prom here to eternity

Avengers Academy #13, where we have the Red Skull dancing with another long-lost daughter!

kidding aside, this is a sweet issue, as the new Avenger kids have their first prom, and chaperoned by Hank Pym and Tigra. how time flies! wasn't it just long ago that Hank was boinking Tigra? wait, that was Skrull-Hank. i mean, wasn't it long ago that young Tigra was hanging out in the WCA? actually that had no bearing whatsoever. other comments:

• Speedball. DJ. "Take My Breath Away". awesome. (double awesome for Young MC. i hope it was "Bust A Move".)
• the gym where the prom was held was probably a self-repairing one, because with at least three altercations occurring during the dance, the punch bowl seems to refill itself.
• this is the only time Mettle (why did they design him to look like Johann Schmidt? why??) can boast of breaking Iron Man.
• Justice - Firestar = me sad. me love Kurt Busiek Avengers run.
• in a team, there should be a maximum of ONE character with "BALL" in his codename. Hardball and Speedball, duke it out in the corner. 
• there should be more interaction between Marvel characters ("Marvel Team Up", anyone?). example, Striker and Hellion could meet up and out-jackass each other.
• did they design adult Reptil to look like Humberto Ramos? because uh, his name is Humberto? (i love me some Humberto Ramos!)
• Katy Perry+prom = "Firework". what, no "Peacock"?? aw, c'mon!
• finally, Real Hank + Tigra = sexytimes.
• apropos to above, Jocasta may have something to say about that. and that word may be "Ultron".

story A-
art B+

scaredy cats

drive-by readings

Avengers Academy #3 (Marvel) "Scared Straight Part 1: Boyfriend In A Coma" Christos N. Gage Mike McKone Andrew Hennessy Jeromy Cox Joe Caramagna

what we learned: story title notwithstanding (somebody still likes Morrissey), it only pertains to a few pages, where like Rogue put first love Cody in a coma, rich princess Hazmat (Jenny) puts boyfriend Greg in a hazardous chemical situation, which brings us to today where she wants her can't-touch-anyone situation rectified, even if it means killing Norman Osborn to get the answer. good thing, they're visiting The Raft. which is fun, because all the current Thunderbolts are currently displaying positive reinforcement attitude for impressionable kids.
oh shit moment: as much you may be shocked to know that Speedball (nee Penance, nee Speedball) is still cutting himself, my preferred moment is just when Valkyrie's about to reveal to the girl students what sort of device mortal craftsmen have made for satisfaction of the female urges without turning to a male, Tigra (yeah, the poster child for healthy sexual behavior) cuts into our fun. boooooooooo!
what's next: go get Thunderbolts #147 for another POV of what really happened here. and did they get the truth out of Osborn?

good thing Danny's rich, 'cause this could be an expensive sexual harassment case. oh, wait ...

snaps: Avengers - The Initiative #34

... where eyes are finally opened, friendships are renewed and broken, and the New Warriors reunite! no, really. and pompous Taskmaster is taken to ...task (hey, wasn't he hired by the good guys once?). the issue focuses mostly on the Initiative guys until the latter part where they switch to Asgard only because we need to see Taskmaster get taken down (or not). and lest we forget that ex-Cap gal pal Diamondback is indeed an Initiative member (but as a spy, natch!), this is the part where she loses it when she sees her blond stud ex alive and well. well, poor Constrictor.

hey, here's a thought: what IF Dwayne wasn't in heaven??


look who's calling the kettle black, Mister Former-D-Lister. (you're still a D-Lister to me, brah)


Cap giving it to the castle grey skull.


Frank can forget about tapping that ass. and Rachel apparently forgot about Agent 13.


so is he gonna go back to being Speedball now? is he? is he? considering he's sort of directly responsible for all of these 7 years ago?

heckling from the peanut gallery, part 3

the call to assemble has gone out again, and we the people, the huddled masses of collateral damage from the disassembling, house of m-ing, civil warring, planet hulking, secret invading, and dark reigning, exercise our right to yell our opinion from the streets, as is our democratic right. first, we first gave the regular Avengers a piece of our minds, then it was the New Avengers' turn. now, step up, kids from Avengers Academy, and let's take a gander at ya.



"aren't you that weird Paper Doll chick that fought Spider-Man?"
"how long are you gonna live? will you make it till graduation?"
"say, can you wrap these gifts for me? i'd appreciate it, thanks!"



