Warriors Three Reboot

So this week was a triple shot espresso courtesy of Marvel. First, they gave us ...

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Oh wait, that's not the female Thor they were rolling out soon. So apparently, Thor (the Thor we all know and love, that lout) will become unworthy of Mjolnir, and thus another hammer-bearer is needed. Apparently also, Beta Ray Bill was not answering his phone.

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All bets are on the recently-acquired comic character/property Angela as the new Goddess of Thunder (what if it was Sif all along?). And although they say she "... isn't a temporary female substitute", how many issues or months would you bet before Thor Odinson regains the hammer? I'll wager less than 3 years, for one big crossover again.

Not too surprising is the ascension of Sam Wilson as the new (albeit temporary, i dare you challenge me) Captain America. I was thinking they would find a cure for Steve Rogers' dilemma in time, but I guess this was one of those insidious long-term plans concocted during one of those Marvel retreats. And why not? Marvel's batting average has been on the rise in the last 14 years.

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Lastly, we are going to have an Iron Man that's "... hard to root for." Yes, the return of Drunk Tony!! Oh, wait, its going to be a Superior Iron Man. Hubris will be the norm, as Tony apparently continues the legacy of Steve Jobs (in more ways than one) and kind of forces his vision on the world (or in this case, San Francisco) because he knows he's right. You know he's always right. He may have gone too far with his Illuminati machinations, but .... you know he's right. 

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October can't be too far away. Enough time to grab the popcorn eh?

we're not worthy

... because some other people have been chosen, not us.

er... how is Juggy, i mean "Kuurth" (is that like Steve Kurth, or Kurse as pronounced by a someone with a lisp?) going to see out of his helmet, if the holes are kind of nowhere near his eyes? that probably explains why the Juggernaut kept breaking things, because he can't see where the hell he's going!

oh, and he can't break anything metal now, can he?

Fraction should have just called Hulk "Nul, Breaker of Scripts and Programming Code" but i digress. why invent new villains when we can just co-opt Marvel's powerhouses and make them mind-controlled baddies eh? if you have a breaker of worlds, then why would you need the other six?

i guess the letter N made her new nickname much tougher-sounding rather than a T ("Skirt"). and i heard in the original script it was written as "Skirn, Breaker of Balls", but then Editorial got into the picture. anyhoo, Titania seems destined to break the male populace, but would that include her longtime daddy-o, Crusher Creel a.k.a. The Absorbing Douchebag? apparently Creel would also be having a hammer of his own, and he will be dubbed "Crul, Breaker of Chicks".

is that Attuma, or is that Attuma? and why is he breaking oil pipelines? shouldn't he be breaking fiber optic cables so as to disrupt Internet service globally, hence sending about half of its denizens into a frenzy because they couldn't Tweet or update their Facebook pages? i tell you, online deprivation is a huge FEAR!!! hah!!!

Fear Itself #2 unveils a bunch of "The All Father's" stooges, and indescribably puts the world under attack so quickly that the Avengers seem overwhelmed or unprepared. we all know the Asgardians just up and left (i think Odin's still hiding something - "The All Father" is his evil doppelganger?), but seem to think that the best option is literally a scorched Earth policy. the story still seems too fantastical at the moment (shades of Fraction's World Tree storyline over in Thor) and not too grounded like earlier Marvel events. i love Immonen's art (with longtime inking partner Wade Von Grawbadger) in NextWave, and here he's kind of switched up to serious mode. 5 issues to go, and hopefully, there's more meat and potatoes next ish.

you know who's going to save the day, right? right??

