Avengers 12.1 (a quick read)

oy! when did Hawkman join the Avengers???

a bookend to Brian Michael Bendis' relaunched Avengers run (because really, Twittergate notwithstanding, who knows what the man wants to do next? he's becoming a multimedia giant now), the Avengers find themselves cleaning up after old enemies, and running into an even older one that doesn't seem to know when its time is up.

is that War Machine or his cardboard cutout or Iron Man's hologram reflection?

the ballbuster pays a visit to our assembled heroes (i swear to God, this is the one thing they should have done a long time ago before Bendis, but it took them several long years to setup, what with the crossover stories they concocted up along the way - and it was all worth it, seeing everyone under the Avengers banner, even Banner). Jessica Drew, Agent of S.W.O.R.D., disappears during one of her alien-hunting jobs and now Agent Brand has to involve the whole team (just like she did with X-Men with Breakworld - twice). wah-wah-wah. and nobody informed Steve Rogers of her agency?? yeah, they were all busy. i'd be pissed too.

"and i am boinking her. also."

long story short, Jessica runs into an alien armor (it gave me hope that it would be a three-letter word - but it turned out to be six); however, the location is also where the sad-sack bunch of super-nerds, the Intelligencia (last seen being mopped on the floor in the pages of Hulk) are hiding. so what do a bunch of super-nerds do when they see a woman? why, undress her of course!!

i believe she did shave prior to going out on a mission.

Steve sends out selected personnel to find the missing Jessica. Iron Man would be there of course. and Thor. Beast. Wolverine (for tracking). and Space Ghost Penis, the Great Protector. Iron Man, in particular, trying his rein in his smugness after doing the noble thing of "wishing the Infinity Gems out of existence" (hah! tell that to Steve - oh, you did??), still fails miserably.

yes, Tony ... you are.

the Intelligencia tries to get info out of their naked lady prisoner, at the same time trying to figure out what that alien armor is all about. but before they can even reveal their plans to Jessica (yeah, Bendis - that was heeee-la-rious) ...

... our heroes burst in and save the day. Wolverine though, for all his posturing, doesn't even get to lay a claw on anyone. Best There Is, my ass.

can someone tell me where Thor put his cape?

so, all's well that ends well, right? no, not really, because all the poking around by D-list Iron Man villain Red Ghost results in the armor gaining sentience, and revealing itself to be ... Henry Pym's SON! (yeah, again.)

of course, that's a battle for the future. Iron Man himself said so. he knows! he's seen the future! (except Planet Hulk, Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, Siege ...)

what the hell happened to Hank's head? headshrinker!!

the Point One issues were aimed to be a nice jumping point for new readers, and they've succeeded largely to a degree. they even provide entertainment for us older fans, hence blog posts like these. if i have a complaint, its the frightening devolution of Bryan Hitch's art. he's known for ultra-detailed widescreen action splash pages, but in recent years, that's been a painful thing to see. to get his best work, it should not be under a tight deadline. oh dear.

life is never fair

in Psylocke #3, we finally learn Matsu'o Tsurayaba's secret - he's become Mason Verger. what, all that Hand money and they didn't even bother to fix you up?? i suggest place a call to 1-800-DAREDEVL.

and who is responsible for this dastardly deed?

Daken gets to chop up Frank Castle, while Wolverine only skewers a former D, now Z list villain. we'd all love to see Logan slice and dice Norman Osborn, but that would be too easy now, wouldn't it, Marvel?

basically, what this shows is that Wolverine may be excellent in killing foot soldiers, run-of-the-mill ninjas and expendable aliens, but not any of the upper-tier supervillains. it took him like a hundred years before he killed Sabretooth. and he even whiffed on Mystique.

always be covering

unspoken subtext: "try not to disappear again, because if this Emma thing doesn't work out, we can, y'know ... continue what we started way back in the '90s. i know you weren't yourself then ... but hey, you looked good then. and you look good now."


-----
Psylocke #1

flagging spirit

recently, we had this news bit where Facebook got caught in a bind trying to categorize accurately where specific users lived. disputed territories became diplomatic minefields in social networks. who da thunk?

one solution to this problem brings me back to my childhood.

what or who could make Captain America this angry?


why, this idiot, of course.

said idiot calls himself Flag-Smasher (try saying his name 50 times in one minute, and he might just appear behind your back). his beef is that he hates any kind of nationalistic identity, and wants the world to operate as one country. if he were a stand-up comic, he might say he wants to put the "o" back in "country".

anyhoo, lame-ass name aside, he did start doing literally what his codename was, smashing flags in the U.N. Plaza, and crashing Cap's press con to promote his 1-800-HELP-ME-NOW rescue number. being humiliated in public with one jaw-breaking punch, Flag-Smasher (not sure how he got out of jail) led his organization ULTIMATUM (understand that he's serious with this shit - he spent three weeks thinking about that name!) in hijacking a commercial jet, forcing Cap had to break his principles (only Bucky killed in WW2, remember?) and gunning down a hijacker to save the hostages. check out the original Mike Zeck badass cover - Captain America, Uzis, Cold War, '80s ... awesome!

of course, Steve Rogers being Steve Rogers, when thrust into a situation that their survival preceded philosophical differences, he chooses to save Flag-Smasher's life, despite knowing the latter won't reciprocate if the situation were reversed. plus, they even had a nice little ... tender moment.

according to Wikipedia, Flag-Smasher ended up a ruler of his own country Rumekistan (pop. 1) - oh, the irony - before being assassinated by his own shadow due to boredom. no, it was the X-Men who did it. the same X-Men who now have their own Utopia.

co-created by the late great Mark Gruenwald and Paul Neary, Flag-Smasher, Swiss-born, pink-visored, serious gay visionary, will always remain a source of infantile derision and humor among Captain America fans forever.