"think yer pretty clever, aintcha?"
"i think you should meet Santo from those new X-kids in Utopia. he's just like you."
"say, can you provide the lighting for my gig/dance party this weekend? thanks!"



"is Komodo from the Initiative your sister? how about the Lizard? Killer Croc?"
"those claws sure would annoy the heck out of people when used against a blackboard."
"but might the future hurt you?"
"how do you eat at a Chinese restaurant?"



"oh yeah? so you can pee standing up better than me?"
"you sure you're not that Jackpot chick?"
"hey, did Mockingbird give you those battle staves?"



"gaaaaahhhh!! its the Red Skull! run!!!"
"respect? can you settle for fear? 'cause you're scary, mister."
"why Fortress? because no one can get inside you? how about air?"



"aren't you supposed to be the one who's not gonna live long?"
"yeah i mean, did you watch The Hurt Locker? well, its not nuke or chemical materials but hey, you get the idea ..."
"wow, a positive reactive power - that's cool. i guess you'll be sitting around most of the time."

what's the odds that these kids will be collateral damage and die within a year or two? and will Kang be their first test? what happens to the Young Avengers?

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images from Marvel.com

well, since DC is going retro anyway ...

... why not turn back the clock on the WildStorm universe as well?



does this mean we'll have another Grifter-Zealot-Spartan love triangle? wooohoooooo!!!

snaps: Mighty Avengers #31

... where a good ol' time is had by all Avengers, Young and Mighty.

1) yep, its the founding Avenger whose also-founding-Avenger wife you boinked. YOU'RE in trouble now.


2) is that your way of atoning? hitting on the guy? (whoooops, did i say "hit"? sorry, Hank.)


3) how does he know? well, well, well ... let's just say it involves carnal knowledge.


4) Ban Luck is Good Luck for USAgent, Ugly American.


5) i'm a driver, not a fighter. wait, i do both!


6) whoa, whoa ... wasn't that Green Arrow and the Ray Palmer Atom?!?


7) well, next time you can call yourselves the "Masters of the Evil Brotherhood". sounds like a Broadway show.


8) for the fastest guy in the room, he's sure sloooooooow on the uptake. how many times he's pulled this kind of shit already?

drive-by readings: House of M: Masters of Evil #1

House of M: Masters of Evil #1 (Marvel) "Chapter 1: This Thing of Ours" Christos N. Gage Manuel Garcia Jesse Delperdang Nathan Fairbairn Dave Sharpe Mike Perkins/Guru eFX (cover)

do we really need more House of M spinoffs? four years after the fact, we still have Bendis' 2005 puppy yapping at us, and Bendis doesn't even own it anymore. this time, we have the evil anti-Dr. Strange Parker Robbins (commonly known as the Hood), putting together all the supervillains who want to make the easy buck (where did i read that before?). this reads so much like the current storylines, except they're up against the mutant majority, and i don't really see this heading anywhere except the morgue. just to keep you interested: Wolverine guest stars next issue. of course, this will be the Wolverine before he remembers anything so expect hacking and slashing.

what John Connor may not realize ...

... is that maybe robots will evolve into having human emotions too. kinda like the Cylons without the pretense of using human facades.

there is some sort of god

welcome back, Chuckles! thank you for shedding the fat!!



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G.I. Joe: Cobra #1

who said what?

coordination can be a bitch.

just ask Tom Breevort, Bill Rosemann, or Brian Michael Bendis.

so what really happens when ex-S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury (preparing an underground secret strike force against the Skrull invasion for years now) and Thunderbolts head Norman Osborn (otherwise known as the psychotic Green Goblin and chief of America's super secret police) bump into each other during the final battle between Earth's heroes/villains and the Skrulls?

unless they repeated this scene a second time, with Osborn holding a different gun each time. anybody angling for a No-Prize? what, they don't give those out anymore??


yeah, Osborn's going to be the next major crossover villain after next summer's War of Kings.
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Secret Invasion #7, Thunderbolts #125

gore '08

really, Dan Slott? the title of your latest Avengers: The Initiative installment is:



?

do the kids know this? especially since on the cover, it says Rated T+.

well, i guess kids today know a lot more than we give them credit for (the Internet, a huge playground for lawlessness and sin, which is why the damn corporations want you to pay thru the nose for the privilege of playing in the sandbox). maybe that's what the plus sign means (Teens Who Know A Lot More Than Their Parents Think).