The Man Without Fear. Hal Jordan.

let the light shine in

drive-by readings

New Avengers #4 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade Von Grawbadger Laura Martin Chris Eliopoulos

what we learned: the magic men can't hazard a guess as to who's been trying to stage another Inferno show in New York, where our other Avengers (oh, hi there, Jewel!) have their hands full swatting demons left and right. until the sky spits out Danny, and the first thing he does is ...
oh shit moment: ... give Dr. Strange an iron fist, minus the iron. hey, nice duds, Danny?
what's next: we've known of that thing for years, but who really owns the Eye of Agamotto? Agamotto, of course. duh.


i bet Strange never got sucker punched by Clea or the Night Nurse like that.

mystic pizzazz

drive-by readings

New Avengers #3 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade Von Grawbadger Laura Martin Chris Eliopoulos

what we learned: this is actually a fun book even if its just for Stuart Immonen's tight cartoony style. Iron Fist is transported by the possessing demon somewhere else, while his teammates deal with the sky breaking open with more demons pouring out. the magic boys retreat to figure who's big enough to take them all on. Victoria, meanwhile, decides to lend a Hand.
oh shit moment: eh? is that the Ancient One?
what's next: do we need to call in Zatanna or something?


ummm, not this one.

snaps: New Avengers #1

... where we see the formerly on-the-run-from-the-law new Avengers finally become official Avengers again, but that even includes Hawkeye, Wolverine and Spidey, who's in the main Avengers book. this is headlined by Luke Cage, but he's supposed to be Thunderbolting. and Ben Grimm gets to freelance. oh drat. who else is NOT an Avenger?? (hint: me)

NOW LOOK WHO'S BROKE.


Danny Rand keeps money in his belt. take note of that, muggers!!!


Strange: "why do you have America's Best Comics logo on your chest, Hellstrom?"


the off switch is found in the Arid Badlands inside Sledge's lair.


yeah, screw you! Norman Osborn partied EVERY. DAY. she was not just Saturday night's!!


and who is paying for (and preparing) this spread??

tying the loose ends

drive-by readings

The New Avengers: Finale (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Bryan Hitch/Stuart Immonen Butch Guice/Andrew Currie/Karl Story Paul Mounts/Justin Ponsor/Rain Beredo Chris Eliopoulos

first up, let's see what Avengers maestro Brian Michael Bendis let us know about New Avengers: Finale:


i've been increasingly critical about Bryan Hitch's artwork, which was becoming 'dirtier' (maybe its the bunch of inkers he has to work with?) and due to either deadline concerns (sometimes i don't mind lateness if the artwork is blow-my-mind stellar) or the bulk of work to be drawn, he ends up drawing with painful postures and sometimes disproportionate limbs. i mean, study this scene below, and draw your own conclusions.


i love Hitch circa The Authority and The Ultimates. i believe he does his best work with Paul Neary or Andrew Currie, and will be best served with limited series work that has some leeway on its shipping schedule.

so what about the rest of the story? this is intended to tie the loose ends of Siege, because they decided that it was going to be a 4-issue series, and obviously that won't be enough to tell the whole kaboodle. last time we saw Madame Masque, she was hightailing it with her balls-less boyfriend, Parker the Robbin' Hood out of Oklahoma. turns out she went to run to her dad, Ra's Al Ghul. oh wait - that's Count Nefaria.


really, its hilarious that supervillains are named literally, to ensure that you know they're BAD: Erik Killmonger, Doctor Faustus, Eric The Red, Spymaster, Doctor Doom, Mister Fear. although Mister Fear and Dr. Doom sound really cool.

the guys need to capture them unless they want to hand the bad guys another opportunity to put them through this kind of wringer again. also, its way past time this Brian K. Vaughan creation be put to pasture, as we can agree with Count Nefaria, his 15 minutes are up. luckily, every other bad guy is more than happy to give him up. its refreshing to find the Avengers, and this time not just the regular Avengers we used to know, but every major and promoted-to-major character that Bendis incorporated into the fold during this decade, to be actually working together. Spider-Man shouldn't have to endure any JJJ tirades any longer from hereon - one word from Cap and Jameson should shut up. but then again, would that be consistent with the Spidey creative team's direction to keep him a lovable loser?


hey, hey, hey, don't call Nicky Boy a terrorist!

speaking of Spidey, i want him to be contributing some more brains to the operation. i know he's the joker of the group ("booties!"), and they need comic relief in the heat of battle, but he's smart and it was past time he got Stark sponsorship (don't mention that Spider Armor - or was that all forgotten after Brand New Day?).