-----
Captain America vol. 1, #312, 321-22

screen capture, part 4

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies!

i want the movie industry to make films for us geeks. there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. some of them may need an origin movie first, but either way, this is a fantasy casting call for my favorite TPBs.

check out the previous posts:
10. Invincible
9. Empire
8. Ultron Unlimited
7. The Authority: Circle
6. Superman: Red Son


5. JLA: THE MARTIAN TRILOGY

This one needs to be done Lord of the Rings style, with all the details and battles rendered faithfully. there's some leeway in which Green Lantern character would be used (Kyle, John or Hal). otherwise, these are some the greatest Justice League adventures ever and translating them to the big screen should be an event. no, three huge events!

NEW WORLD ORDER
Grant Morrison/Howard Porter/John Dell

excuse Superman's long hair. this was written way back in the 90s, when Grant Morrison's excellent reboot made the League relevant again. it actually starts in a world without one - the tricky part now is whether intro movies need to be made for each individual character that still don't have theirs (a-la the much-teased about Avengers), before this impromptu team up bring them all together.

several superpowered beings land on Earth, call themselves the Hyperclan, and they start going out of their way to help the planet - ending wars, starvation, disease - you name it. they probably even offed annoying celebrities (that means you, Oprah, Paris etc.). but oh, they have a hidden agenda. they're White Martians you see, and they're just as powerful as Superman or J'onn J'onnz, their closest relative. Earth needs its heroes. ASAP.

casting call:
Superman - in Red Son, i called Ben Affleck to don the cape. unless anyone has a better idea, he's the one.


Wonder Woman - okay, i had a brain-freeze earlier. don't kill me, Brangelina fans. i am rectifying my error by humbly submitting Saint Angelina to be the Amazon Goddess. hey, i was just waiting for her to give birth!!!


Batman - DUH.


Flash - i always thought of Paul Walker getting the Wally West role. brash, smart with a sense of heroism.

Green Lantern - given the complications of the character, we probably need to introduce the Corps in an individual GL movie before introducing the League. continuity can be a bitch, so who are we picking - Kyle Rayner (Chris Evans)? Hal Jordan (Dominic West)? or John Stewart (Common)? i love Hal and Kyle, but my money's on John.

Aquaman/Arthur Curry/Orin - who else can be regal and an asshole except the Bean ... Sean Bean.


J'onn J'onzz/The Martian Manhunter - hey, Vinnie, you up for this? you'll look so much better in green paint than you did in Juggernaut armor.


Protex/Armek/Primaid/Zenturion/Fluxus/Zum/Tronix/A-Mortal - all CGI!



geek goosebump moment:


but please, not in that low gravelly voice, Mr. Bale!

TERROR INCOGNITA
Mark Waid/Bryan Hitch/Paul Neary/Mike Miller/Dave Meikis

you think you can keep those pesky White Martians in the Negative Zone for so long, didja? well, someone has to think up of something how they escape - being freed by the cosmic force Id as depicted in the running JLA series is continuity-dependent and won't work here.

anyway, Terror Incognita has many memorable battles - never did we love shapeshifting so much (eat that, Skrulls!), and it includes one with Krypto, the Wonder Mutt! the League saves the day again and this involves the second time they blatantly disregard physical science by moving the moon (as for the first time, that's also a great yarn. email me about it if you'd like to know more).

additional casting call:

Plastic Man - there's only one person born to do this. yes, imagine Jenny McCarthy's ecstasy if he really was Plas.

Nightwing - its only a cameo, but it hints at ... the Titans! let's just make him a silhouette for the only scene he's in.


Firestorm - Ronnie Raymond will be played by the everyone's boy next door, Josh Hartnett.



geek goosebump moment:

the League finalize their ambitious plans to defeat the White Martians again, and Superman calls them out, giving them five minutes. the villains only needed five seconds. careful what you wish for.

TRIAL BY FIRE
Joe Kelly/Doug Mahnke/Tom Nguyen

a new JLA team goes up against a very old enemy - even the immortal Vandal Savage ran into this one back when we were still intelligible. the Martian Manhunter conquers his fear of fire, and in doing so, frees his own Id, Fernus, who's destined to burn the world. he totally spanks the Justice League until Batman un-retires Plastic Man and wins the day.

additional casting call:

Fernus/the Burning - can we still grab James Earl Jones to voice him? on second thought, it might not be a good idea ("never underestimate the power of the Flame.").

Atom/Dr. Ray Palmer - who plays a swashbuckling (yet nerdy-looking) adventurer better than Brendan Fraser?

Faith - well, let's have Mandy Moore expand her range, shall we?


Major Disaster, you're looking at The Rock.


Scorch - J'onn's one-time hot lover has Fairuza Balk written all over her.


Manitou Raven - i've been tossing the usual suspects - Lou Diamond Phillips, Jimmy Smits, Kevin Costner, Wes Studi, but i ended up with Benjamin Bratt.


Dawn - Q'Orianka Kilcher - sorry for typecasting, but who did you think i'd cast - Katherine Heigl? Meryl Streep?


Luke, son of Plastic Man - to be played by Two and a Half Men's (free plug!) Angus T. Jones.


Ganthet, should be a CGI Yoda minus the Yoda voice. is Mark Hamill available?


Vandal Savage should played by no other than the actor's actor, Kenneth Branagh. he's so worldly.



geek goosebump moment:

and i hope Ben Affleck (or whoever's playing Superman) can do this with authority (sorry, Brandon Routh, you just can't cut it).