Friday, May 30, 2008

fashionably gay

that could've been a longer skit ...


what th-? why is he running from ninjas? and where's his shirt? does Daredevil know about this?

although i like the stress ball part. and the sai thru the crotch. ouch!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

haterade (is it in you?)

half and half (stuff i never finished til now)

Fantastic Four #280-281
"Tell Them All They Love Must Die"
"With Malice Towards All"
John Byrne/Jerry Ordway/Glynis Oliver/John Workman

Secret Wars II #2
"I'll Take Manhattan"
Jim Shooter/Al Milgrom/Steve Leialoha/Joe Rubinstein

back when John Byrne was still the John Byrne, he had a stellar run on Fantastic Four, one of the highlights being this two-part classic (with the conclusion happening in the Secret Wars II crossover).

it all starts with the foursome returning to Earth from another adventure and finding the Baxter Building literally gone. crowd control becomes messy and soon the cops are putting on the Gestapo act. supporting character Wyatt Wingfoot gets a baton in the face for his trouble. some things never change between the red man and the white man.

at this point in their history, the Four have welcomed She-Hulk (hotshot attorney and Bruce Banner's cousin Jennifer Walters) into their ranks, with Ben Grimm taking a leave of absence (into his own solo series), Johnny was dating the blind sculptor Alicia Masters (the Thing's ex), and their costumes have taken a dark blue hue.

the riled-up crowd is no coincidence, as the evil Psycho Man and the Hate Monger have been working behind the scenes to ... do what? destroy the FF of course. why else would they be stirring up this crap?

why, the Hate Monger seems to have taken a page from the Skrull World Conquest Strategy Guide and uses it to their advantage.

but i bet Suzie could tell if she asked 'Reed' to stretch his ... y'know.

anyway, the real Reed is over at Avengers' Mansion and learns of a 'hate'-oriented pamphlet making the rounds of the city, which instantly arouses his suspicions. i bet those pamphlets were produced by Fox News! quick, check if Bill O'Reilly's mug is in them; he can't resist the publicity.

wait, was this Jarvis already a Skrull at this time?? juuuuuuuuuuuuuust asking.

meanwhile, She Hulk has been arrested by the cops for defending her boyfriend Wyatt by assaulting them, and the paddy wagon she's been hauled in has been intercepted by ...

She Hulk, being the paragon of the law that she is, allows the opponent to cast the first stone, then returns the favor.

too bad, it doesn't work, and this Malice uses oddly familiar powers to defeat our resident powerhouse.

a few panels later, we learn why those powers are "oddly familiar"!

yeah, Suzie looks hot in that collar. spank me, baby!!

Johnny, on the other hand, does not look hot with his dated haircut (well, it was cool back in 1983!!!)

you never had to fight martians before? we should have a FF/Justice League crossover. or Johnny vs Marvin.

Reed deduces that the pamphlets are of alien origin, thereby blowing out our Fox News conspiracy out of the water. wait, Bill O'Reilly is a fucking alien anyway! whooops, don't let Limbaugh or Dobbs hear that.

the Hate Monger basks in his victory, as New Yorkers take to the streets and against each other. this was around 18 years after Watts, 14 after Stonewall, 5 before Tompkins Square Park and 8 before Rodney King. well done, jackass.

even Daredevil doesn't escape the hate. not only did they assault a handicapped person, they called him a jive honky. a jive honky?! please enlighten me.

Johnny and Alicia discuss the disappearance of Sue, which coincided with the appearance of a 'Reed' (the real one being with Johnny at that time). Brian Bendis probably read this issue too.

Reed and Johnny encounter Malice, and Reed, not recognizing his lovely wife (i guess he never uh, put a collar on her before), realizes he can make a spiny pufferfish impression. hurts though.