Disney execs are ROTFL

the Avengers acquit themselves further by bagging the Hood, Masque, Hood's pal John King, and Nefaria, with the help of Wolverine ("anything to get away from Cyclops - guy was driving me nuts." - what, because he's under pressure to keep the mutant race alive, fend off Bastion with his leadership skills and tactics while keeping the body count to a minimum, keep his faith in Hope with Kurt in mind, AND keep his sanity knowing he's sleeping with Emma Frost every damn night? you don't say.), and the forgotten fact that Ms. Marvel can absorb energy and redirect it at you. hear that, Marvel supervillains? keep that in mind next time you meet Ms. Marvel!

its fun to see Maria Hill leading the cheers for the good guys to take over again. wasn't it so long ago she was staring down Captain America, and sought to take him down? i guess working with Tony Stark, and working Tony Stark, if you know what i mean, works wonders. holy crap - too bad Tony doesn't remember any of that! would she file a paternity suit against him if she got preggers and he denies it, because that's the truth - he really doesn't remember?

and what of Steve Rogers? 2007 was so long ago. to tell the truth, i'm not bitter that he was brought back, y'know? sure, his death, with all the hype and related comic work that earned Marvel a gazillion more dollars (catching the eye of Disney), has been taken down notches, but didn't we expect this (coming back) to happen? this was part of Marvel's plan all along - not like the death of Jean Grey on the moon, and the haphazard resurrection just to launch X-Factor. at least he's not coming back to reclaim the mantle, and they just issued a one-shot (hint: its not Who Won't Wield the Shield!) to sort that out (i'm kinda looking at you, Battle for the Cowl)

really? don't you remember you used a joy buzzer on Tony when he shook your hand in Civil War?

final scene: what, no Steve Rogers, Sharon Carter, Logan, or Natasha?

well, all's well that ends well, i guess. though i have a couple of questions: i wonder how Jessica Jones got herself an AT&T contract without being traced by Osborn/H.A.M.M.E.R.?

oh well, maybe Pete jailbroke it and added a variable cellsite piggybacker (really talking out of my ass now)

what i really wanna know is, Bryan Hitch, what's up with Luke's now-you-see-it-now-you-don't earring?



oh hey, anybody know where Daken is?

/the quick answer is: he's going to replace Wolverine, so he gets a free not-going-to-jail card.

plastic fantastic

.... or bloated botoxified face. i know you have an image to keep, but i don't know, Cap.

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New Avengers #64

heckling from the peanut gallery, part 2

the call to assemble has gone out again, and we the people, the huddled masses of collateral damage from the disassembling, house of m-ing, civil warring, planet hulking, secret invading, and dark reigning, exercise our right to yell our opinion from the streets, as is our democratic right. the first time around, we yelled at the regular Avengers. this time, its the new ones. wait, what?




"sure, sure, your pals from Yancy Street just adore ya. sellout."
"so is it really friends or family first?"
"shouldn't you change the logo on your belt so the '4' can look like an 'A' at a certain angle?"





"really? didn't you run away and hide when Captain Hero killed Danny and they all thought you did?"
"how come ya look like a tanned Crusher Creel?"
"your tiara sells on eBay for $13.95!"




"didn't you get fired?"
"Jackpot on line 2, a Felicia on line 3, and oh, your roommate Michelle wants the rent pronto!"
"responsibility, schmesponsibility ... your Aunt just had her 109th heart attack and you're posing for the press junket."



"and that means doing what ... exactly?"
"let's see you put your money where your mouth is. two words: Romulus and Daken."
"by the way, a new Alpha Flight is being formed next month and they want you in!"



