we're not worthy

... because some other people have been chosen, not us.

er... how is Juggy, i mean "Kuurth" (is that like Steve Kurth, or Kurse as pronounced by a someone with a lisp?) going to see out of his helmet, if the holes are kind of nowhere near his eyes? that probably explains why the Juggernaut kept breaking things, because he can't see where the hell he's going!

oh, and he can't break anything metal now, can he?

Fraction should have just called Hulk "Nul, Breaker of Scripts and Programming Code" but i digress. why invent new villains when we can just co-opt Marvel's powerhouses and make them mind-controlled baddies eh? if you have a breaker of worlds, then why would you need the other six?

i guess the letter N made her new nickname much tougher-sounding rather than a T ("Skirt"). and i heard in the original script it was written as "Skirn, Breaker of Balls", but then Editorial got into the picture. anyhoo, Titania seems destined to break the male populace, but would that include her longtime daddy-o, Crusher Creel a.k.a. The Absorbing Douchebag? apparently Creel would also be having a hammer of his own, and he will be dubbed "Crul, Breaker of Chicks".

is that Attuma, or is that Attuma? and why is he breaking oil pipelines? shouldn't he be breaking fiber optic cables so as to disrupt Internet service globally, hence sending about half of its denizens into a frenzy because they couldn't Tweet or update their Facebook pages? i tell you, online deprivation is a huge FEAR!!! hah!!!

Fear Itself #2 unveils a bunch of "The All Father's" stooges, and indescribably puts the world under attack so quickly that the Avengers seem overwhelmed or unprepared. we all know the Asgardians just up and left (i think Odin's still hiding something - "The All Father" is his evil doppelganger?), but seem to think that the best option is literally a scorched Earth policy. the story still seems too fantastical at the moment (shades of Fraction's World Tree storyline over in Thor) and not too grounded like earlier Marvel events. i love Immonen's art (with longtime inking partner Wade Von Grawbadger) in NextWave, and here he's kind of switched up to serious mode. 5 issues to go, and hopefully, there's more meat and potatoes next ish.

you know who's going to save the day, right? right??

The Man Without Fear. Hal Jordan.

let the light shine in

drive-by readings

New Avengers #4 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade Von Grawbadger Laura Martin Chris Eliopoulos

what we learned: the magic men can't hazard a guess as to who's been trying to stage another Inferno show in New York, where our other Avengers (oh, hi there, Jewel!) have their hands full swatting demons left and right. until the sky spits out Danny, and the first thing he does is ...
oh shit moment: ... give Dr. Strange an iron fist, minus the iron. hey, nice duds, Danny?
what's next: we've known of that thing for years, but who really owns the Eye of Agamotto? Agamotto, of course. duh.


i bet Strange never got sucker punched by Clea or the Night Nurse like that.

mystic pizzazz

drive-by readings

New Avengers #3 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade Von Grawbadger Laura Martin Chris Eliopoulos

what we learned: this is actually a fun book even if its just for Stuart Immonen's tight cartoony style. Iron Fist is transported by the possessing demon somewhere else, while his teammates deal with the sky breaking open with more demons pouring out. the magic boys retreat to figure who's big enough to take them all on. Victoria, meanwhile, decides to lend a Hand.
oh shit moment: eh? is that the Ancient One?
what's next: do we need to call in Zatanna or something?


ummm, not this one.

snaps: New Avengers #1

... where we see the formerly on-the-run-from-the-law new Avengers finally become official Avengers again, but that even includes Hawkeye, Wolverine and Spidey, who's in the main Avengers book. this is headlined by Luke Cage, but he's supposed to be Thunderbolting. and Ben Grimm gets to freelance. oh drat. who else is NOT an Avenger?? (hint: me)

NOW LOOK WHO'S BROKE.


Danny Rand keeps money in his belt. take note of that, muggers!!!


