semi-kind of victory

drive-by readings

Thor #614 (Marvel) "The Fine Print Part 4" Kieron Gillen Doug Braithwaite John Rauch Andy Troy June Chung Joe Sabino Mico Suayan/Laura Martin (cover)

what we learned: Loki's treachery is revealed! Thor realizes the breadth and width of his half-brother's machinations, and with Loki not in Hel's books, he'll have a devil of a time putting him down next time. well, no one's going to learn from this anyway. soon, they'll be back welcoming him with open arms and mugfuls of mead.
oh shit moment: Thor stabbing Kelda (relax, its because Loki put malware in her to break the Asgardians' morale and as an added bonus, assassinate Balder). also when Thor gets the Eir-Gram free and cuts down the Disir - that's mythic.
what's next: get ready for more action, 'cause here comes Matt Fraction!


sometimes, just sometimes, you still need violence against women.

you happy puppets

drive-by readings

Deadpool Team-Up #890 (Marvel) James Asmus Micah Gunnell Rob Stull John Rauch Jeff Eckleberry Humberto Ramos/Edgar Delgado (cover)

what we learned: insurance salesman Machine Man (ahaha) stakes a claim to Deadpool for all the property damage he's caused through the years (ahahaha). however, same insurance company is currently held hostaged by disenfranchised customer Puppet Master, who has an axe to grind (or clay to mold) because of greedy corporate executives.
oh shit moment: Puppet Master ends up getting tossed outside the window, which eerily mirrors how the damn fat cats think about us common Joes.
what's next: hey, editor: several words that rhyme with Gorilla: Sarsaparilla, Pancho Villa, Umbrella.


yes, Mr. Masters, just like yours.

the devilish details

drive-by readings

Thor #612 (Marvel) "The Fine Print Part 2" Kieron Gillen Doug Braithwaite John Rauch Andy Troy Joe Sabino Mico Suayan/Laura Martin (cover)

what we learned: Thor and Tyr descend into Hela's (rented) realm to find out that they would need the Eir-Gram blade to control the Disir, and the blade has been placed in Mephisto's Hell. someone has to get it, and Tyr's not feeling up to the task (unmanly!). so, looks like Odin's favorite son is coming for the pickup.
oh shit moment: face-off between Thor and Mephisto. Thor just playing the grim-lipped god and holding back his anger. priceless.
what's next: will Thor ever know of Loki's deal with Mephisto? i want the Thunder God to beat it out of the devil.


"a simple request, Asgardian ... free tickets to your movie next year?"

snaps: Mighty Avengers #36

... where we stands as witness to awesomeness of Henry Pym, progenitor of mass-murdering robot Ultron (hey, we all thought his shining moment was beating the tin can to a pulp in Ultron Unlimited, but apparently that wasn't a permanent fix. booooooo.). now that he's been dubbed Scientist Supreme, how unhinged would he get if they prick his ego again? my bet is he'll interface with his evil "son" and really become "Ultron Pym" (that's the kind of name that begets playground beatings and wedgies).



"noooo .... i don't wanna be an Ant!!!"



that's a gay ass thing to say, especially being slapped by a girl. granted, the girl is a robot, but still ...


hey, Steve Jobs, lookit!! his Gameboy can make INTERNATIONAL calls!


oh shut it. Ultron Pym, pffshhh. we liked you better when you were mowing down some obscure fictitious Europeans (which I am surprised, there wasn't like a bunch of Slorenian survivors dedicating themselves to assassinating your dad, for birthing you, dipshit.)


hey, hey, hey!!! that's not allowed under US law!! oh, what - you're in Underspace? screw that, the whole thing was invented by an American citizen!

snaps: Mighty Avengers #35

... where we find another chapter in the most famous father/son feud since Oedipus and King Laius. or whoever you think that is. anyway, i thought we saw the end of this back in the Busiek Avengers run, but Ultron came back right in the very first issue of this series, went to outer space to cause trouble, and bookends the whole thing with one more jam. and for once, i kinda agree with the robot, because Hank Pym is getting creepier by the minute. by 2020, he's going to be arrested for consensual sex with a minor cyborg.

shocking the uptight Brits, you draw your own conclusions about those "upgrades".


and i cannot wait to reformat you in person!