Daredevil lends a hand ... well, more of a feeling, and his conclusion is also not a recommended answer when your wife asks you if she is fat.

a possessed Susan makes short work of our heroes, and no amount of convincing seems to get through her. well, its Daredevil's fault, calling her a "lump" and a "shifting spheroid". combine that with PMS, and you better pray, boy.

but let's give Reed some credit for knowing what hand to play, despite what they say about antisocial big brains. yes, if the wench wants it, give it to her!

and thus order is restored in the universe. or maybe not. i bet Reed kept the costume later.

i don't see the point why Byrne didn't conclude the storyline here, because they had to finish it off in the Secret Wars II crossover, a flimsy excuse to put all Marvel characters together to defeat up some world beater. its actually a tradition.

these events coincided with the arrival of the omnipotent being called the Beyonder, who was responsible anyway for the first Secret Wars. with chaos reigning in the streets, the FF somehow turn the tide after regaining Susan, and for all of the Hate Monger's power, he's actually a pussy. oh my lord. you don't say.

and to add injury to the insult, he's assassinated by the D-list loser Scourge (who was also going about killing his fellow D-listers in the Marvel U).

it turns out this Hate Monger was just an android creation of the Psycho Man (imagine creating your own pet. its kinda like Tamagochi). booooo. Psycho Man escapes, allowing for more tales to be told (and money to be made).

nice start, weak finish.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Baroness flipping the Law

really? really?? is this for real? is there no stopping this train??

well, it looks like Sienna Miller has bagged the role of The Baroness, and am not the only one who disagrees with this casting choice.

off the top of my head:
- Rachel Weisz
- Kate Beckinsale
- Carrie Anne-Moss even!

well, who knows if the three were approached (especially Weisz, who worked with director Stephen Sommers in the two Mummys, and Beckinsale, who loves leather), but turned it down ... but still!

* i bet whenever Sienna fires that gun, she's imagining Jude Law's face getting rearranged.

if wishes were fishes, we'd be in Sea World. or whatever they say.


why the Joker's hysterical

are you kidding me?

i don't drink milk. milk are for wimps.

i punch wimps in my sleep. and just before.

who thought of this ad campaign?! i'll put the fear in him!

i don't pander to kids.

except if they fight alongside me.

forget that poster.

i'm Batman, and i don't drink milk.

(i'm lactose-intolerant; happy now?)

Monday, May 26, 2008

cliffhanger of the week #17

#10 - Pump Up The Jam

in the Ultimate Universe, not only is Colossus gay, he's doing drugs! he could have kept the second thing secret, except a bunch of steroid-pumped Canadian freaks just came in, kicked their asses, and left with his boyfriend Northstar. now he wants his mates to take the Banshee drug too, and get some payback at Alpha Flight. surprisingly, boy scout Cyclops agrees.
Ultimate X-Men #94 (Marvel)
Aron Coleite/Mark Brooks/Jaime Mendoza/Troy Hubbs/Edgar Delgado/Albert Deschesne

#9 - The God Squad

while everyone else is fighting everyone else (can't be too careful you know), Hercules and Amadeus Cho take the fight where it matters - right back to Skrull homeworld. and with lots of gods in tow. now this should be interesting.
Incredible Hercules #117 (Marvel)
Greg Pak/Fred Van Lente/Rafa Sandoval/Roger Bonet/Martegod Gracia/Joe Caramagna

#8 - Claws to You

back in Gotham, Selina's quick-thinking puts her in the perfect position to take back all what was taken from her. that means we're gonna see a lot of chick kicking ass before this series is over. can't wait.
Catwoman #79 (DC)
Will Pfeiffer/David Lopez/Alvard Lopez/Jeromy Cox/Jared Fletcher

#7 - The Mind is a Terrible Thing to ...

Diana has lost her mind. to an entity that has no soul. now she's fighting alongside Beowulf in a bar full of sword-bearing drinks. Red Sonja ain't got nothing on her. whoopeee.
Wonder Woman #20 (DC)
Gail Simone/Aaron Lopresti/Matt Ryan/Brad Anderson/Travis Lanham

#6 - The Best Laid Plans

a rogue ex-SHIELD agent wants to prove himself and rebuild the Overkill Horn, but the result of his efforts only prove his skillz are inferior to Stark's and the only thing he can do is stir up a lot of shit. by 'shit', we mean the nano robot cloud just made something a lot more creative than Lego.
Iron Man #29 (Marvel)
Stuart Moore/Roberto De la Torre/Carlo Pagulayan/Jeffrey Huet/Dean White/Joe Caramagna/cover: Adi Granov

#5 - Scales of Justice

an old foe come back and its like he's just never exerted himself. now he wants to reorganize the Injustice Gang, which he's the original founder anyway. this also means all the DC villains have returned from that alien planet in Salvation Run (which of course, is still to be detailed in issue #8!). no matter, this time it seems Libra can give the bad guys their hearts' desire. don't let Hillary hear that.
Justice League of America #21 (DC)
Dwayne McDuffie/Carlos Pacheco/Jesus Merino/Pete Pantazis/Rob Leigh

