drive-by readings: Amazing Spider-Man #600

Amazing Spider-Man #600 (Marvel) "Last Legs" Dan Slott John Romita Jr./Klaus Janson Dean White/Joe Caramagna Stan Lee Marcos Martin/Javier Rodriguez Mark Waid Colleen Doran/Jose Villarubia Bob Gale Mario Alberti/Jared K. Fletcher Marc Guggenheim Mitch Breitweiser/Elizabeth Breitweiser Zeb Wells Derec Donovan/Antonio Fabela

Tom Breevort had a great line about this issue: "in ASM #200, she comes back from the dead. in ASM #400 she dies. in ASM #600 she gets married. by this logic, ASM #800 will feature her prom, ASM #1000 will be her coming out party, and she'll be born in ASM #1200." milk came out of my nose. it is weird because i remember from my childhood that Aunt May was already old and crinkly and she had a heart attack every 9 issues. and she almost married Dr. Octopus. and now Peter walks in on her knocking boots with J. Jonah Jameson's pop, fer Chrissakes. this should be included in the next Spidey movie. it would be priceless to see J.K. Simmons go through the penthouse roof with all the things going on!

the venerable John Romita Jr returns to draw the 600th issue (it is also strange to describe Romita Jr as venerable, and not his dad, considering i do still remember Johnny winning the first Marvel Bullpen Bulletin Hunk of the Month), and it just seems perfect to have Doc Ock make his long-awaited comeback. it kinda puts me off that he seems to have devolved (due to numerous years of superhero-inflicted trauma - more villains should be like this!) into a wired techno baddie like the Calculator. this should be the Fixer (who's over in the Initiative). and those octobots? Minority Report stuff.

the great stuff: there's a lot going on - Peter's lovable loser persona in full bore, teaming up and wisecracking with his fellow heroes (hilarious to have Logan threatening to pop a claw in his ass if he doesn't shut up), and saving the common folk and the day (and the ladies). is Daredevil the only one who doesn't know his secret ID at this point? and if i were Doc Ock, i'd be driven nuts by the nonstop Spidey patter too. since he's about to bite the dust (yeah, sure), expect another major appearance in the next few months.

a couple more things: backup vignettes by Team Spidey (and funny fantasy covers by various superstars), the wedding itself (and the events leading up to it, of course) with JJJ feeling magnanimous for 15 minutes and performs the ceremony. and what else? oh yeah, the return of the one ... the only ... (hint: "face it, tiger, you just hit the jackpot!"). no, its not Jackpot.

c'mon guys, admit it: it was a painful shift through One More Day/Brand New Day, but Team Spidey has brought back our beloved character back to where he belongs.

blast from the past: Uncanny X-Men #7

back during the day, the X-Men were just five teenagers being trained by their bald mentor to find their way in the world (read: fight evil mutants while learning calculus and philosophy). given the dangers the formerly-esteemed Charles Xavier subjected them to, its a wonder he has not been charged with reckless endangerment. wait, he got his comeuppance already. with a sigh of relief from parents everywhere, Scott, Jean, Hank, Warren and Bobby all graduated at least. that was the last time Xavier had a full graduating class.

right on the heels of their graduation, the Prof takes his leave (what? after years - or was that mere months - molding five rambunctious kids into pillars of society, he deserved a break), and leaves the school temporarily to Scott. Scott learns of the existence of Cerebro, which Xavier actually says he has no need of *, because he's that gangsta, but it will be needed by Scott. as to why, well, our Kojak telepath had probably some inkling that the Blob would return and menace them. just to mess with his new graduates, he leaves them up to the task of stopping him as a graduation reward. jerk.

* this condescending attitude towards his machines resulted in Cerebro, and even the Danger Room, eventually gaining sentience and demanding payback. way to go, Professor!


so Scott feels a little sorry for himself, and declines an invitation to party from the other four (the caption says "early the next morning" - you think the Irish can drink? Westchester mutants rule!). he's so depressed he calls the machine "Cyberno", and just sits in Professor's room all day, waiting for the goddamned thing to beep. and then just after he slides toothpicks between his eyelids, the goddamned thing does beep.

and our intrepid Scott bursts into action! grabbing hold of his iPhone, he scrolls down the contact list, and taps on Warren's face ....

shit. wrong decade.

sign-out book? you think people tell the truth when writing where they're going? Bobby's probably said "Madame Tussaud's" but he really went to Hooters. ok, wait, they all went together. and hello, hasn't Xavier thought Jean Grey to be mind-linked to everyone? oh, that's right, he only reserves that telepathic communication between him and Jean! creepy old perv!

well, why did Cyberno, i mean, Cerebro give out an alert? well, it all started with this costumed loon visiting a carnival.

