whatever do you mean, Mr. Parker?

oh, that a-one! probably one more reason why we love your T-Bolts run.

playing raft

drive-by readings

Thunderbolts #147 (Marvel) "Scared Straight" Jeff Parker Kev Walker Frank Martin Albert Deschesne Marko Djurdjevic (cover)

what we learned: well, well, well, i was wondering when's the first jailbreak attempt going to happen, and Parker didn't waste time. coinciding with the visit of those crazy kids from Avengers Academy, power goes down in the Raft and every jailed loco wants to take advantage. but unlike the event that spawned the New Avengers, this one has the good guys firmly in control. even "Warden Cripple" proves he's not useless when getting a few licks in.
oh shit moment: more like awesome: Luke Cage goes back and gives the Purple Man one more reminder why he should just sit in his cell like a little girl and not mess with the man called Cage.
what's next: did something happen to Crossbones? what's with Juggy's sudden sense of warped justice? and when's Fixer's gonna be outed?

well, somebody's been playing Doom since 1993.

snaps: Thunderbolts #145

... where we find that it wasn't really Baron Zemo that showed up, it was just the Fixer. oh thank goodness! after being humiliated, the new T-Bolts go on their first mission: to find and capture some runaway Asgardian Trolls, who apparently have been spending too much time on the Internet that they're crashing forums and message boards.


yes, and those smelly geeks and nerds at comic cons too!!


how the hell can he drink and punch at the same time now?


uh oh. traitor alert!!!


imagine what would happen if Moonstone got torn in half by the Hulk!!


Juggy suddenly wanted to eat some dirt, then take a nap.


have you met the Ghost, the floating high tech garbage can?

snaps: Avengers The Origin #3

... where the Hulk joins the circus, and pretends to be a robot. then gets punked by ants. and then faces off against a wasp and another ant. and a tin man. meanwhile, Thor goes back to Asgard to open a can of whup-ass on Loki.

you mean this world?


and what are you implying, Reed? WHAT??


stop the presses!! Jan actually knows more words than "fashion" and "cute"?


no? well, how about from a cowardly lion? or a brainless scarecrow?


if you're scared of clowns, this is much, much worse.


see, kids ... this is why we shot him to outer space ...

thunderous

drive-by readings

Thunderbolts #144 (Marvel) "The Boss" Jeff Parker Kev Walker Frank Martin Albert Deschesne Marko Djurdjevic (cover)

the Heroic Age/Avengers relaunch books have been outdoing themselves in the past week. Secret Avengers #1 trumped Avengers #1, and now Thunderbolts #144, with Luke Cage leading the new team, just one-upped Secret Avengers.

Cage has been put in charge personally by Steve Rogers, of rehab/redemption of the wayward superpowered denizens of the Marvel U, and that's a tall order even if Cage has been on the wrong side of the law numerous times (technically, does that include his time with the resistance Avengers during the SHRA?). i'm pleased that ex-Thunderbolts that did display the propensity to reform (Songbird, Fixer, Mach V) are still in the mix, and i hope it stays that way. if not, you can just scrap this program.

just like the Avengers lineups, the new T-Bolts are intriguing. the choices weren't 100% Cage's choices, but then it would be great to see them all work out. especially this guy:


and this guy:


the need for a team tech still falls on the Ghost who sort of straddled the fence in Siege and now has been given another chance. the inclusion of Crossbones is a much convoluted one, as the selection committee wanted to have someone to be the polar opposite of Cage so the others would stay away from. huh? so why is he even there then? betrayal seems to be in the air down the road, especially when the Red Skull comes back (you know he always comes back).

i'm surprised no one has used the (mind-bending) Man-Thing before for teleportation purposes - Osborn didn't see the need except to chop him up for one reason or another. i guess he regenerated himself somehow (did that happen during Frankencastle?). i wonder what happens if he refuses to cooperate. "Man-Thing tired today. go use a chopper."

though am not sold of adding Moonstone (again!) with the group, especially with her new duds that confuses her with Dagger or Emma Frost, i guess they need some kind of energy wielder with some psych background. i hope they all have spinal bomb implants, because when they all decide to go rogue (even more than Sarah Palin), Cage will be in big trouble.

