what does Superior really wanna grab?

because, y'know, he's a hormonal teenager and all.

happy holidays, everyone!!

elevation

drive-by readings

Superior #1 (Marvel/Icon) "One Magic Wish" Mark Millar Leinil Francis Yu Gerry Alanguilan Dave McCaig Clayton Cowles

what we learned: a gentle nudge in the direction opposite of Kick-Ass and Nemesis, Mark Millar's new movie (ok, soon to be a movie, at this rate) courts the bleeding heart crowd with its protagonist an MS sufferer who's suddenly becomes endowed with superpowers by a ... talking monkey named Ormon.
oh shit moment: an extraterrestial talking monkey!
what's next: all will be explained in one month.


you'd be mad too if you're Superman with Magneto's costume

let's vault in

drive-by readings

X-Men Legacy #239 (Marvel) "Collision Part Two" Mike Carey Clay Mann Jay Leisten Brian Reber Cory Petit Leinil Francis Yu (cover)

what we learned: Luz or Luisa, the stray they picked up last issue and now defended against Sentinels in this one, is more trouble than they bargained for. and why do we say that? ah, as i mentioned last time, the inhabitants of the world (uh, "The Corridor". duh.) she came from bear a resemblance to - uh, hello, Children of the Vault. how you doin'?
oh shit moment: Rogue gives Magneto one big uppercut just to let him know that there is nothing (nothing! nothing!) between them.
what's next: rematch! only Rogue is left from the original team of X-Men they clashed with before.


HDTV? 3D? pfah. solid state light shows are the bomb!

teething

drive-by readings

Ultimate Avengers #3 (Marvel) "Blade Versus The Avengers, Part One of Six" Mark Millar Steve Dillon Andy Lanning Matt Hollingsworth Cory Petit Leinil Francis Yu/Marte Gracia (cover) Greg Land/Justin Ponsor (variant cover)

what we learned: not sure why this title is still rolling. the first incarnation of the Ultimates were fantastic, and had great resonance with the 616 Universe because they were dark mirrors of the real deal. now its just like scraping the bottom of the barrel. its probably the trendy vampire thing (i'm still chewing on X-Men #1-2) - now they have the undead biting on heroes and the black ops Avengers are called in, because Stick, the lameass Daredevil-who's-not-Matt-Murdock ("Ray Connor"? really?), and possibly the Hulk have all fallen in with the bloodsuckers. basically, its just a Blade comic crossed with the Daredevil and Elektra movies sprinkled with some Kick Ass. Steve Dillon makes it bearable. just.
oh shit moment: just when we're getting sympathetic with Connor, the dork gets bitten. now we just hate the kid.
what's next: is Cassidy gonna show up?


Blade doesn't give head, he takes them.

children of the corridor

drive-by readings

X-Men Legacy #238 (Marvel) "Collision Part One" Mike Carey Clay Mann Jay Leisten Brian Reber Cory Petit Leinil Francis Yu (cover)

what we learned: since this is Mike Carey driving the ship, he injects new (Spanish-flavored) enemies similar to the Children of the Vault circa the Supernovas story arc (thoroughly enjoyed that one), for a collision course with our mutants (Rogue being one of his faves, i feel). Rogue and Magneto accompany Paras and two other kids to Mumbai for a parental issue, but Mags has his suspicions of an extranormal anomaly. i hope the continuous suspicion of his current teammates doesn't push him again over to the supervillain side of the fence.
oh shit moment: where the hell did these quasi-Sentinels come from? (uh, "The Corridor". duh.)
what's next: i'd rather have someone else other than Clay Mann drawing this, but what the heck - bring it on.


20% tip mandatory.

snaps: Hulk #23

... where everything about the Red Hulk and General Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross is revealed. so do you feel like a chump after Jeph Loeb just put you on that rollercoaster ride the last couple of years? do ya??


uhhhh ... that Rolling Stone guy just published your drunken comments, sir.



i guess we know which Friend he didn't like.


seriously?? everyone can just revive everyone now? why is this not being mass-marketed? this spells the death of insurance and big pharma!!!


and here i thought ignorance was bliss.



streaks on his face? i don't even wanna go there.



the Redeemer Armor: because Mysterio and Bob the Uranian just wasn't enough.


Gen. Stanley McChrystal was surprised at the reaction of the Obama Administration.

snaps: The Sentry - Fallen Sun

... where we find our heroes visiting the grave of the Sentry (hey, he died just a few hours ago!), and reminiscing about the old days, adventures that make us go "huh, when did that happen?" then it dawned on us: the Sentry made us all forget about those times!! just like they do in Men in Black!! because, uh, he's such a heroic figure and all! cool!! uh, where am i again?

