Monday, November 30, 2009

oh, oh, i see what you wrote there, Larry Hama!

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
budget: $170M
US gross: $150M
total worldwide gross: $300M *
approximate DVD/BD sales: $65M *

i dare you to present me a critic who makes that much money. so who's laughing now?

* does not include lost potential income from torrent downloads, and pirated copies in Canal St. and Southeast Asia.
G.I. Joe: Origins #9


to wash yourselves off from the previous post:

what happens if Tommy Monaghan crossed universes and was reincarnated as a Marvel Ape? you get ... Hitman Monkey!!!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

feast your eyes!

and by 'feast', i mean gouge your eyes out. i will now break out the Captain America: Heroes Reborn books and die a slow death.

/falls into a 'Pool of own puke

why Invincible is the best comic around

where else can you have good old fun by punching supervillains named ... Dinosaurus?

not to mention every comic ends with some sort of a cliffhanger. Robert Kirkman manages to nearly knock every issue out of the park, and with an art team that is consistent with its output.

Lady Gaga loves Guardians of the Galaxy

... because it provided her with this inspiration!

you have to thank the Valentinos, Jim and son Aaron, for this one.

really? Taserface?

Guardians of the Galaxy #1 (1990)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

snaps: Thor Giant-Size Finale

... where we come "Full Circle" and do facepalms because we knew right from the start that Loki was going to pull this kind of shit eventually. why can't the Asgardians see that?

1) bowling ball headgear is hot in Asgard right now.

2) and also, pay-per-view. especially those that star Volstagg.

3) DoomBots have harddrive wipes a la cyanide pills. awesome!

4) Bill Killed! (i just wanted to say that. sue me.)

5) and that image will be burned in my memory for 72 hours at least. argh.

absolut emo justice

if it involves Ollie totally throwing down against Carter (broken arrows, scattered feathers, blood everywhere), i'm in! [via Newsarama]

snaps: Gotham City Sirens #6

... where Paul Dini and Guillem March provide some subtext with the imagery. judge for yourselves.

1) right on the opening page, we get a midget rubbing himself against former Joker lover and sexualized court jester Harley Quinn. sure, he wants to kill her but come on! Verne Troyer would like to be cast in this movie.

2) "Jenna Duffy" - doesn't the name sound a little too ... hmmm, porn-ish, perhaps? if that's not a subtext, does her work van have to be depicting the wench riding a pipe wrench? (hah! "pipe!")

3) whooops. an adult midget and a teenage boy wonder. draw your own conclusions. ("bring down"? from the looks of it, "go down" might be more appropriate)

snaps: New Mutants #7

... where its back to high school for the original New Mutants, with a lot more bitching, yelling, demons, zombies, rivalries, and decapitation.

1) and don't forget Saddam was his boyfriend! (what? am sure she watches South Park!!)

2) hey, Jetstream! do you want it whole, skim, 2% or half-and-half?

3) hmmm. the 'exclamation mark' could also denote a remark line. which basically means none of your 'actions' would be executed.

4) ah, DougLock. always the best of friends.

5) Bobby learned from Bernard Pollard. yup, he did.

6) the correct answer to that is: DUH.

Friday, November 27, 2009

snaps: JLA #39

... where the barely-Justice League of America celebrates Black Friday with their dead friends.

1) no, i was thinking along the lines of Robocop and Six Million Dollar Man, but that's just me.

2) once a rapist, right? and why is he called "Curry"? isn't he "Arthur Light"? oh! oh! did somebody not perform his editorial duties??

3) Z has a creepy father. yeeechhh.

4) Paco Ramone, you have just been chosen to join Zombie Menudo!!!

5) Z has leprosy!! (these backward pronunciations are getting annoying)

James Robinson is going for shock. Mark Bagley's art seems shoddy compared to his Ultimate Spider-Man and even Thunderbolts days. too bad, because with this issue, JLA seemed to regain some traction it has been losing of late.

Roy Harper got greedy this Thanksgiving, and ...

no, you did NOT just write that, James Robinson!!

snaps: Blackest Night #5

... where everyone has a grand old time with dead people.

1) ok, who was the joker in the cave then???

2) your name is Bartholomew Henry. you're 53 years old. you're kinda old.

3) i believe she was referring to this.

4) i'd wager its the second, Mr. Jordan.

