this never happens to Cory Petit!

someday you'll find it, the rainbow CONNETION ... (Batman: Streets of Gotham #8)



DC's been really notorious lately on typos.


/full disclosure: Mike Marts, Editor; Janelle Siegel, Asst. Editor

snaps: Batman - Streets of Gotham #6

of bats and sluts and invisible men, and false gods, and faith. Chris Yost makes the most of his guest stint.

1) yes, just like his rodent avatar, Batman crashes thru windows upside down. wait, what-?


2) Helena Bertinelli is still hotbloodedheaded in 2009.


3) what i said. slut.


4) when you invent something of military value, either the government misuse it or the real bad guys take it from you.


5) first time i've seen a priest have balls since Jesse Custer.



wait, he called you a slut, Helena! are you gonna let him get away with that??

drive-by readings: Batman: Streets of Gotham #3

Batman: Streets of Gotham #3 (DC) "Hush Money" / "Under My Skin" Paul Dini Dustin Nguyen Derek Fridolfs John Kalisz Steve Wands Marc Andreyko Georges Jeanty Karl Story Jack Purcell Nick Filardi Sal Cipriano

Victor Zsasz, in Paul Dini's more than capable hands, is currently replacing the Joker as the preeminent scariest Gotham psycho. and with the Black Mask positioning him to be the Man, well ... the Joker better get back to killin'. on a much tamer level, but no less to be wary of, is ex-BFF Thomas 'Hush' Elliot doing his Bruce Wayne shtick, prompting the new Dynamic Duo to put roadblocks along the way so he doesn't squander the family wealth. i dunno. i'm with Damian on this one - give him a good beating, then knife him in the back and dump him in the sewer. the bad guys keep getting chances. speaking of Damian - "he hearts Katanaaaaa". thanks to Grant Morrison, this post-Wayne's world might turn out to be interesting after all.

and still not biting on the Manhunter backup story.

i didn't know there was a crossover

Black Mask, describing the Dark Reign to his new employee Vic Zsasz. bloody good steak, and a steak knife that will get bloody.

drive-by readings: Batman: Streets of Gotham #1

Batman: Streets of Gotham #1 (DC) "Ignition" / "Strange Bedfellows" Paul Dini Dustin Nguyen Derek Fridolfs John Kalisz Steve Wands Marc Andreyko Georges Jeanty Karl Story Nick Filardi Sal Cipriano

Paul Dini re-teams with his ex-Detective Comics cohorts Dustin Nguyen and Derek Fridolfs on Streets of Gotham, which seems to be more from supporting characters' POV. with the new Batman and Robin still gaining traction, Gotham City seems to be always in freefall but never completely flatlining. and why bother with the city really? does it have overflowing coffers of gold that everyone wants a piece of it? i'm sure Gotham qualifies as one of the cities with the highest crime rates (and that was with Batman). with such a rosy outlook, one would pull up stakes and move elsewhere. its a miracle people still live in a place where you could get bombed by the Joker or get ripped in half by Killer Croc any given moment.

so for this moment, we have B-lister Firefly setting everyone afire because, hey that's what he does. so Gotham's burning again. Commish Gordon keeps a steely silence in the face of it all, and just keeps doing his job (how old is he? 73?). with the narration flowing smoothly between heroes, villains and victims, Dini keeps us engaged, and eagerly awaiting the next issue. didn't care much for the Manhunter backup story though.

by the way, this is only one of two new Batman series being written by Dini. the other one is called Gotham City Sirens, which features more Guillem March. hubba-hubba.

when strikes ... the batlust!

ok, no more Robin jokes.

seriously, should we be scared of Batman? yes, we should, but not because he can put the fear of God in us or the scare us to death, but because he can take our women!!!

in Superman/Batman #40, a mind-controlled Superman has Bats on the ropes and his ass is saved by a woman whom he instantly lusts for. he learns later that she is Bekka, the wife of Orion, no less, who's not exactly the most stable of individuals.



Bats is put in situations which require close proximity to Bekka, like the one below where she keeps them invisible as they're being hunted by Darkseid's Parademons. as to how long before they both lose control ... maybe next issue.



does Talia and Selina know about this? lock up your women! the Bat is loose!

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Superman/Batman #40
Alan Burnett, Dustin Nguyen, Derek Fridolfs

the gods must be crazy

Ares
Michael Avon Oeming/Travel Foreman/Derek Fridolfs
Marvel


you know your Greek myths, right? you know who Zeus is, you know Hera, Hercules, Ares, Apollo, Aphrodite, the whole nine yards Pantheon. but you didn't know that Ares lives among us now. yeah, right here, on Earth. he's just a carpenter now, named John Aaron. do you want to shoot the breeze and have a few beers with him? call him at 212-FIX-HAUS. just don't ask him about his son and his family.

'cause that's really gonna set him off. i doubt if Aetna will cover you.

backstory: god of war Ares, a recurring character in the Marvel Universe, is obviously the half-brother of regular character Hercules. he has been on self-imposed exile for a while now, posing as a carpenter and raising his son Alexander as a single parent. the exile was brought about by his disgust with his family of gods, who abhor his tactics and want nothing to do with him, except when they need his help in beating off invaders more powerful than them. despite wanting to be recognized for his merits and be viewed in equal standing among Zeus' sons, Ares said 'fuck it' and left Olympus in a huff.

fast forward to today: Ares/Aaron has concerns over the changing nature of his boy, Alex, who exhibits tendencies toward rage and irrational behavior. in the course of his daily work, he gets a somewhat unwanted visitor: the fleet-footed messenger Hermes, in the form of a Tony Hawk-wannabe. he asks Ares to come back to Olympus to help them out - a menace beyond their control is bent on destroying Olympus, and only the God of War (Ret.) can turn the tide. here's what Ares thought of Hermes' plea:

"dude! that was my new Nike+iPod!!"

troubled more by his son's conduct, and feeling guilty about keeping his real nature and history from him, Ares takes comfort in the fact that the tough character should make Alex a survivor in this world.


all concerns are swept to the side when he finds out that his son "disappears". realizing that this is an overt attempt by Zeus to get him back to Olympus, he breaks out the hardware, brings back his Johnny Rotten hairstyle, and goes Rambo on the cops standing in his driveway. not just the cops, the S.W.A.T. teams and around 10 blocks of residential neighborhood too.

