dirty ol' butler

whodathunk??

with the sheer power of the Batcomputer (ugh), its not impossible to conclude that Alfred has amassed a sizable porn image nest egg!

the other scary thought here is, is Batman smiling because he thinks Alfred is merely jesting, or he's privy to old man Pennyworth's habits and checks his database from time to time? (remember he can remote connect to his systems wherever he is)

----------
Batman: The Dark Knight #2

miles away

this is my take on the whole New Ultimate Spider-Man brouhaha, and also intertwined with Midtown Comics' contest on getting your mug on an upcoming issue of the 616 Spidey.

antipodal proof by Prof. Aaron

if you don't believe him, check this.

----------
Wolverine #9
story: A-
art: B+

stiff little things

i have started a small collection of statues almost a year ago. its only been recently that i found the space where to put them, but even then it all seems temporary. when you live in a rented apartment, everything is temporary. i hope to have a better place to put them if life gives me the chance to get our own place. so far, my collection is dominated by the, ehem, DC Cover Girls (don't ask). i don't have the money to burn for $300 Iron Man statues, so i pick my spots. i also have to find the time to properly photograph them for showoff purposes. i really want to go crazy on Bowen busts but technically, i don't have one yet.

recently, i grabbed a couple of those 4-to-5 inch Marvel UK figurines over at the neighborhood Midtown Comics. i learned that these babies were full of lead and are not really for sale here in the US (officially). to get around that, they sell each figure with its companion informational magazine, so basically they are selling the publication along with the figurine. just don't have your kids handle them, and wash your hands when you're done playing them. oh well. the store had slim pickings, but i think i corralled the best of the bunch. here's Drax, which seems to be his recent badass incarnation in the Annihilation/Guardians of the Galaxy series, not that dumbo with the cape from the '90s. the Hulk isn't the only mean green lethal machine in pants.

in honor of the Thor movie, i grabbed his Korbinite blood brother, the one and only horse-faced Beta Ray Bill. this was slightly taller than the Drax figurine, and looked elegant enough for its size bracket. i wonder if he'll ever make it in the sequel though. even just a cameo would be awesome. now that i'm done taking shots and posting this, i think i need to go back to the store and grab a few more ... for $15 each i don't think you can't go wrong. again, just wash yo hands after holding them. if you don't wash your hands out of habit, your mama raised you wrong. Drax says so.

Wolverine and Magneto will never be friends

adamantium-pulling and stabby-stabbing are not the easiest of faults to forgive.


just to remind you of the bigger picture here, you may be looking at the next member of the Uncanny X-Force.

-----
X-Force #9
story A-
art B 

prom here to eternity

Avengers Academy #13, where we have the Red Skull dancing with another long-lost daughter!

kidding aside, this is a sweet issue, as the new Avenger kids have their first prom, and chaperoned by Hank Pym and Tigra. how time flies! wasn't it just long ago that Hank was boinking Tigra? wait, that was Skrull-Hank. i mean, wasn't it long ago that young Tigra was hanging out in the WCA? actually that had no bearing whatsoever. other comments:

• Speedball. DJ. "Take My Breath Away". awesome. (double awesome for Young MC. i hope it was "Bust A Move".)
• the gym where the prom was held was probably a self-repairing one, because with at least three altercations occurring during the dance, the punch bowl seems to refill itself.
• this is the only time Mettle (why did they design him to look like Johann Schmidt? why??) can boast of breaking Iron Man.
• Justice - Firestar = me sad. me love Kurt Busiek Avengers run.
• in a team, there should be a maximum of ONE character with "BALL" in his codename. Hardball and Speedball, duke it out in the corner. 
• there should be more interaction between Marvel characters ("Marvel Team Up", anyone?). example, Striker and Hellion could meet up and out-jackass each other.
• did they design adult Reptil to look like Humberto Ramos? because uh, his name is Humberto? (i love me some Humberto Ramos!)
• Katy Perry+prom = "Firework". what, no "Peacock"?? aw, c'mon!
• finally, Real Hank + Tigra = sexytimes.
• apropos to above, Jocasta may have something to say about that. and that word may be "Ultron".

story A-
art B+

we're not worthy

... because some other people have been chosen, not us.

er... how is Juggy, i mean "Kuurth" (is that like Steve Kurth, or Kurse as pronounced by a someone with a lisp?) going to see out of his helmet, if the holes are kind of nowhere near his eyes? that probably explains why the Juggernaut kept breaking things, because he can't see where the hell he's going!

oh, and he can't break anything metal now, can he?