HAH! Jocasta beat y'all to that!!! (at least in Pym's dreams)


oh, i forgot - there are two sickos on this team!


and that is why you always lose, you bag of circuits.


ok, symbolism alert! either they'll end up married or Jocasta goes evil with jealousy and uses this 'dimensional wave device' against the Avengers in next summer's crossover.

coming soon: Lego X-Men

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Nation X #3

snaps: Mighty Avengers #33

... where Loki's puppet show is not only a Broadway hit, but the puppetmaster is himself revealed! through Hank Goddammit-He's-Not-The-Wasp Pym's trendy goggles, natch! one thing i don't get, is why they're still playing by Norman Osborn's rules, when they know the score. sure they're not the "New Avengers" but they also 'unsanctioned' and skulk around in Pym pockets.

"well, if you weren't busy banging Titania, we would've ..."


no, my esteemed US Agent, you, sir, are a Sheboygan sausage.


oh, look, its the gay Iron Lad! Billy Elliott would love to have lunch with you.


reality-punched? apparently, she never heard of Jersey Shore.


oi!! Wolverine and Colossus want their license fees asap.


....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here we go again.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #32

... where the Mighty Avengers embark on just one more adventure before they fall into Siege. and they have to work with the Dark Avengers to defeat one Crusher Creel, manipulated by Loki to mess up the world and push Norman Osborn to the brink. i swear to God, no villain ever gets permanently defeated in the Marvel U.

1) Norman, Norman ... when the man's doing his business in the john, you have no right to make him follow your commands.



2) coming in 2011, the House of M Reloaded!!



3) big deal. if he used that with a first gen/Mac-only iPod, or a Creative Zen circa 2001, i'd be really impressed.


4) someone just attained Plantation Sensation in FarmVille!


5) ok, two things here:
one, the Sentry can also fucking do anything (see Dark Avengers #12, subject of later post) so why is he whining?
two, if the Avengers excel in fighting anyone who can do anything, does that mean they only do great in fighting, but never actually defeating those kinds of opponents?

all in all, the Mighty Avengers under Dan Slott is hitting its stride, if only for the back-and-forth banter between "Pym's rejects" and Earth's Scientist Supreme (chortles) himself.

snaps: New Mutants #7

... where its back to high school for the original New Mutants, with a lot more bitching, yelling, demons, zombies, rivalries, and decapitation.

1) and don't forget Saddam was his boyfriend! (what? am sure she watches South Park!!)


2) hey, Jetstream! do you want it whole, skim, 2% or half-and-half?


3) hmmm. the 'exclamation mark' could also denote a remark line. which basically means none of your 'actions' would be executed.


4) ah, DougLock. always the best of friends.


5) Bobby learned from Bernard Pollard. yup, he did.


6) the correct answer to that is: DUH.

snaps: Mighty Avengers #31

... where a good ol' time is had by all Avengers, Young and Mighty.

1) yep, its the founding Avenger whose also-founding-Avenger wife you boinked. YOU'RE in trouble now.


2) is that your way of atoning? hitting on the guy? (whoooops, did i say "hit"? sorry, Hank.)


3) how does he know? well, well, well ... let's just say it involves carnal knowledge.


4) Ban Luck is Good Luck for USAgent, Ugly American.


5) i'm a driver, not a fighter. wait, i do both!


6) whoa, whoa ... wasn't that Green Arrow and the Ray Palmer Atom?!?


7) well, next time you can call yourselves the "Masters of the Evil Brotherhood". sounds like a Broadway show.