"if you're here, who's taking care of the baby?"
"can't you have a better codename than a pop-country singer who used to live in a van?"
"i guess you and Luke both wear the pants in the family."


most of these people were New Avengers. so .... status quo.

drive-by readings: New Avengers #55

New Avengers #55 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade von Grawbadger Dave McCaig Albert Deschesne

maybe it's just me, but i've been largely a fan of Bendis' work. jumping from (excellent) to Daredevil (excellent) to Avengers Disassembled to House of M to Secret Invasion and now, Dark Reign, i mean the man has the Marvel U in the palm of his hand, just like the X Universe resided in Bob Harras' head during his heyday. and all these stories that can be told, all the rich tapestry of characters in the 616 that you can tap into - its mind-boggling just to string them all together and make them react to the new world around them, instead of taking the easy way out and inventing new characters and gloss over what the existing ones might do. purists might still find continuity glitches somewhere but you can't deny the ambitiousness of remaking the Marvel world as we know it. this is why Norman Osborn is on top, the villains have taken the reins, and Tony Stark is out there clean shaven and penniless. this is why Spider-Man and Hawkeye have to argue about whether to kill or not. and who would think D-listers like Chemistro and Jonas Harrow would have what it takes to smartly take down the (not-Dark) Avengers? by the way, Ms. Marvel/Carol Danvers is alive and well here so those who are reading her proper title, its kinda bit late. now, if i had a bone to pick with Bendis, i'd ask him: where's the one guy that could totally sway power to either side? where's Owen Reece? did i miss him somewhere in your master plan?

screen capture, part 2

continuing our fantasy list of favorite comicbook storyline-turned-movies!

as noted in part 1, there are only two conditions - throw money at everything and write it the way the fans want it. theatres worldwide should be flooded at the amount of piss the geeks and nerds would be producing, once they watch these films.


8. ULTRON UNLIMITED
Kurt Busiek/George Perez/Stuart Immonen/Al Vey/Wade Von Grawbadger (Marvel)

before this movie would even be made, the Avengers need to be formed. assuming that's been the case, we can dive right in on the action - Ultron, a sentient robot based on the brain patterns of founding member Hank Pym, decides to replace the human race with the non-human high tech kind. possibly some flashbacks need to be written into the story to explain how Ultron was created and he went nuts. also, the Avengers have beefed up their roster with a few established heroes (the Black Panther, Vision, the Scarlet Witch and Wonder Man) and a couple of rookies in Firestar and Justice.

Ultron invades some Balkan country and completely wipes it off the map. this is Alderaan scale. the Avengers go right in and get their asses handed to them, until an injured Justice provides the key that saves the day. Michael Bay would work wonders with this.

casting call:

Captain America? helloooooooooo ... Brad Pitt?


Iron Man? another big helloooooooooooooooooooo?


Thor? John Cena is a Thunder God!


the fashionista Wasp? let's hear for regular geek Natalie Portman.

conflicted but spineless wife-beating genius Hank Pym? Thomas Haden Church. yeah, i know he's got 20 years on Portman, but they're actors, they can do this.

the synthozoid Vision is mostly CGI. but it will be based on Keanu Reeves, who plays brooding, mysterious, charismatic yet wooden characters. plus, his agent will find yet another way to land him this plum robotic role.

the Scarlet Witch, whom we all know would go crazy at some point, will be played by smoldering queen Lena Headey.

read my lips. the Witch is f****n' Matt Damon, the Wonder Man.


who else would we want as a Firestarter but Bryce Dallas Howard?


young telekinetic mutie Justice? ThunderJake Gyllenhooooooooooo!


the regal Black Panther? why, no less than Chiwetel Ejiofor.


good ol' butler Jarvis? Bob Hoskins


sicko and cowardly Williams brother Grim Reaper? make a toupee for Christopher Meloni!

geek goosebump moment: when the Avengers, battered yet unbowed, burst through a wall, and Thor snarls: "Ultron ... we would have words with thee!" Cena better nail this good.