Ares does certainly fit right in America

in that one moment, there were no superheroes to take down Ares (conspiracy! paging Oliver Stone! drop the weed and check it out!). taxpayers, woe to thee.

Jesus was never this obstinate (and He got nailed to the cross for us)



and he was already doing well in his anger management class ...

Ares is fetched by a scarred Achilles himself (who kidnapped Alexander earlier; what? no that was a different movie! yeah but they're both gay. they're Greeks!). Achilles appeals to his former patron, and back they go to Olympus. Ares insists that he has no interest in fighting their war for them and only wants his son back. oh, yeah, and also to punch his dad for pulling this shit on him.


well, guess what: the enemy has kidnapped Alexander from Achilles' boys. gee whiz. "sorry, Ares, my man. guess you don't have to punch me now. friends?"

here i see my complaint with Oeming's dialog, which is prevalent throughout the series. aside from the siblings incessantly screaming obscenities at each other (yeah, family, i know, i know), there seems to be sudden mood swings, like rapidly playing with an on/off switch. this is mostly for Ares' character.

"i will put you down like the dogs you are, fucking bitches!!"
"hey, Ares, look, they took your son, okay? we have to go after them!"
"okay, for now i will help you."
"you know, your son is a bit of a brat; he wanted to watch TV."
"fuck you!!! i will destroy you where you stand!!!"
"hey, Ares, want some donuts?"
"give me some ... you are a good friend."
"oh sorry, i gave it all to your son. damn, he ate them all! what a greedy kid!"
"i will put you down like the dogs you are, fucking bitches!!"

something like that.

well, at least he helped Achilles mow down the first wave of the Amatsu-Mikaboshi.

prior to this series, Ares worked as a consultant for EA.

they finally get whisked to the palace, where it didn't take two minutes for insults to fly, Ares to choke Hera, and get into a tussle with Hercules, before Zeus throws down his famous thunderbolts. ahhh, don't you just looooooooooooooove family reunions?


of course, it also takes less than two minutes for Ares to decide to land a left cross on his father's jaw.


Zeus swallows his pride, and holds everyone back from wanting to gang up on Ares. he asks for his forgiveness, for setting things into motion, and for the unforeseen event where Ares' son is taken out from under their divine noses.


i mean, if anyone can sneak past the Greek gods themselves, hell, i'm not trusting them either. and i'd land a second punch at Zeus just for good measure. Ares did.

Hercules tries to re-assert his "favorite son" status, but gets slapped down.


question #1: if exceptional humans die and go to Olympus, do they die again? apparently so, because here Odysseus had allegedly died. again. damned mythology.


question #2: what did Patroclus ever do (aside from escalating the Trojan War by dying) to be included in the who's who of Greek greats? i bet it was a favor to Achilles. pederasty!!!

while the Olympians plan and chat, Alex is slowly falling under the control of the Mikaboshi.


the Mikaboshi is the Japanese god of evil; having whittled down its set of good gods, it has set its sights toward the Greek pantheon, and it wants to transform Alex into its own God of War (i think it played this game too much).

the battle is soon joined, but the Mikaboshi sneaks Alex thru the lines to gut his grampa.

sucker-punched by your son, stabbed by your grandson; this is just not Zeus' day

Ares and Hercules, meanwhile, tangle with the Mikaboshi itself, who here looks like an unmasked Cobra Commander.

y tu mama tambien.

what's with the tentacles? oh, that's right ... it's Japanese. urotsukidoji!!!


with their first faceoff a stalemate, the gods take a break to lick their wounds. Hermes, not exactly a frontliner, almost gets shot by Ares, which is like adding insult to earlier injury.


he tells them of a Japanese messenger to the gods, Inari, who foresees the death of their Pantheon, unless they ask the help of the remaining gods of the East. you know what Ares response to that was.

Christopher Lambert tells the secret of 'Flawless Victory'

rejecting the old man's suggestion, the Greek gods once again go to war, and this time, Alex is ready to face his old man. armed with the legendary Kusanagi, he proves to be a match to his father (aside from also inheriting his ability to be condescendingly insulting).

i know kung fu! do you know kung fu? do you yahoo?

Zeus, though, has one last trick in his loincloth - remove Alex from the Mikaboshi's spell (why he didn't do that earlier, i don't know). Alex, realizing the gravity of the situation, pulls out the sword from his father's body (that frakkin' hurts) and cuts down the Mikaboshi. at this point, the gods of the East had also joined the fray because Hermes and Inari made it look like Greek gods asked for their help. no one complains, nor asks any questions. victory!


i've read little of Oeming's other work, apart from the Red Sonja #0 i had him sign at the NY Comic Con (definitely on the to-read list: Stormbreaker: The Saga of Beta Ray Bill, and of course, Eisner-awardee Powers). good thing he's not drawing this series. hey, don't tell him i said that or i may end up ...

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issues read: #1-5