you hit like a girl! #5

hey, its been a while since we had one of these. we gotta change that!

in this episode, we rely on an young reliable: X-23 (and an old one: Yuriko, a.k.a. Lady Deathstrike). this fight scene appears in the pages of New X-Men #45, right in the middle of the Messiah CompleX crossover.

was there any doubt that Deathstrike's time has passed? (i guess this means Kelly Hu won't be invited back for reappearances any time soon)

X-23 is proving herself to be quite the worthy successor to Wolverine in case he hangs up the claws. if you don't believe that statement, here's a couple of scenes from the latest slobberknocker between the X-Men and the Marauders (and X-23 is part of the dirty ops squad now known as "X-Force", only because as writer Ed Brubaker said, "there's no 'X' in 'Warpack').

for the record, that was the brain-tossing, power-warping Korean jerk known Scrambler (real name Kim Il Sung - go figure). but since these dopes have been cloned by Sinister time and time again, X-23 has a real shot of doing it all over again.

while i was out ...

gee ... did i miss a lot? i sure did. i even missed the one year anniversary of this blog. damn. well, it'll never happen again, 'cause there will never be another first year anniversary LOL.

i got a lot of catching up to do. and so far i've learned that ...

... Grifter is back.
but as usual, i don't know what the hell's going on with the WildC.A.T.S.


... She-Hulk cavorts with a Skrull

Jen's been trying to find herself since World War Hulk. not sure if you can "find yourself" by hanging out with someone who shapeshifts. and will this blow up in Jen's face by the time Secret Invasion arrives? most likely.

... Loki is a woman!

well, reborn as. and with that 'born again' thing, he/she seems to have turned a corner and is behaving himself. but with Dr. Doom in the background (and a mysterious serpentine thing), it won't be long till someone misbehaves.

... Binary is a Brood toy.

pretty Barbie doll Carol Danvers, experimented on by the Brood? should i even mention the hentai possibilities of that concept?

... the Hulk is now red.

and a murder suspect. how is this so? Bruce Banner is locked in an underground bunker. the clues point to loser sidekick Rick Jones.

... a Green Arrow is broken

Connor Hawke, aka Green Arrow's son, falls in a rescue of his pop from Amazons, so he can consummate his matrimonial duties with Black Canary. talk about a performance letdown. well, we won't be attending the funeral, 'cause there isn't one. Connor is just brain dead. darn.

... the one, true Atom has been found!

Ray Palmer, the key to the upcoming Final Crisis, has been found by the Outsiders hanging out in one of the 52 Universes. to be honest, i think i have a multiverse overload. it was bad enough prior to Crisis on Infinite Earths, then they had to do 52 (even though i grudgingly admit it was a well-defined gimmick). now with Countdown er, ... counting down ... there'd better be a great payoff here ... you hear me, Geoff Johns??

... the murderer of New Gods is revealed!

well, as of this writing, its a ball of sparkling blue energy. which tells us zip. or am just a fake fanboy because a true one would know who the hell this is by now. i don't care, just get it over with, and make sure to bring Big Barda back, because its not only Scott Free who's a little lonely (if you catch my drift). and oh, you can kill off the sanctimonious/pompous ass known as Metron.

... Ra's gets PWND. totally.

what's one step below cloning? a Lazarus Pit, of course, which gives you all the chances to keep holding off the Game Over sign. Batman did get dunked into one, enabling him to kick Ra's Al Ghul's ass once and for all, no matter how many bodies he keeps transferring his essence to. but do you think keeping him in Arkham will last forever? i smell another future crossover ...

... Ares has a crush on J-Drew.

Spider-Woman rejoins the Avengers to draw out the potential Skrull within their ranks. what she drew out first was something else (-snicker-).

... porn stars write comics too!

Jenna Jameson, who recently announced her retirement from the adult industry (collective groan), apparently dabbles into other things, like writing funnybooks. Shadow Hunter is a derivative fantasy book about a girl with a Hellish legacy and a big sword. sound familiar? speaking of familiarity, fans should just be content with the multiple alternative covers and posters depicting Ms Jameson from hereon, because she currently does not look like that anymore.

... demons = bad; angels = worse.

as Ghost Rider learns; he's being manipulated (ho-hum) for other nefarious ends. doesn't stop him from handing the devil his butt.

... Mike Mignola loves beating up Nazis.
and for good measure. here's to more Lobster Johnson in the near future. Indiana Jones who?


... Mongul Jr. = Yellow Pencil > Green Sword

owing to the events in Sinestro Corps War (a kickass space opera crossover, and highly superior to Marvel's Annihilation: Conquest), the son of Mongul comes into possession of a yellow ring, and aims to collect a few more. when he does, watch out, Green Lanterns!