Jeff Parker has hit his stride with the Thunderbolts at the tail end of Dark Reign/Siege, and now he's cranked it up another notch. not only does he give a nod to Busiek/Bagley's Thunderbolts #1 with his last page reveal, his choice of characters are definitely at the least odd and at the most dangerous. the point is to put the readers on edge on every single issue and i'm looking forward to that.

snaps: Avengers: The Origin #2

... where we continue the revamped Avengers' origin for the new kids on the block. Rick Jones' Teen Brigade sends out the call and they came answering: Thor, Iron Man, Wasp (the real one) and Ant-Man (now the gay ass Wasp and calling himself Earth's Scientist Supreme). the target of the manhunt is of course, the mizzandustood Hulk. the puppet master behind the scenes is of course, the same whackjob doing the same thing through the years, Thor's brother Loki. and that's as far as this issue goes, because any action that happens only Thor's addled mind.

no, Virginia, this was even before World War Hulk.


where Jan made her reputation. no wonder Hank Pym slapped her.


yes, thou shalt not mix thy metaphors, sly one!


Tony Stark's greatest fear, crushedinacanitis.



didn't white people use to say that about non-whites? bravo, Jan!

snaps: Thunderbolts #143

... where we find the current iteration of T-Bolts make their final choices based on their convictions, and two of them (three, if you count the conflicted Ghost) actually help out the good guys, in a way. for one brief moment, you believe rehab will work. next up: Luke Cage.

i'm surprised Frank Simpson's not the Teabag Party mascot. yet.


Paladin's first heroic act since Avengers #271. wait - he was trying to score with Jan. dammit.


and now you're good for something, you jerk.


Pietro pwning Mr. X, while Wolverine couldn't? get out!!!


cue in the lonely Hulk music when Bill Bixby does the hitchhiking thing.

snaps: Ultimate - New Ultimates #1

... where we find Jeph Loeb continuing his massacre of the Ultimate Universe in the attempt to out-Millar Mark Millar, and possibly even @Not_Mark_Millar. by the time this ends, i won't be surprised if there were no Ultimates left. tell you what: if you keep Frank Cho on the book till its inevitable critically-panned conclusion, i'll keep reading it.

"and we created fake Twitter accounts too!"


"Linda"? "asian"? is it Linda Park??


and after this conversation, you're still a coward.


you think this happens in the 616? maaaaaaaybe.


is it that time of the year? yeah, spring is in the air!

let's see how this plays out - Hela gets a son, but she also secretly empowered and sent the Defenders to grab Thor's hammer. in the end, Thor would be useless to her as her child would now be the Thunder/Death God. but how does Loki figure into this joke again?

he ain't Daken

well, the claws were a dead giveaway.

so this is Jimmy Hudson, son of the late (Ultimate) Wolverine. for now, he's got his dead dad's healing factor, and the bone claws. as an added bonus, he can coat the claws with liquid steel. next issue, he's gonna sprout feathery wings, show a modicum of telekinetic ability, turn into a snowcone machine, and shoot laser beams out of his left eye.


so ... X-Man or Mimic?

/Ultimatum sucks, and they're perpetuating it. thanks a lot, Jeph Loeb.

well, it wasn't Osborn but ...

Agents of Atlas 1, Thunderbolts 0.


/just so you know, that was the Headsman.
/who got it in the head.
/gotta hand it to you, Jeff Parker.

-----
Thunderbolts #140

snaps: New Avengers Annual #3

... where the Epic Failure Known As Clint Barton is rescued by a bunch of chicks (the return of Jessica Jones to superheroing!). also, Norman Osborn needs to change the locks of his house now that the Red Skull is back. sorry, did i say Red Skull? i meant Steve Rogers. or whoever is inside that blue-eyed, blonde, all-American hunky body.

1) yes, make jokes. we need to change your codename to Fail.


2) also, do they really have the real Hawkeye in custody, or is that the Abominable Snowman?



3) they're just right there flying around Brooklyn, and you can't find them? bring back Tony Stark, ya loser!!


4) Carol washes the dishes .... with her gloves on (yeah, she's sensitive to Dawn).