5) oh, shoot ... here we go again!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

break it down again

drive-by readings

Invincible Iron Man #20 (Marvel)
"Stark: Disassembled Part 1 - Counting Up From Zero"
Matt Fraction
Salvador Larroca
Frank D'Armata
Joe Caramagna
Patrick Zircher/Marko Djurdjevic (variant covers)
oooooohhh, maaaaaaaaaan.

this is where i feel Matt Fraction and Salvador Larroca are finally hitting on all cylinders - the breaking down and rebuilding of Tony Stark. not that it hasn't happened before (and that one time it was incredulous and the premise was kinda skating on thin ice). this hinges on all the crap that's happening in the Marvel U and makes sense that the disabled body of Stark be entrusted to his estranged compatriots.

Stark executes his final plan to prevent the misuse of his data and tech by Norman Osborn by wholly sacrificing himself, but by leaving himself in a 'persistent vegetative state' (can you imagine Natasha wiping off his drool, and thinking about how she used to have exciting times with this man of action? and then she notices Bucky looking at her. awkward.), he leaves the door open for his comeback (of course! did you not read the advance hype for next year's Seige?), complete with instructions on how to reboot him. its been done before; question is, should the heroes do it? well, of course they do. this is Stark making the sales pitch of his life. i'd like to see this translated onscreen by Robert Downey Jr. it'd be friggin' pitch perfect (pun intended).

let me put in a few spoilers for you (you know you want it) - in his final moments as a public official, he already knows what's going to happen, and he already thought of a solution. and he even starts by self-deprecatingly admitting he's an alcoholic. whooops. anyway, what i liked is his insistence on not apologizing for everything that happened before today - the Civil War, Steve's death, sending the Hulk to space, his ascension, the Skrull invasion and now his impending doom with everyone else hiding in shadows. he doesn't have that much of an answer for the way the bad guys are carving them up save the splitting of their ranks, and he's sick of it (who isn't?). though there is a sense of uppity smugness here, that he seems to think this Osborn problem won't be solved if he's not brought back. again, the Stark ego seeps in somehow. he sort of pulls back in the end, but you get the gist.

and just when am getting buoyed and reinvigorated by Stark's final recorded message, like i'm being inspired to fight the final battle against the forces of evil for the fate of the world, i get thrown a curveball with Pepper asking why is it that only Tony gets to come back all the goddamned time (wait, didn't Tony bring you back too?). still, she's right. damn you, Matt Fraction, damn you.


when and where did we see this before? ah, last year!

obviously, the server's assets are much more preferable than that turkey!!

happy thanksgiving, geeks! remember the Native Americans who lived here before you!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

snaps: Realm of Kings #1

... where a hole in our universe leads to our ass.

1) Dr. Gruenwald can't come to the phone right now. he has left the building. or he's just relaxing amongst the pages of the classic '80s Squadron Supreme TPB.

2) Wendell Vaughn, relationship coach.

3) apparently, the Vision has concealed something else rather poorly.

4) witness ... the heart transplant technique of the future!

5) gaze upon the Abyss that is the Thunder God's face. (and while you're at it, a No-Prize to tell me what "FTAGHN" means)

6) what did i miss? how does this ersatz Quasar know about Dr. Gruenwald? (who contrary to what was stated above, has not left the building)

what Conan thinks of what YOU think:

Conan the Cimmerian #16

Monday, November 23, 2009

snaps: Batman - Streets of Gotham #6

of bats and sluts and invisible men, and false gods, and faith. Chris Yost makes the most of his guest stint.

1) yes, just like his rodent avatar, Batman crashes thru windows upside down. wait, what-?

2) Helena Bertinelli is still hotbloodedheaded in 2009.

3) what i said. slut.

4) when you invent something of military value, either the government misuse it or the real bad guys take it from you.

5) first time i've seen a priest have balls since Jesse Custer.

wait, he called you a slut, Helena! are you gonna let him get away with that??

snaps: X-Men vs Agents of Atlas #2

... where the time-honored tradition of fighting before simple diplomacy is in full effect. (actually that describes around half of superhero comics since 1938!)

1) cat? i thought he was a dog?! or a horse?!

Q: What do you call a bunch of Hank McCoys?
A: The Blue Cat Group?

2) Namor: "that insolent remark will cost you thirty lashes in our next tryst. when is that scheduled, by the way? am not sure we should do it in Utopia."

3) how do you say "get a room!!!" in Atlantean?

4) speaking of feelings, here's some creepy ones along the lines of cyber-telepathy.

5) oh, i see what you did there, Jeff Parker, you clever man you.

6) lookit! it's Cyclops without his visor or any eyewear!! isn't he handsome?? (this would qualify for a No-Prize, except that its in the astral plane or some plot device which anything is possible)

7) see, there's always a way to stop Wolverine (short of a Muramasa blade).