... J. Michael Straczynski + The Twelve = Awesome Reading
a superhero whodunit that pays homage to Astro City, '60s Marvel, Alan Moore and Agatha Christie. not to be missed.


... Ultron + Phalanx = now i'm awake.

sorry, but the sequel to Annihilation seemed to plod along until it was revealed that Ultron now controls the Phalanx (much better than controlling Tony Stark, i guess). it got by with the glib personality of Peter Quill (i'm waiting till Nova rejoins the main story ... or maybe not) and the lesbian loving between Moondragon and Quasar.

... Nova is sidetracked by love in the time of disease.

fighting the Phalanx infection and eluding Phalanx-co-opted friends, Richard Rider and his trusty AI sidekick Worldmind have been missing from the main event. hope that changes soon.you hear me, Messrs Abnett/Lanning?

... Salvation Run is fun!!
all DC villains get dumped on alien planet; pretty soon, they are divided between Luthor and the Joker. fights ensue. this is much more entertaining than Countdown: Arena.


... and so is Thunderbolts, who are unraveling as i write this.
Venom is loose and hungry, Andreas Strucker/Swordsman is pulling off a coup, and T-Bolt head honcho Norman Osborn just went nuts (you got it - Goblin time!). good times.


... Havok never learns.
fighting another alien race alongside his long-lost villainous brother, Vulcan, it doesn't take long before Gabriel turns on Alex. to his credit, Cyclops would have fallen for it as well.


... Bucky is the new Cap!!!

yeah, yeah, yeah ... we saw that coming a mile away. but how to segue it in smoothly without looking forced? we see the genius of Ed Brubaker at work. after a successful (and controversial) resurrection and death, everything's coming full circle. bravo, Bru.

... Iron Man has many layers

and let's not hope he's not a Skrull too. that's too easy and it makes my head ache. the Knauf Brothers' penchant for industrial skullduggery and high tech mystery is a gripping read, and we hope the pot boils over in an action-packed showdown with the Mandarin. soon, because we're all itching for some Iron action (May 2 is still too far away).

... Messiah CompleX is even more so.

with too much betrayals and upenders and cliffhangers on every page, the most enjoyable X-Crossover in years has me on the edge of my seat. too many questions, and we await all the answers with bated breath.

... there's a new X-Force in town.

or as they call them: Sniff/Hack/Slash. Cyclops' secret weapon has been unleashed to go after Cable and do the dirty work against the Marauders, but all it got them so far was a dead Caliban. tsk tsk.

... the Stark hubris is prevalent in any universe.
stories from the Ultimate universe never fail to pique my curiosity, and with Tony Stark trying to find out what makes Bruce Banner tick (hey, Banner asked!), the outcome may not be so ... quiet.


... Atom Eve is reminding me to start reading Invincible.
or else.


... Peter and Mary Jane break up!!!

just to save Aunt May from eternal rest (not to sound heartless, but ... whyyyyyy?), the Parkers make a deal with the devil and the resulting Brand New Day storyline has most old school fans up in arms (simmer down, the Clone Saga was worse). so we find Peter with no memory of his previous life with MJ, and the whole thing is aimed to gain new readers, but at what cost, Joe Q?

... MJ becomes a superheroine!
i'm still scratching my head over this - i hope this is all isn't some kind of hallucination. i kinda like Greg Land.


and last but not least ...

... Adam Hughes still draws pretty pictures.
just for the heck of it (and a subject of a future post on all my favorite creators).

on hiatus

deck the halls ...

and yada-yada-yada. from us here at D.T.G.N., happy holidays to all!!!



in case you're feeling generous ...

tripping the force magnetic pt. 5

a last look at a '90s classic ... if we can call it that.

Fatal Attractions
Excalibur #71 "Crossing Swords"
Scott Lobdell/Ken Lashley/Darick Robertson/Matt Ryan
Cam Smith/Randy Elliott/Randy Emberlin/Mark Nelson

the cover for the last chapter of Fatal Attractions is indicative of what the '90s comics were evolving into - exaggerated musculature and poses, and the bigger breasts, the better. man, these guys work out a lot! look at Colossus' abs! his waist must be like 24"! his legs are like sequoias!

one thing that bugged me was that V on the Acolytes' unis. what does it mean? victory? five? peace? shouldn't it say 'M' for Magneto? this harkens back to the Voltes V/Mazinger Z cartoons. why does Voltes V have an 'M' on his chest (which becomes the cross guard of his laser sword), while Mazinger Z had a 'V'? what the hell, man. as Bill Simmons would say, i need to know these things.

ok, back to the program.

the story so far is Magneto is back from the dead (that phrase will still be uttered even by the time my grandkids are like 12) and on a recruitment drive. despite only bagging Colossus (and a couple of young mutants, Rusty and Skids), he makes life miserable for our heroes, dismantling Cable, and sucking the adamantium out of Logan, not to mention all those people who died during his initial display of power with an EMP.