Strange: "why do you have America's Best Comics logo on your chest, Hellstrom?"


the off switch is found in the Arid Badlands inside Sledge's lair.


yeah, screw you! Norman Osborn partied EVERY. DAY. she was not just Saturday night's!!


and who is paying for (and preparing) this spread??

plastic fantastic

.... or bloated botoxified face. i know you have an image to keep, but i don't know, Cap.

-----
New Avengers #64

drive-by readings: New Avengers #55

New Avengers #55 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade von Grawbadger Dave McCaig Albert Deschesne

maybe it's just me, but i've been largely a fan of Bendis' work. jumping from (excellent) to Daredevil (excellent) to Avengers Disassembled to House of M to Secret Invasion and now, Dark Reign, i mean the man has the Marvel U in the palm of his hand, just like the X Universe resided in Bob Harras' head during his heyday. and all these stories that can be told, all the rich tapestry of characters in the 616 that you can tap into - its mind-boggling just to string them all together and make them react to the new world around them, instead of taking the easy way out and inventing new characters and gloss over what the existing ones might do. purists might still find continuity glitches somewhere but you can't deny the ambitiousness of remaking the Marvel world as we know it. this is why Norman Osborn is on top, the villains have taken the reins, and Tony Stark is out there clean shaven and penniless. this is why Spider-Man and Hawkeye have to argue about whether to kill or not. and who would think D-listers like Chemistro and Jonas Harrow would have what it takes to smartly take down the (not-Dark) Avengers? by the way, Ms. Marvel/Carol Danvers is alive and well here so those who are reading her proper title, its kinda bit late. now, if i had a bone to pick with Bendis, i'd ask him: where's the one guy that could totally sway power to either side? where's Owen Reece? did i miss him somewhere in your master plan?

screen capture, part 2

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies!

as noted in part 1, there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. theatres worldwide should be flooded at the amount of piss the geeks and nerds would be producing, once they watch these films.


8. ULTRON UNLIMITED
Kurt Busiek/George Perez/Stuart Immonen/Al Vey/Wade Von Grawbadger (Marvel)

before this movie would even be made, the Avengers need to be formed. assuming that's been the case, we can dive right in on the action - Ultron, a sentient robot based on the brain patterns of founding member Hank Pym, decides to replace the human race with the non-human high tech kind. possibly some flashbacks need to be written into the story to explain how Ultron was created and he went nuts. also, the Avengers have beefed up their roster with a few established heroes (the Black Panther, Vision, the Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man) and a couple of rookies in Firestar and Justice.

Ultron invades some Balkan country and completely wipes it off the map. this is Alderaan scale. the Avengers go right in and get their asses handed to them, until an injured Justice provides the key that saves the day. Michael Bay would work wonders with this.

casting call:

Captain America? helloooooooooo ... Brad Pitt?


Iron Man? another big helloooooooooooooooooooo?


Thor? John Cena is a Thunder God!


the fashionista Wasp? let's hear for regular geek Natalie Portman.

conflicted but spineless wife-beating genius Hank Pym? Thomas Haden Church. yeah, i know he's got 20 years on Portman, but they're actors, they can do this.

the synthozoid Vision is mostly CGI. but it will be based on Keanu Reeves, who plays brooding, mysterious, charismatic yet wooden characters. plus, his agent will find yet another way to land him this plum robotic role.

the Scarlet Witch, whom we all know would go crazy at some point, will be played by smoldering queen Lena Headey.

read my lips. the Witch is f****n' Matt Damon, the Wonder Man.


who else would we want as a Firestarter but Bryce Dallas Howard?


young telekinetic mutie Justice? ThunderJake Gyllenhooooooooooo!


the regal Black Panther? why, no less than Chiwetel Ejiofor.


good ol' butler Jarvis? Bob Hoskins


sicko and cowardly Williams brother Grim Reaper? make a toupee for Christopher Meloni!

geek goosebump moment: when the Avengers, battered yet unbowed, burst through a wall, and Thor snarls: "Ultron ... we would have words with thee!" Cena better nail this good.