yes, Magneto is blatantly walking among the masses in a carnival. this is just after taking over the (fictitious) island nation of San Marco just awhile back. yes, nobody cares. they probably don't even know where San Marco is.

anyway, he goes and recruits the Blob - which is not among his best ideas ever, because foresight was never his strong suit anyway. previously, the Blob (the movie version never lived up to expectations) almost defeats the X-Men if not for the Professor stepping in and placing mental blocks on him to forget those events. then by a stunning sequence of coincidental events seen only in a Michael Bay movie, the blocks are jarred loose in an altercation with Magneto! what are the odds!?!

joined by their new, if reluctant-to-play-team-ball friend, Magneto gathers his "Evil Mutants" (still with the now-i-can't-think-of-them-but-incestuous Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver), and actually calls out the X-Men! he even tells them where to meet. what are they, 12 years old?

if that wasn't stupid enough, the X-Men raise the bar by flying to meet the Master of Magnetism in a helicopter!!! oh, dear God ... you call these homo sapien superior?? of course the chopper lasts as long as the tickets to the Michael Jackson memorial.

now Magneto can't allow them to claim the Dumbass Championship Belt now, would he? of course not. first, he throws torpedoes at them. failing to hit any of them, he protects himself by having the torpedoes revolve around him. chicken. now i wonder why Warren didn't just zoom down directly from above.

it turns out that all Magneto wants is to have all of the X-Men grouped in one spot so he can kill them at the same time. well, dummy, shouldn't you have held their chopper in place, then fire all your torpedoes at them? instead, Fred Dukes takes the brunt of the blast, foiling Magneto's brilliant plan and once again proving that supervillains in the '60s were among the dumbest of all.

he rants that he got everything figured out, and the Blob was in the way. but just before throwing the torpedoes at them, he dismisses the presence of the Blob as collateral damage. congratulations, Mags, you deserve your ass to be handed to you every single time (at least up to the early '80s).

and what the hell is this Magna-Car you speak of? surely it is not one you stole from Reed Richards and repainted it or something?

drive-by readings 022209

Thor #600 (Marvel) "Victory" J. Michael Straczynski Stan Lee Olivier Coipel Marko Djurdjevic Mark Morales Chris Eliopoulos Laura Martin Paul Mounts Christina Strain David Aja Matt Hollingsworth with reprinted material from Jack Kirby Vinnie Colletta Artie Simek

Thor celebrates his 600th issue with a bang - and banishment. Loki's subtle manipulations since he switched genders has now borne fruit and causes the Thunder God to leave Oklahoma, i mean Asgard. can you imagine beating up your grampa? man, that's sick. to wash off the bad taste, Chris Giarusso serves up a hilarious summary on everything that happened since this title's reboot. and Stan the Man hits us with a back-up story detailing Thor's relationship with mere mortals, illustrated by David Aja (whom we need drawing a lot more - please come back to Iron Fist). fun, fun, fun.


oh, and here's a cheer and toast to JMS for his Oscar-nominated Changeling. hope you win at least one of three.

waiting for Stan

"fight"? did they actually say "fight"? is there a legal entanglement here?

i hope its just for health reasons (i mean who had the bright idea to bring back the NYCC to February???), and not for, you know ... k-ching and ego reasons. i thank him for creating the whole kaboodle of characters, but he's so untouchable like royalty. its like he has Secret Service (Blackwater?) types that would take you down if you got a little too close. of course, i never got tickets for his autograph in the past Cons.

speaking of autographing tickets, this year they're actually selling these things (Jan. 12, noon at the NYCC website). there's still the first-come/first serve basis, which of course you won't get unless you were standing in front of the Javitz Center at 3 AM in the freezing cold. leftovers get lotto'ed out later.

like the rest of the sheep, i'll just try my luck at the booths and at artists alley. my wife's tagging along this year and i'm sure i'll never hear the end of it ("are you really bringing all those books???")

only the earth girls are easy

the rest of it ... ahhh, crap.

back in 1968, the world was on the edge, because another World War could erupt at any moment. and just to make things interesting, the Silver Surfer choses that time to cruise the skies. of course, he's just out to grab some fresh air, and he doesn't give a hoot about world politics. but to these puny humans on the ground, that's tantamount to invasion of air space. so much for having friendly skies.

don't turn around, uh-oh-oh. the commissar's in town, uh-oh-oh.

"accursed Oriental comrades"? what th-? everyone's a racist. and a comedian.

and where the in the world is Peiping? a twin-city type, an amalgam of Taipei and Beijing?

such hospitable behavior vexes the Surfer, who just lost his job as Galactus' Herald, because he defended Earth along with the Fantastic Four, preventing his master from having a midnight snack.

just in case this Surfing shtick doesn't work, Norrin Radd hones his stage acting chops

speaking of which, in the upcoming FF2, i look forward to seeing this scene. hopefully.

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Silver Surfer #1