a few of Magneto's Acolytes, like Spoor (Spoor? what the hell is his mutant power? hair growth?) below have been imprisoned by the X-Men for rehab. the locks look faulty because here we are, seeing him locked in mortal combat with Nightcrawler, in the driving rain of Muir Isle.

yeah, you know he'd fart out loud in a full elevator.

my sarcastic question is answered: Spoor's power is to emit pheromones to enhance anyone's emotional state. that would go well during family reunions and domestic disturbances. he's usually questioned during murder cases in CSI and Law and Order.

apart from that cheery incident (Spoor escaped because Excalibur forgot to lock the door), everything else is cheery. that is, until a visit from the (real) X-Men sends everyone to the liquor cabinet.

Professor Xavier thinks Peter's decision to up and leave can be tied in to a previous head injury (sustained at the hands of that loser X-Cutioner) and with the death of his sister, made him lean towards the Magster. so they want to perform a lobotomy on him ... well, kinda. but they have to lure him back to Earth, and so what better bait than his ex-, Kitty "You Can't Touch This" Pryde, a.k.a. Shadowcat.

Kitty consents after some drama, and a fake message about wanting to join the cause is emailed to Avalon (what? of course its "themanager@avalon.com". there wasn't any email then? really?). by the way, be careful about sending fake emails; you could get into trouble. seriously, dude.

the jerk Exodus, who couldn't prevent his master from being mind-wiped, assumes control of Avalon and thus Colossus has to ask permission for him to bring Kitty back. hey, i wonder how Exodus' voice sounds like. he has this special dialogue balloons that seem to imply he talks in sinister, gravelly tones.

of course, somewhere over the Southwestern desert, the man/cyborg who was recently dismantled by Magneto intercepts that same message, and he thinks correctly that Colossus is being set up by Excalibur and Xavier. i wonder why he thinks though, that he needs to show up, if he has some scores to settle with the Acolytes. why not just go back up to Avalon and kick their butt, given that Magneto is no longer a threat (or doesn't he know that)?

oh what big teeth you have, Nathan

or its just an excuse to have a family reunion (at this stage, it still has not been confirmed that Cable is Cyclops' long-lost son).

speaking of which Jean confides to a daughter she instantly had, about wedding plans in the future (yes, that's the classic X-Men #30). she'd have more time to talk with Rachel about this, if only because of Professor X's proclivity of butting into people's conversations and lives at the wrong time. what if Scott and Jean were having sex? damn telepaths!

look, he's even vaguely smug.

Cable's attempt to inject himself unobtrusively totally fails, and he comes face to face with his (as yet unconfirmed) sister.

pointing guns at kin - yep, that's one happy family

Colossus teleports in (well, i guess someone repaired the systems in so short a time - that was probably a hell of a bill), and talks to Kitty, who in turn, tries her best to win the Oscar for 1993 ...

... just enough to provide her mates to collar Colossus, who of course sees it as another betrayal. what part of "no" do they not understand? i don't wanna be lobotomized! leave me the hell alone!


elsewhere, there's at least one who agrees with Peter, and wants to kick his ass as well. to do that, he's willing to kick his family members too. was Cable raised by white trash (a.k.a. Britney Spears)?

being also someone who's been time-tossed like Cable, Rachel manifests a Captain Britain persona and calls him Askani'son briefly, which stuns Cable into behaving a bit. that, and a psionic sucker punch. which means the mystery of these relationships will be addressed at a later date.

surgery commences for Colossus, courtesy of Cyclops' eye beams. i wonder why he doesn't do this more often - construction work, laser research, that kind of thing. oh that's right, those bastard evil mutants doesn't leave him a free day in his calendar. damn.

this issue would be too boring without some sort of mutant slugfest (fisticuffs between kin and friends included), so the other Acolytes make an appearance to ehm, retrieve Colossus, but with all the intention of slugging it out with anyone who even disagrees with them verbally. good thing Kurt knows a thing or two about verbal. ol' Nightcrawler is too much of a handful for Acolytes. without Magneto, these sheep are stuck in kindergarten, as i said.

even Scott lends an ... eye. very useful in peace or war. he's a hit with the chicks (yes, i'm talking to you, Emma).


and what of their newest sheep? ah well, he seems cured.


... but he's still leaving. not that he's ungrateful and all, but ...

this is generally the weakest of the issues in the crossover, though it provides an amount of closure to the "Angry Peter" period. we all know he wouldn't last long with those zealots. the best thing Fatal Attractions provided is a new direction for Wolverine, and that Magneto mindwipe stunt begat Onslaught - a huge, huge crossover event that involved the whole Marvel Universe, completely broke our trust in Xavier, and allowed Rob Leifeld to come back to Marvel (even if we knew he was gonna stink up the joint and wasn't gonna last long either).