plus this issue is chockful of violence and gore that wouldn't be out of place in the latest torture porn films (thank you, Splat Pack).

of course, noted tightass Delroy Garrett would be squeamish.








but really ... Skrull *#@%ers?? a few clicks on Google and the kids would know the origin of the word.




somewhere out there Joe Quesada is laughing.


just for myself, an entertaining read with great art by Stefano Caselli, who keeps improving as he goes along.
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Avengers: The Initiative #16

how green is your planet

World War Hulk sightings:

too many insects

Humbug is now more-than-half-bug, less-than-half-human. he thinks his mission is to make this world safe for his insect friends, hence he has to wipe out this new alien infestation. trouble is, his pals are overmatched against the Hulk's pals. much worse, the Queen Brood seems to have Humbug's number, including his secret blog. lest you think this is dragging on for far too long, next month is the one you've been waiting for!

Dugan talks to objects

after the beatdown T-Stark got from the Jolly Green Giant, S.H.I.E.L.D. is in almost total disarray. where's that bulldyke Maria Hill now?? anyway, Tony manages to give instructions to loyal service guy Dum Dum Dugan via his Extremis shit on one final Hulk-beating solution, but it involves lot of collateral damage.

the friend of my friend is my enemy

Rick Jones vs Miek! or not. this one is more of a philosophical battle and not much of a physical one (guess who wins! let's just say we all hope the Miek shall not inherit the earth, heh heh). those who wanted a lot more punch in their funny books best just skipped to the next one below ...

the Hulk beats up old guys

with the supposedly-Hulk's-friend and most-powerful-being-ever Sentry not answering Dubya's summons to join the fray, we have to endure the geezers General Ross and Doc Strange (well, not really a geezer yet, but in terms of seniority yeah) taken down by the Hulk. but wait! don't count the Doc out ... he's bringing out the Zom.

so yeah. who else is left? we need Nick Fury here asap! or Thor! we need Thor! (too bad, Thor#1 seems to take place after these events)

-----
Incredible Hulk #108
Greg Pak, Leonard Kirk, Scott Hanna
Iron Man#20
Chris Gage, Butch Guice
World War Hulk #2
Greg Pak, John Romita Jr., Klaus Janson
Heroes For Hire #12
Zeb Wells, Clay Mann, Terry Pallot

upstate rumble

like the Kool Aid guy said ...
"ooooooohhhh yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"


each Wolverine/Hulk throwdown is an eagerly-awaited event. of course, there has been no conclusive evidence of a clear winner everytime, that's why rematches are always in order. with the Hulk confronting Prof. Xavier (and the X-Men), Chris Gage whets the primal fanboy urge for mayhem and may also have written canon.

it is convenient that all the X-Men are there at the mansion when the Hulk arrives, and not off fighting the Marauders (hey, that's supposed to be happening around this time too) or some alien invasion.


despite the slant of the pics above, our favorite mutants only delay the inevitable, as there's no stopping Jade Jaws. even Colossus becomes nothing more than a tin man/can.


this would've been avoided if Cyclops just followed Xavier's order to stand down (yeah, like that's gonna happen). instead we have injured X-Men all over the place (this would be a perfect time to attack, Sinister!). a telepathic distress call is placed to other X-teams, and even the Juggernaut re-sells his soul for the price to kick ass.


like that helped him too.



and what about Wolverine? let's say he just missed the Cinco De Mayo celebrations this year, and the Hulk just offered him the role of being a piñata. wait, he actually didn't offer.



more mayhem next month, as the second-tier teams get into the act. the wait could actually turn you green with rage.

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World War Hulk: X-Men #2
Chris Gage/Andrea DiVito

mean green machine

this summer's big top event, World War Hulk, comes to Westchester!

the Hulk wants an audience with Professior Xavier, who was interestingly absent, when they sent Hulk to outer space. as is with costumed super types, there has to be some fighting first.

after the New X-Men's asses get handed to them, the senior team comes to the rescue. we're tired of waiting for the resumption of the Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk series, that we're glad we are treated to this:

too bad, because that's as far as it goes, and Prof. X shows up for his appointment. if he arrived a few minutes earlier, there'd be less broken bones and hurt feelings.

now the big question is ...

remember when you used to slap your bald friend upside the head? who wants to put down bets on which state while Chuck end up? Florida? Louisiana? Illinois? Arkansas? Texas, do i hear Texas?

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World War Hulk: X-Men #1
Christos N. Gage/Andrea DiVito