5) the Red Skull wants you. to buy Siege. all four issues. and their 2nd and 3rd printings. and the variants. and the trade.

drive-by readings: Secret Warriors #7/Thunderbolts #135

Secret Warriors #7/Thunderbolts #135 (Marvel) "God of Fear, God of War"/"Black Widow vs. Thunderbolts" Jonathan Hickman/Andy Diggle Alessandro Vitti/Miguel Sepulveda Sunny Gho/Frank Martin Dave Lanphear/Albert Deschesne Jim Cheung/Justin Ponsor/Francisco Mattina (cover)

Marvel's improving somewhat in keeping their stories straight in recent years, and these two are a nice example of that (thank the editors). after the revelation that the Thunderbolt Black Widow Yelena Belanova was really the original, Natasha, the rest of the Thunderbolts have come after her and erstwhile T-Bolt leader Songbird. a crossover with the Secret Warriors was necessary because ol' Nick Fury himself put Natasha in that position to spy on Norman Osborn. unaware they were being trailed by the always-heinous Ant Man, Black Widow demonstrates to Songbird why the new Yankee Stadium is one overpriced magilla. too bad, Fury appears and they're all captured in one swell foop by the T-Bolts and presented to a gloating Osborn (previously hired by now-i'm-dead-now-i'm-alive Baron Strucker to kill Fury). but don't despair, True Believers! prior to this, Fury activates Agent John Garrett, and if we know Papa Nick, he's always two or three steps ahead of everyone else. even if he gets shot in the head. wait, ... what?!?

drive-by readings: Thunderbolts #134

Thunderbolts #134 (Marvel) "Songbird vs The Thunderbolts" Andy Diggle Miguel Sepulveda Frank Martin Albert Deschesne Francisco Mattina (cover)

if you think about it, the Thunderbolts concept germinated this Dark Reign thing. villains masquerading as heroes - Kurt Busiek's fantastic first issue reveal is still one of the best thing of '90s comics. things have come full circle as you got Norman Osborn's Dark Avengers enjoying the spotlight and popularity ratings, and the rest of the criminal horde do as they please in the background. it does seem quite ironic now that the original T-Bolts (less Zemo, less Moonstone, who's still on the bad side) look to be the good guys (must be all that Hawkeye training huh?). now Songbird is on the run from the psychos of the new team, but fear not, kiddies, Uncle Nicky has something up his sleeve, ain't that right, 'Tasha?

oh and maybe, its just the coloring and all - but isn't Norbert Ebersol a WHITE NERD DUDE??? so how come he's looking like a leaner Luke Cage eh?

drive-by readings: New Avengers #55

New Avengers #55 (Marvel) Brian Michael Bendis Stuart Immonen Wade von Grawbadger Dave McCaig Albert Deschesne

maybe it's just me, but i've been largely a fan of Bendis' work. jumping from (excellent) to Daredevil (excellent) to Avengers Disassembled to House of M to Secret Invasion and now, Dark Reign, i mean the man has the Marvel U in the palm of his hand, just like the X Universe resided in Bob Harras' head during his heyday. and all these stories that can be told, all the rich tapestry of characters in the 616 that you can tap into - its mind-boggling just to string them all together and make them react to the new world around them, instead of taking the easy way out and inventing new characters and gloss over what the existing ones might do. purists might still find continuity glitches somewhere but you can't deny the ambitiousness of remaking the Marvel world as we know it. this is why Norman Osborn is on top, the villains have taken the reins, and Tony Stark is out there clean shaven and penniless. this is why Spider-Man and Hawkeye have to argue about whether to kill or not. and who would think D-listers like Chemistro and Jonas Harrow would have what it takes to smartly take down the (not-Dark) Avengers? by the way, Ms. Marvel/Carol Danvers is alive and well here so those who are reading her proper title, its kinda bit late. now, if i had a bone to pick with Bendis, i'd ask him: where's the one guy that could totally sway power to either side? where's Owen Reece? did i miss him somewhere in your master plan?

Remy? Remy, is dat you?

Gambit is now the new Sorcerer Supreme!



actually, no ... that's Brother Voodoo. who's actually Remy LeBeau in blackface.

-----
The New Avengers #53

godot never arrived

after you tease us with this:


you end up with friggin' press con:


and they never even fought! yeah, because the Dark Avengers went over to Latveria to get their asses handed over to them by Morgan Le Fay. that wouldn't have happened if they got roped into fighting the real Avengers. that's the explanation! way to go, Bendis!

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New Avengers #50