Tuesday, July 7, 2009

blast from the past: Uncanny X-Men #7

back during the day, the X-Men were just five teenagers being trained by their bald mentor to find their way in the world (read: fight evil mutants while learning calculus and philosophy). given the dangers the formerly-esteemed Charles Xavier subjected them to, its a wonder he has not been charged with reckless endangerment. wait, he got his comeuppance already. with a sigh of relief from parents everywhere, Scott, Jean, Hank, Warren and Bobby all graduated at least. that was the last time Xavier had a full graduating class.

right on the heels of their graduation, the Prof takes his leave (what? after years - or was that mere months - molding five rambunctious kids into pillars of society, he deserved a break), and leaves the school temporarily to Scott. Scott learns of the existence of Cerebro, which Xavier actually says he has no need of *, because he's that gangsta, but it will be needed by Scott. as to why, well, our Kojak telepath had probably some inkling that the Blob would return and menace them. just to mess with his new graduates, he leaves them up to the task of stopping him as a graduation reward. jerk.

* this condescending attitude towards his machines resulted in Cerebro, and even the Danger Room, eventually gaining sentience and demanding payback. way to go, Professor!

so Scott feels a little sorry for himself, and declines an invitation to party from the other four (the caption says "early the next morning" - you think the Irish can drink? Westchester mutants rule!). he's so depressed he calls the machine "Cyberno", and just sits in Professor's room all day, waiting for the goddamned thing to beep. and then just after he slides toothpicks between his eyelids, the goddamned thing does beep.

and our intrepid Scott bursts into action! grabbing hold of his iPhone, he scrolls down the contact list, and taps on Warren's face ....

shit. wrong decade.

sign-out book? you think people tell the truth when writing where they're going? Bobby's probably said "Madame Tussaud's" but he really went to Hooters. ok, wait, they all went together. and hello, hasn't Xavier thought Jean Grey to be mind-linked to everyone? oh, that's right, he only reserves that telepathic communication between him and Jean! creepy old perv!

well, why did Cyberno, i mean, Cerebro give out an alert? well, it all started with this costumed loon visiting a carnival.

yes, Magneto is blatantly walking among the masses in a carnival. this is just after taking over the (fictitious) island nation of San Marco just awhile back. yes, nobody cares. they probably don't even know where San Marco is.

anyway, he goes and recruits the Blob - which is not among his best ideas ever, because foresight was never his strong suit anyway. previously, the Blob (the movie version never lived up to expectations) almost defeats the X-Men if not for the Professor stepping in and placing mental blocks on him to forget those events. then by a stunning sequence of coincidental events seen only in a Michael Bay movie, the blocks are jarred loose in an altercation with Magneto! what are the odds!?!

joined by their new, if reluctant-to-play-team-ball friend, Magneto gathers his "Evil Mutants" (still with the now-i-can't-think-of-them-but-incestuous Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver), and actually calls out the X-Men! he even tells them where to meet. what are they, 12 years old?

if that wasn't stupid enough, the X-Men raise the bar by flying to meet the Master of Magnetism in a helicopter!!! oh, dear God ... you call these homo sapien superior?? of course the chopper lasts as long as the tickets to the Michael Jackson memorial.

now Magneto can't allow them to claim the Dumbass Championship Belt now, would he? of course not. first, he throws torpedoes at them. failing to hit any of them, he protects himself by having the torpedoes revolve around him. chicken. now i wonder why Warren didn't just zoom down directly from above.

it turns out that all Magneto wants is to have all of the X-Men grouped in one spot so he can kill them at the same time. well, dummy, shouldn't you have held their chopper in place, then fire all your torpedoes at them? instead, Fred Dukes takes the brunt of the blast, foiling Magneto's brilliant plan and once again proving that supervillains in the '60s were among the dumbest of all.

he rants that he got everything figured out, and the Blob was in the way. but just before throwing the torpedoes at them, he dismisses the presence of the Blob as collateral damage. congratulations, Mags, you deserve your ass to be handed to you every single time (at least up to the early '80s).

and what the hell is this Magna-Car you speak of? surely it is not one you stole from Reed Richards and repainted it or something?

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