Fraction should have just called Hulk "Nul, Breaker of Scripts and Programming Code" but i digress. why invent new villains when we can just co-opt Marvel's powerhouses and make them mind-controlled baddies eh? if you have a breaker of worlds, then why would you need the other six?

i guess the letter N made her new nickname much tougher-sounding rather than a T ("Skirt"). and i heard in the original script it was written as "Skirn, Breaker of Balls", but then Editorial got into the picture. anyhoo, Titania seems destined to break the male populace, but would that include her longtime daddy-o, Crusher Creel a.k.a. The Absorbing Douchebag? apparently Creel would also be having a hammer of his own, and he will be dubbed "Crul, Breaker of Chicks".

is that Attuma, or is that Attuma? and why is he breaking oil pipelines? shouldn't he be breaking fiber optic cables so as to disrupt Internet service globally, hence sending about half of its denizens into a frenzy because they couldn't Tweet or update their Facebook pages? i tell you, online deprivation is a huge FEAR!!! hah!!!

Fear Itself #2 unveils a bunch of "The All Father's" stooges, and indescribably puts the world under attack so quickly that the Avengers seem overwhelmed or unprepared. we all know the Asgardians just up and left (i think Odin's still hiding something - "The All Father" is his evil doppelganger?), but seem to think that the best option is literally a scorched Earth policy. the story still seems too fantastical at the moment (shades of Fraction's World Tree storyline over in Thor) and not too grounded like earlier Marvel events. i love Immonen's art (with longtime inking partner Wade Von Grawbadger) in NextWave, and here he's kind of switched up to serious mode. 5 issues to go, and hopefully, there's more meat and potatoes next ish.

you know who's going to save the day, right? right??

The Man Without Fear. Hal Jordan.

illegal immigrant gives up citizenship, breaks Internet

ah, the brouhaha that comics cause nowadays. the medium has gone a long way from merely sending conservatives into a frenzy because it allegedly poisons the minds of kids. oh, wait. we're still in that era, aren't we?

it has been awhile since Supes has made a blatantly political statement (hmm, we should probably count his "Walk Across America" campaign last summer). basically he's leaning closer to Batman's politics. not so much, but closer.next stop: Batman, Inc.

and what does Marvel have to say about this?

nahh, that's Glenn Beck masquerading as the Thing. we all know Benjie's a hippie and moved to France (let the surrendering jokes commence) during Marvel's Civil War.

----------
Action Comics #900, FF #2

Spidey and his Fantastic Friends

FF #2 "Doom Nation"
Amazing Spider-Man #659 "Fantastic Voyage, Part 1 of 2"

and here i thought these two were linked story-wise; turns out its not. i totally enjoyed both anyway.

right after the drafting of now-accomplished nerd Spider-Man as Johnny's replacement, Jonathan Hickman surprised me by bringing Doom into the equation. well, not really because this was hinted back in earlier issues. i just thought he was going to join the Future Foundation as a tenuous member, a la Magneto in the current X-Men. maybe he still is, because he's not one to miss an opportunity to tout his intelligence (at least by the end of this issue). however, Reed should be more worried about Valeria (whom Doom named, in her revised origin), who seems to be getting or causing more trouble than Franklin when he was her age. she's probably too smart for her own good.

even as distracted as Reed can be, i don't think he would easily forget that was how Tony Stark came back to his proper senses in the recent Siege. oh well.

so, dumb-as-a-rock Doom ostensibly made a deal with Valeria to help him recover from his brain damage and be back to being the scumbag genius that he is, and they manage to do so, by copying some files from Doom ward Kristoff's own noggin. interestingly, Reed makes the moral if difficult decision to go along with it, even when given the chance to get rid of his longtime arch-enemy permanently. and what's the price Valeria demands? for Doom to defeat her dad. uhhh, what?

super-nerd Parker, also not a fan of Doom, at least is honest about cracking jokes regardless.

there's more to this than meets the eye, though. the next issue's preview show the return of the well-meaning yet blinded Reeds, and maybe that's what Doom needs (or Valeria wants Doom) to beat.

over in Spidey's own book, the foursome take a journey to an island they had visited early in their original incarnation, where Ben played Blackbeard the Pirate and get some gems back to a tiger-stroking Doom (heh) who had Sue as a hostage. anyway, some radioactive anomaly is emanating from this island and geeks just need to investigate radioactive anomalies.

funnily, with the attack-happy locals exercising their fear of strangers, its the FF's reputation that saves them (or is it the other way around). Dan Slott and Fred Van Lente continue their knack for snappy hilarious patter, which makes me wonder why they didn't get them to write Spider-Man a loooong time ago.

ending up fighting zombie pirates (eh?), the fun gets doubled as Benjie reprises his award-winning role, courtesy of Mr. Parker's quick thinking.

just like over in Avengers, we see that our heroes end up cleaning after old foes (think Spidey's rogues gallery ... his best baddies, minus the Goblin of course). with the promise of more ass-kicking, errr ... booty-kicking next issue, i can't wait!