Robert's hair is so nice and soft, everyone wants to touch it.



that's dog-speak for "hey, did i bite off your arm?"



ok, what the hell is Daredevil doing here? and does Emma Frost need to attend in her elegant ho costume?



even in fictional character deaths, we get rick-rolled.



huh? how did Rogue become a bearded man? oh, that's Dr. Strange!?! geez, Tom Raney!



the portrait of an artist taking a dump



no. way. was this before or after Remy? so could there be a little Void-ish Marie Reynolds running around somewhere?

breaking bad

drive-by readings

Nemesis #1 (Marvel/Icon) Mark Millar Steve McNiven Dave McCaig Chris Elipoulos Leinil Francis Yu (variant cover) with the success of Kick-Ass like blood in the water, the shark that is Mark Millar (not @Not_Mark_Millar, but sometimes we're not sure) comes back for more ... shall we say, violence porn. granted, he had to top his and JRJR's baby (and cheekily putting it down right on the cover), and he doesn't hold back in the premiere issue. a diabolical cop-killer, who looks like a cross between Space Ghost and the Midnighter, targets only policeman who do their job well. and to this 'creative' ending, collateral damage doesn't matter. having caused havoc all over the globe, Nemesis now sets his sights on Washington DC Chief of Police Blake Morrow, rumored to be next in line for Homeland Security Directorship and Oprah's favorite cop. how to get his attention? oh, just by simply hijacking Air Force One and forcing it down and running pedestrians over. move over, Dave Lizewski; there's a new Kick-Ass in town. and he's playing for the other side. and he's wickedly good at being bad.

get a room already!!

the new Apollo & Midnighter!


can you feeeeeeeeeeeeel the love tonight???

drive-by readings: Wolverine #77

Wolverine #77 (Marvel) Daniel Way Marjorie Liu Giuseppe Camuncoli Onofrio Cattachio Marte Gracia Cory Petit Leinil Francis Yu/Jason Keith (variant cover)

continuing Daken's not-so-subtle manipulation of his temporary teammates and other characters (currently the FF), resulting in burnt flesh, broken bones, damaging injuries mostly to him. to what end, i don't know. thankfully, they put in the Dark Reign flavor right within the regular Wolverine book, unlike Bullseye ... oh, that's right, Hawkeye doesn't have a regular book. back to Daken. he can pull off this shit, because he's practically indestructible. as he said, he's currying favor with people just in case the ones he hangs out with get marched off to the gallows soon enough. we can't wait for that day. also we can't wait for the day somebody really wipes off that grating smug smile off Daken's face, courtesy of Mr. Camuncoli.

side note: see, for all of Reed Richards' smarts, he can't even mooch data off Osborn's computer. loser.

side note 2: hey, Leinil, what the hell is Daken supposed to be doing on that cover? stepping off from some invisible helicopter? or walking on thin air from building to building?

drive-by readings: Ultimate Avengers #1

Ultimate Avengers #1 (Marvel) "The Next Generation, Part 1 of 6" Mark Millar Carlos Pacheco Danny Miki Justin Ponsor Cory Petit Laura Martin Leinil Yu/Jason Keith (variant cover)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Mark Millar's back in the Ultimate line. i confess i haven't read Ultimatum yet from end to end. i'm vaguely aware of Magneto going nuts, a Biblical flood, Wolverine killing Multiple Man, Blob eating the Wasp, and most of the mutants dead as well. now we have the Ultimates - the Avengers - rebuilding their world post-Armageddon. looks like everyone got infected by Hawkeye's suicidal-take-no-prisoners-approach, even Captain America casually tosses bad guys out of a helicopter, or its just a bad day to take on the Avengers. anyhoo, most of it is a flashback with Cap and Hawkeye dealing with A.I.M. and Cap meeting the Red Skull (for the first time) - and the ugly jerk (looking like Crossbones) is ostensibly his son. pretty much Cap goes AWOL after that (more backstory to come) and Nick Fury is brought back to head a special ops team to bring Cap back in.

i've been a fan of Carlos Pacheco (Avengers Forever is a treasured book) and i'm astonished at this new level of amazing interior art - maybe its Danny Miki's inks. suffice it to say: wow.

if anything at all, this is NOT Ultimates 3. and thank God for that.

promises, promises

Clint Barton, you better tell no lie. or else i will sell your sex tape with Natasha to TMZ!



remember this one from a year ago? did you even kill one single Skrull?