8) for the fastest guy in the room, he's sure sloooooooow on the uptake. how many times he's pulled this kind of shit already?

Fury's 11

drive-by readings

Dark Reign - The List: Secret Warriors one shot (Marvel) "Leviathan" Jonathan Hickman Ed McGuinness Chris Sotomayor Dave Lanphear Tom Palmer McGuinness/Dexter Vines/John Rauch (cover)

should we still call them "Secret Warriors"? Nick Fury practically operates in the open these days (to the chagrin of Contessa LaFontaine), and he has two teams already at his disposal - his Warriors, and the reborn/reconstructed Howling Commandos. all he needs is a YouTube channel and a Twitter page.

so breaking in Avengers tower (with some help from Ares - what, is he another Fury plant, that kind of trick that beats us over our head with "hey-am-20-steps-ahead-of-everyone-else"? NO. we have to read Secret Warriors #9 on sale 10/28/2009. whooopeee.) and appearing in your current enemy's bedroom (creepy - why can't he just call? what if Norman had a date?), smacks of not-so-secret for me. and for what? to steal something under H.A.M.M.E.R.'s nose. that really paints that target on you, Nicky Boy.

and that something actually tells us that ... oh hey, is the Zodiac in this gig? and Nick is Gemini? oh yeah, he was, years back. 'cause his dead brother Jake was Scorpio. or is. i smell resurrection!!!!

by the way, Norman, a couple of things:

everyone seems to be penetrating the Tower these days ... change the goddamn locks. or go live on the moon.

let me just present your fandangled "list":
- neutralize Clint Barton
- eliminate Daredevil
- kill Namor
- kill Frank Castle
- kill Nick Fury
- neutralize Bruce Banner
- control the world
- kill Spider-Man

that's just 1 out of 8 so far (Barton, you hotheaded punk, you never change). Frank's probably smug he's on the list. i don't see Tony Stark in there. he's probably dead. or dumb as a rock.

only Santa has a list that works.

drive-by readings: Dark Avengers #6

Dark Avengers #6 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Mike Deodato Jr Will Conrad Rain Beredo Cory Petit Rafa Sandoval/Roger Martinez/John Rauch (variant cover)

the more i read Dark Reign, the better it gets, but that's just me. Norman Osborn looks more and more like Tommy Lee Jones, if they make a movie out of this, you'd better get him to play the role. i probably could watch a whole two hours of the Cabal and the Dark Avengers arguing and rattling sabers and exchanging punches with Osborn. that's a compliment, Mr. Bendis. well, it works because readers have a sense of history of these characters, and you know the underlying tension and where they're coming from.

Osborn is on the verge of a breakdown, putting out fires and trying to keep his array of strong-willed associates in line. despite his advantage of being a psychopath who can deal with other crazies, i expect his Green Goblin persona to pop out anytime (i bet it will be on national TV). good thing he has the increasingly-looking-like-the-Baroness Victoria Hand (Osborn's Maria Hill) to keep things under control. he gets into a tiff with Namor over some Atlantean terrorists, and the latter's refusal to do anything with it drives Osborn to send the Sentry to "kill 'em all but one". this will have ramifications down the line because Bob realizes Osborn has been stringing him along for his own ends, and not sincere about helping him deal with the Void, as Osborn promised.

although the cover seems to have nothing to do with the meat of the issue (Noh-Varr is technically missing after knocking boots with Moonstone/Karla Sofen/"Ms. Marvel"), Dark Avengers is the best among the Dark Reign titles (as it should), and should really bring back the fans who left at the end of Secret Invasion.

and now i will burn my copy of Uncanny X-Men #303

for real this time. and also that LegionQuest series.

actually, Legion's too good a villain to pass up. well, actually way too powerful, and that's probably why they killed him off the first time. why, he can make me appreciate this new series by wiping my mem-

huh? where am i? what year is this?

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New Mutants #1