leave it to Chance

from lawyer to human target, Mark Valley is the man for Fox's adaptation of the Len Wein/Carmine Infantino comic. also starring Jackie Earle Haley (Rorscach, Watchmen).

drive-by readings: Justice League of America #35

Justice League of America #35 (DC) "Royal Pain: Chapter 1, Luck of the Draw" Len Wein Tom Derenick Pow Rodrix Marlo Alquiza Rob Hunter Walden Wong Dan Green Pete Pantazis Rob Leigh Eddy Barrows/Ruy Jose/Rod Reis (cover)

welcome to the JLA farm system. with all the big names gone, we're only left with Vixen and Firestorm to lead the troops against ... gasp! ... the Royal Flush Gang. actually, with Dr. Light, Red Tornado, and (yaaaayyy!) Plastic Man along for the ride, they're still powerful enough to take on anyone. but that being said, it still doesn't feel like a JLA book to me. the reveal of having Prof. Amos Fortune and Roulette was ho-hum as well. maybe they do have plans down the line for the League, and having the wordy Len Wein write a storyline is a holding pattern, but it looks like Justice League of America has ceased to be a top-tier book for now.

starbroken

in the current issue of JLA (#29), we are reintroduced to Starbreaker, the Cosmic Vampire, who tries to swipe back the "sun-powered being" card from the Sentry. he just sold himself short, because he failed to do his research that the Sentry had "the power of a million exploding suns", while the dork only settled for a thousandth of that. dumbass.

realizing his mistake, he tries to spin the situation.



countless? meh.

actually, if we look back at his original appearance in JLA vol. 1 #96 (yes, waaaaaaaaay back then, kiddies), he even had less! the nerve.

i guess he thought "a hundred suns" would sound very impressive back then. too bad, the League kicked his ass. twice.

* i also guess its an editorial snafu by Messrs Berganza and Schlagman, or they really thought a 'hundred' was weak for this new generation, and saying a 'million' would look a lot like the Sentry so they settled for a thousand.


oh, and here's a kinky portion. i didn't know Hawkman (and this was from Starbreaker's present-day narrative of the events in #96) back then, already knew the term "safe word".

going back to the original tome:



would that sound corny for you, kids? you rather like "safe word"? i guess you do, because you guys are a lot more knowledgeable than me when i was your age.

threesome

blessed fecal matter, i've found it!!!

do the names Mary Miller, Arnold Slackmyster, Myron J Maxwell, Fred Cramer, Ragland T Peppermill and Big Bull Bulowsky ring any bells to you?

no?

how about Fandral the Dashing, Hogun the Grim and the Voluminous Volstagg?

shame on you if you've never heard of Thor's Asgardian buddies, the terrible trio of countless triumphant (mis)adventures!

currently reborn in the pages of Thor, Asgardians have walked the earth for years now, and this one time, in band camp, i was privileged in all of my six years on this earth to have read Marvel Spotlight #30.

temporarily left alone to fend for themselves in New York City by the Thunder God, the Warriors Three decide to explore this New World (a.k.a. Manhattan, circa 1976 - scaaaaaaary). who was the mayor of the city at this time, kids? (if you said Guiliani, you deserve a righteous beating).

for the record, Fandral is the green-clad Robin Hood/Oliver Queen type with a sword. he's as fast as his tongue, which means he's the resident ladies' man. Hogun is the pessimistic, mysterious, do-as-i-do action man, but is surprisingly eloquent and chatty when he needs to. as for pink-and-yellow attired Volstagg ... well, let's just say there's no libation nor provisions that he doesn't approve of.

this used to be the time when New York taxi drivers were still knowledgeable and street smart. Myron J. Maxwell is the embodiment of this. these days, immigrants get off the boat on a Monday and drive a taxicab by Tuesday. i have to tell them where to frickin' go.

their search for excitement is short as it is, as they immediately encounter a would-be jumper. as in ledge jumper. cue in Third Eye Blind.

Fandral, the rescuer of damsels in distress, immediately scales the building with no ladders or anything, and conducts an interview of said damsel. Mary Miller wants to escape this world, because its a world without her fiance Arnold, who has been coerced by loansharks to help them rob a jewelry store.

of course, interviews conducted on narrow ledges tend to go awry, as we can see. Fandral's grandstanding act is upset by gravity, and it seems Mary's initial wish is going to be granted ...

... except of course, for the timely intervention of Volstagg, who would be the perfect model for the next generation of Ikea beds.

writer Len Wein puts in a nice touch about the annoying habits of reporters, courtesy of the fine blade of Hogun. "people have a right to know" is a tired argument and is most often used the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.

Myron's taxi has a new passenger and off they go to the 'Diamond Jewelry Exchange' (which is probably the Bowery area).

at this point, they meet a drunken bum named Ragland T Peppermill, who "assists" them in opening a side door to the establishment.

and what are the chances, in real life, that the heroes actually arrive just in time to stop a robbery in progress? less than 50% i'd wager. the cops usually arrive after the fact. we only see cop-and-robber standoffs in movies nowadays.

for a six year old kid, fascination and enjoyment will be written all over his face when he reads stuff like this. these are the Terence Hill/Bud Spencer comedies come to life.

after making short work of the masked villains, the trio asks Mary to survey the carnage, but she tells the trio that Arnold isn't among the fallen. frustration would set in, except for the presence of a malodorous drunkard.

deducing that Arnold hailed a cab to take him to the "waterfront", they rush over and decide to make inquiries ... starting with McGinty's, which i think has been closed down by now (not due to the events in this story, of course ... or maybe it was).

if i was the bartender, i'd try to keep a straight face at these Errol Flynn rejects. especially since they are on "a great and noble quest".


witness this sequence of events:



and the time-honored tradition of a bar fight is ON!!!

with all the drunks and lowlifes laid low (including the bartender?), it seems obvious that Arnold isn't among them either. so what are three godlings to do? why, repeat the process, of course!

but surprise, surprise! Arnold turns up outside the bar, walking along, deciding whether to drown himself, because life without Mary would be hell. and who else would notice him? Mary of course. aaaaaawwwwwww ....

basically, the Warriors just beat up around 20 to 30 men in one night for really nothing.

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan-tastic.

you know what happens next, folks.


i say thee again ... faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan-tastic.

so after sending off Myron and the newlywed couple with a bunch of gold coins to see Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, what are our godlings to do?

ahhh ... to paraphrase Rags, this blogging thing sure beats rummaging through garbage cans.

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Marvel Spotlight #30
"A Night on the Town"
Len Wein/John Buscema/Joe Sinnott/Glynis Wein/Joe Rosen