#4 - The Dark Side

the invasion is not so secret anymore, and the only thing going for the good guys is the Skrulls can't duplicate the Sentry's powers, 'cause he's much more diverse guy than anybody else. so they decide to drive him mad. which may or may not be a good thing.
Mighty Avengers #14 (Marvel)
Brian Michael Bendis/Khoi Pham/Danny Miki/Dean White/Dave Lanphear/cover: Marko Djurdjevic

#3 - Old Soldiers

Frank bitchslaps the Special Ops squad assigned to bring him down, but he leaves them alive. infuriated, they track him down again but this time he has lots of bombs and an itchy trigger finger. and he wants to negotiate. just like Teddy Roosevelt.
Punisher #57 (Marvel)
Garth Ennis/Goran Parlov/Lee Loughridge/Cory Petit/cover: Tim Bradstreet

#2 - The Gog Must Be Crazy

so this Gog pretender isn't really Gog, but an avatar of sorts. so when the real Gog shows up ... well, you better make sure you're here next month. these things never end on the negotiation table.
Justice Society of America #15 (DC)
Geoff Johns/Dale Eaglesham/Prentiss Rollins/Alex Sinclair/Rob Leigh/cover: Alex Ross

#1 - Who Lets the Dog Out

a-haha! so its not really Steve Rogers, but its that 50's Cap, who's supposed to be dead. well, if wishes were fishes, blah blah blah. all we know now is the villains are fielding a Captain America of their own, and a presidential hopeful. they keep saying they're neither Democrat nor Republican, but we all know who's the sinister candidate, eh, Hillary?
Captain America #38 (Marvel)
Ed Brubaker/Steve Epting/Mike Perkins/Frank D'Armata/Joe Caramagna

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

back to the future

what th-?!

i say again:

what th-!?!

the New Mutants were good.

Generation X, fine.

Academy X ... New X-Men ... o-kay.

didn't they just recently launch Young X-Men?

with all due respect to Chris Claremont, sir ... is this some kind of deal with the powers-that-be that they keep giving you sandboxes to play in?

since Mr. Claremont's direct access to the characters (in-continuity) he developed in his stellar career (meaning, the core cast of X-Men) has been virtually diminishing, he's stuck doing X-projects that are don't feature the core team (New Excalibur), set in the future or some alternative futures (Exiles, X-Men: The End and this one). i wonder if that's some kind of direct effect of butting heads in the past with the head honchos (hello, Bob Harras) or worse ... he's (gasp!) lost it. and they know it.

this title has been reportedly slated to launch a couple of years ago, but due to health reasons for Mr. Claremont, had been shelved in the meantime. a lot has happened since, and i don't really see the relevance of another 'new kids on the block' title in the always-saturated mutant market (Decimation notwithstanding).

so, what have we got? instead of new characters, we have the spawn of characters that Mr. Claremont is more familiar with, and he intends to build intrigue and drama around them.

Becka Munroe ... daughter of Storm and some ... Savage Land mutate. really. does the Black Panther know about this?? what th-?!

she has claws and fangs and is a kind of a cross between Storm, Feral and a vampire from Humberto Ramos' Crimson.

Pavel Rasputin, grandson of Petey. if we go by this theory, Cyclops' grandchild would also have destructive eyebeams and Jubilee's granddaughter would also be popping fireworks. hy-eahh.

look, he's a dead ringer for the Colossus in the Age of Apocalypse. plus age-wise, Becka would actually be his auntie.

Olivier Raven ... son of Rogue and Gambit (oh, so they finally had sex!!!). but he has Cable's eye, doesn't he? tongues are a-wagging.

he's a telepath (Cable!!!) and absorbs memories too, like his mom. we're not sure if he cooks a mean gumbo or is a cool cardshark, like his dad.

Rico ... son of TBD. can turn things invisible, and is an enigma shrouded in mystery and wrapped in secrecy. if you still don't get it, i don't know what else i can tell you.

No-Name ... now that's even worse. no names, no data.