FF story: A-  art: A-
ASM story: A+ art: A

Avengers 12.1 (a quick read)

oy! when did Hawkman join the Avengers???

a bookend to Brian Michael Bendis' relaunched Avengers run (because really, Twittergate notwithstanding, who knows what the man wants to do next? he's becoming a multimedia giant now), the Avengers find themselves cleaning up after old enemies, and running into an even older one that doesn't seem to know when its time is up.

is that War Machine or his cardboard cutout or Iron Man's hologram reflection?

the ballbuster pays a visit to our assembled heroes (i swear to God, this is the one thing they should have done a long time ago before Bendis, but it took them several long years to setup, what with the crossover stories they concocted up along the way - and it was all worth it, seeing everyone under the Avengers banner, even Banner). Jessica Drew, Agent of S.W.O.R.D., disappears during one of her alien-hunting jobs and now Agent Brand has to involve the whole team (just like she did with X-Men with Breakworld - twice). wah-wah-wah. and nobody informed Steve Rogers of her agency?? yeah, they were all busy. i'd be pissed too.

"and i am boinking her. also."

long story short, Jessica runs into an alien armor (it gave me hope that it would be a three-letter word - but it turned out to be six); however, the location is also where the sad-sack bunch of super-nerds, the Intelligencia (last seen being mopped on the floor in the pages of Hulk) are hiding. so what do a bunch of super-nerds do when they see a woman? why, undress her of course!!

i believe she did shave prior to going out on a mission.

Steve sends out selected personnel to find the missing Jessica. Iron Man would be there of course. and Thor. Beast. Wolverine (for tracking). and Space Ghost Penis, the Great Protector. Iron Man, in particular, trying his rein in his smugness after doing the noble thing of "wishing the Infinity Gems out of existence" (hah! tell that to Steve - oh, you did??), still fails miserably.

yes, Tony ... you are.

the Intelligencia tries to get info out of their naked lady prisoner, at the same time trying to figure out what that alien armor is all about. but before they can even reveal their plans to Jessica (yeah, Bendis - that was heeee-la-rious) ...

... our heroes burst in and save the day. Wolverine though, for all his posturing, doesn't even get to lay a claw on anyone. Best There Is, my ass.

can someone tell me where Thor put his cape?

so, all's well that ends well, right? no, not really, because all the poking around by D-list Iron Man villain Red Ghost results in the armor gaining sentience, and revealing itself to be ... Henry Pym's SON! (yeah, again.)

of course, that's a battle for the future. Iron Man himself said so. he knows! he's seen the future! (except Planet Hulk, Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, Siege ...)

what the hell happened to Hank's head? headshrinker!!

the Point One issues were aimed to be a nice jumping point for new readers, and they've succeeded largely to a degree. they even provide entertainment for us older fans, hence blog posts like these. if i have a complaint, its the frightening devolution of Bryan Hitch's art. he's known for ultra-detailed widescreen action splash pages, but in recent years, that's been a painful thing to see. to get his best work, it should not be under a tight deadline. oh dear.

whatever do you mean, Mr. Parker?

oh, that a-one! probably one more reason why we love your T-Bolts run.

if there's something strange, up in space ...

... who you gonna call?

BALLBUSTER!!!

 sorry, Abigail Brand may be a ballbuster, but you need to call the X-Men. i just needed to make something rhyme.

after mostly ignoring Joss Whedon's later-than-never-yet-deliciously-good Astonishing X-Men run, the X-writers co-opt it well, what with the return of Kitty Pryde (thank you, Magneto), and now an angle of what happened in Breakworld post-arm-breaking by Colossus. maybe there will be a resolution to Kitty's permanent phasing too?

Kieron Gillen, whose brief Thor run i did enjoy immensely, is off to good start.

-----
Uncanny X-Men #535

DC hates beetles

i guess this is the end of the road for the current Blue Beetle, who dies by the hand of Max Lord. again.

here's a thought: let's revive Ted Kord by the end of the year. and by 2012, have Max Lord kill him again.

of course, this could be a red herring. its too obvious, isn't it?

by the way, you mean one of the weaknesses of the Beetle armor is right on the forehead? geddouddaheah!
-----
Justice League: Generation Lost #19

why is Fantomex swinging from a web and hanging with the F3?

because that's not Fantomex, idiot. that's your friendly neighbor Spider-Man (who went from zero groups to two majors - next up, X-Men and Guardians of the Galaxy). and Jonathan Hickman's about to wow us even more (like he hasn't already with S.H.I.E.L.D.)

gotta hand it to you, Arthur

i still don't know where Brightest Day is headed, but just to keep our attention from meandering from the meandering series, they give us some (regurgitated) shock and awe. in 2028, some other villain will use telekinesis to rip off Aquaman's hand once again.

the Devil makes work for idle hands, while God cuts them off - wait, what?

Peter and Tony, sitting on a couch

and with this, we say Amen to the Pandora's Box opened by Civil War (God bless its soul).

bring on Herbie! not.

bye, Johnny. see you next year.