Brian Michael Bendis keeps painting Hawkeye (the original, natch!) as a vapid, huffing and puffing hothead (which he was, back in the day). at this point, people are watching and cheering the new Dark Avenger Hawkeye/Bullseye.

drive-by readings: Dark Wolverine #75

Dark Wolverine #75 (Marvel) "The Prince, Part 1" Daniel Way Marjorie Liu Giuseppe Camuncoli Onofre Catacchio Marte Gracia Cory Petit Leinil Francis Yu/Laura Martin (cover) Marko Djurdjevic (variant cover)

the darkest part of this Wolverine knockoff getting the Dark Reign treatment has to be, without any doubt, the coming aboard of romance novelist Marjorie Liu to script Daken's adventures along with Wolverine: Origins scribe Daniel Way, the gleeful chronicler of Marvel's nastier characters. is this why we get a sex scene straight out of Zane's playbook? not that i read Zane, mind you. honest!

maybe we should keep this Dark Reign ball rolling for awhile, as we never had this kind of tension in an Avengers headquarters, probably since Hank Pym built a robot to "rescue" the Avengers from. or when Wonder Man started banging the Scarlet Witch, right under the nose of a reconfigured Vision. or when Clint started banging Jan. you get the idea. Daken + Bullseye (Hawkeye) + Venom + Ares + Norman Osborn = it boggles the mind that they haven't killed each other yet.

this is a terrific jumping on point for new readers, who should have at least a passing familiarity with Wolverine (who technically has been pushed aside in his own book for awhile). Daken is a deliciously nasty piece of work, who has his own agenda (don't they all) not exactly running parallel with Osborn's. but then again, what's his goal? it's not just to supplant Osborn, or kill his dad ... there has to be something else.

hey, Marvel - when you decide to kick these bad guys out of the house ... you better make it count. i want blood. i want teeth kicked in. i want skulls caved in. you hear me, Joe Quesada? and no copping out either. i don't want the Beyonder suddenly appearing and waving them all off out of existence. or Uatu tripping on his own two feet and crushing Venom with his big head. i want real heroes drawing blood! blood i say!

enlighten me ...

... o geekz of the InterWebz.

how does Namor talk through water again? and in an intelligible way?


you can see the bubbles from below so don't tell me he's not in water.

oh and hey, where's that webbed thing that used to be under his armpits? or does that appear only when he's flying?

also, let's see what Namor is actually saying on the cover (considering that watery thing that muffles sound):

Namor: "you cannot keep me from my cousin's puppies!!!!!!!!!!"

honest to God, that's what happens in this issue.

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Agents of Atlas #6

huh?!

Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk ends ... a la the Hulk '70s TV show with Bill Bixby hightailing it on an empty highway.


what, no final issue wanton destruction of limb and property? that too cliche?

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Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk #6
(thank you for that 3-plus years, six-issue series - that saved us a lot of money, you %#$%#@$@%#% shits)

Betty has found someone Uglier ...

... and that someone is the Hulk!



um, you're not referring to Master Betty, right, Bruce?

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Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk #4 (for god's sake, finish this already!!!)

who said what?

coordination can be a bitch.

just ask Tom Breevort, Bill Rosemann, or Brian Michael Bendis.

so what really happens when ex-S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Nick Fury (preparing an underground secret strike force against the Skrull invasion for years now) and Thunderbolts head Norman Osborn (otherwise known as the psychotic Green Goblin and chief of America's super secret police) bump into each other during the final battle between Earth's heroes/villains and the Skrulls?

unless they repeated this scene a second time, with Osborn holding a different gun each time. anybody angling for a No-Prize? what, they don't give those out anymore??


yeah, Osborn's going to be the next major crossover villain after next summer's War of Kings.
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Secret Invasion #7, Thunderbolts #125

down and out

what's this? i'm finally reading Final Crisis? just skimming through, and you know these types of events get a bit more exciting toward the end. anyway, i wanna see who else dies next. did i say "die"?

that's Darkseid's take on this series

speaking of dying, once Uatu gets a front seat in huge superhero battles, something big's about to happen. (where the fuck was he when Steve Rogers died?)

promise?

unless it flew over your head, you are seeing the Big Three (with Uncle Nicky) challenging 'em dirty Skrulls for a throwdown.

if this battle isn't a twist and turn classic, i'll be the first to boo.

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Secret Invasion #6

anger management

this Secret Invasion thing has gotten all sorts of people hopping mad out of their longjohns.

A. Hawkeye
we can sympathize: he loses his wife, he joins some villains, he dies, he comes back from the dead, he dies again, he comes back from the dead again, he boinks the girl who killed him, someone took his former identity, he takes the former identity of the mute girl he's boinking, then all of a sudden his wife's alive. and a Skrull. and he has to kill her. beautiful. normal people who undergo this shit are usually committed thereafter.


B. Mr Fantastic
one of the early casualties of the Skrull Invasion, Reed has been captured in a Skrull ship being dissected like a lab rat. so when Agent Abby Brand rescues him, his first reaction to choke the life out of her. those crazy scientists. never know when they might snap. right, Bruce Ivins?


C. Agent Abby Brand
being left for dead in space can drive a girl nuts. being left for dead in space, without sanitary napkins, at that time of the month, means murder for anyone who gets in her way.


well, at least she's boinking Hank McCoy. (all hail The Beast!)

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Secret Invasion #5