doppelganger who assumed the mantle and created that annoying song for weekend football, shilling for Chevy.

more revelations are in order as the team learns their high and mighty connection to Uncle Sam, Val Cooper, has known about Project: Wideawake all along. but i'm more interested in their choice of hair products; look at Pietro's hair - it makes Superman's spit curl look so dated.

and thus they exit stage a la-Reservoir Dogs set to Kill Bill music. you know how that goes.


X-Force #25 "Back to Front"
Fabian Nicieza/Greg Capullo/and around 198 inkers

the New Mutants became a misnomer after issue #100, because you can't have almost the same cast of characters for that long and still be called "new". enter the craptacular 4 million-issue -selling force known as Rob Liefeld, and comics will never be the same again (actually, it did - remember his return a couple of years ago? you don't. i don't either.). X-Force became the poster kids for running away from home and doing it their way.

in the aftermath of Liefeld's acrimonious departure from Marvel, Fabian Nicieza took the reins and had a somewhat passable run. in their contribution to this crossover, a new Magneto disciple, Exodus (did they even have a character named Excrement? no? why not?), extends another invitation to Xavier's second generation to join Magneto in a place called Heaven. who is this crackhead and why are they even listening to him? wait ... wasn't Fabian (Cortez, not Nicieza) the salesman doing the rounds? what's going on? ahh, the magic of disjointed storytelling, which we will honor by explaining everything in the next post. if ever.

let's backtrack a bit. fleeing Xavier's coop, this particular generation of mutants had other teachers, notably the villain of this piece, and the gun-toting time traveler Cable (ah, but it turns out he's so much more). Cable appeared from the future to lead this ragtag group of tweenies and then disappeared from this era in pursuit of his clone Stryfe (ah yes, Marvel's stupid fascination with clones and dark halves), who attempted to assassinate Charley (to those who are familiar, that was the previous year's crossover). and now he's back in our timeline. that's why they shout for joy, sing his praises, lift their voice, unto the ... ok forget it.

i mean, look at how they express their happiness with Cable's return.


ah, families.

we also see genuine warmth from others who share Cable's vision of "shoot first, shoot again, shoot later".

but then, everybody brings out the tissues when Samuel Guthrie (a.k.a. like a "Cannonball"), de facto leader of the group (when the teacher isn't around), goes all weepy in having his nth foster father realize that there is so much more to them than soldiers waging war (i guess punching Cable brought him to his senses). this also means someone will be telling him stories at bedtime, instead of doing it for the other babies in this dysfunctional family.

of course, family reunions don't last too long, as this cunejo named Exodus shows up, ostensibly to hand out invitations in the name of Magnus ("harbinger of the magnetic storm" ... all of Magneto's salesmen have great language skills but just average selling skills).

among the few invitees are Sam and Roberto "Look at Me Wrong and I'll Kill You" DaCosta. as to how the hell Exodus transported them up there to 'Heaven', you tell me. before leaving though, Sam surreptitiously gives Cable a tracer to track him (Sam), an action with which his mentor is visibly pleased. wait, if you want somebody to track you, shouldn't they plant a tracer on you?

so Cable and the others follow, and Cable throws a hissy fit when he finds out that 'Heaven' is actually his space station (with an electronic butler/friend named "Professor", no less), appropriated by Magneto. this gives him more motivation to kick some doors down, and shoot first, shoot again, and shoot later.

of course, Sam the Centrist talks him down from the ledge. regardless, Cable activates his teleport tech ("bodyslide") and moves his students back to Earth. that done, it's ... CableTime!!

that pose above is the result of Magneto finally showing his purple- and red-clad musclebound 50 year old bod ... see how Cable gets excited?

of course, that excitement kind of dulls the intelligent brain cells, as he conveniently forgets that he, a partial cyborg, has no business going up against somebody who can control magnetic forces.


Magneto may be correct in pointing out later that Cable won the philosophical battle, depriving him of the chance to get Sam and the others on his side, but Cable surely lost the physical one, getting reduced to spare parts (rehab was gonna be a bitch).

next: bring on the real X-Men!