GeNext is Claremont's version of what the X-Men would have been if they aged in real-time (and Claremont never left $#%@#*&^!@ - i think he's still pissed about that). but this would make more sense years ago.

and then they all get killed off by issue #12.
GeNext #1
"Where Do We Go From Here?"
Chris Claremont/Patrick Scherberger/Norman Lee/Chris Sotomayor/Ed Dukeshire

man in orange tights

oi! this will be so much more FUN than that Prison Break shit.

any takers for the role? casting call, anyone! no, tell Orlando Bloom he's done playing with bows.

Monday, May 19, 2008

the finish line

announced recently (i don't know why am late with these things): the DC Universe goes to toe-to-toe with Mortal Kombatants (ehh) on PS3 and XBox this Fall.

does this mean we should anticipate Subzero ripping out Batman's spine? not even Bane was able to do that.

see the trailer here. what, did they say "tame fatalities"? bummer.

cliffhanger of the week #16

#9 - Hunting High and Low

i'm sure i've read the Huntress' origin before but this one peels off more layers. we learn more about Helena Bertinelli's origin as a victim, a balancing act, an apt student of violence, and now, a nemesis of the Sicilian police.
Huntress: Year One #1 (DC)
Ivory Madison/Cliff Richards/Art Thibert/Jason Wright/Sal Cipriano

#8 - Charles Is Not In Charge

what do you mean, Mike Carey? Mr. Sinister has been manipulating the Charles Francis Xavier since he was a kid? the bald eagle and mentor of mutants everywhere? are you shitting me? that makes Essex the actual founder of the X-Men! sacrilege! sacrebleu! (yes, Gambit is in this issue, mon ami.)
X-Men #211 (Marvel)
Mike Carey/Scot Eaton/Brandon Peterson/John Dell/Andrew Hennessy/Dave Meikis/Frank D'Armata/John Rauch/Cory Petit

#7 - Waiting For a Star

this is my new favorite series. getting their first mission off the books was easy. the next, investigating a temporal anomaly that seems to put Captain America in their proximity (comic characters never die), is a little more complicated.
Guardians of the Galaxy #1 (Marvel)
Dan Abnett/Andy Lanning/Paul Pelletier/Rick Magyar/Nathan Fairbairn/Joe Caramagna

#6 - Pulp Fiction

why do we bother when these characters have healing factors? they beat each other to a pulp and an inch, but that inch is enough to make 'em keep on tickin'. i guess we just love to watch a good lickin'. and depicting a good lickin' is what makes Jason Aaron rock so hard! but of course, there's a cliffhanger, although it does seem anticlimactic.
Wolverine #65 (Marvel)
Jason Aaron/Ron Garney/Jason Keith/Cory Petit

#5 - Mercy Mercy Me

embarking on a rescue mission to rescue fellow Lanterns, Kyle, John, Guy et al, run into a planet that's been transformed into one Black Mercy greenhouse, courtesy of that nice fellow Mongul. check it out quick, 'cause the title of this book's about to be changed to Green Lantern Corpses.
Green Lantern Corps #24 (DC)
Peter Tomasi/Patrick Gleason/Drew Geraci/Prentiss Rollins/Guy Major/Steve Wands

#4 - I Was Only Dreaming

a fantasy issue (what isn't?) where Sonja deals with her demons (e.g., all the jerks she gutted in her entire comic book career) and it turns out she's been taking a lot of shrooms and crack. wait a sec ... isn't that ol' Death himself?
Red Sonja #33 (Dynamite)
Luke Lieberman/Homs/Vinicius Andrade/Simon Bowland

#3 - Gone Daddy Gone

should we spill the beans? that Rick Grimes is dead? oh shit.
The Walking Dead #49 (Image)
Robert Kirkman/Charlie Adlard/Cliff Rathburn/Rus Wooton

#2 - Armored War

as if being punk'd by Doom wasn't enough, Tony has to contend with a bigger asshole - his pops! and with Mephisto watching with popcorn. good thing the ol' Stark brain finds a way out of hell, and just in time to go mailed fist against legendary sword with Doom. yes, the ugly one got Excalibur.
Iron Man: Legacy of Doom #2 (Marvel)
David Michelinie/Ron Lim/Bob Layton/Chris Sotomayor/Artmonkeys

#1 - My Super Ex-Girlfriend

guess who's revealed to be a Skrull. wait, make that guess who's a Skrull and posed as the Invisible Woman.
Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four #1 (Marvel)
Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa/Barry Kitson/Mick Gray/Scott Hanna/Paul Neary/Chris Sotomayor/Joe Caramagna