haterade (is it in you?)

half and half (stuff i never finished til now)


Fantastic Four #280-281
"Tell Them All They Love Must Die"
"With Malice Towards All"
John Byrne/Jerry Ordway/Glynis Oliver/John Workman
Secret Wars II #2
"I'll Take Manhattan"
Jim Shooter/Al Milgrom/Steve Leialoha/Joe Rubinstein

back when John Byrne was still the John Byrne, he had a stellar run on Fantastic Four, one of the highlights being this two-part classic (with the conclusion happening in the Secret Wars II crossover).

it all starts with the foursome returning to Earth from another adventure and finding the Baxter Building literally gone. crowd control becomes messy and soon the cops are putting on the Gestapo act. supporting character Wyatt Wingfoot gets a baton in the face for his trouble. some things never change between the red man and the white man.

at this point in their history, the Four have welcomed She-Hulk (hotshot attorney and Bruce Banner's cousin Jennifer Walters) into their ranks, with Ben Grimm taking a leave of absence (into his own solo series), Johnny was dating the blind sculptor Alicia Masters (the Thing's ex), and their costumes have taken a dark blue hue.

the riled-up crowd is no coincidence, as the evil Psycho Man and the Hate Monger have been working behind the scenes to ... do what? destroy the FF of course. why else would they be stirring up this crap?

why, the Hate Monger seems to have taken a page from the Skrull World Conquest Strategy Guide and uses it to their advantage.

but i bet Suzie could tell if she asked 'Reed' to stretch his ... y'know.

anyway, the real Reed is over at Avengers' Mansion and learns of a 'hate'-oriented pamphlet making the rounds of the city, which instantly arouses his suspicions. i bet those pamphlets were produced by Fox News! quick, check if Bill O'Reilly's mug is in them; he can't resist the publicity.

wait, was this Jarvis already a Skrull at this time?? juuuuuuuuuuuuuust asking.

meanwhile, She Hulk has been arrested by the cops for defending her boyfriend Wyatt by assaulting them, and the paddy wagon she's been hauled in has been intercepted by ...

She Hulk, being the paragon of the law that she is, allows the opponent to cast the first stone, then returns the favor.

too bad, it doesn't work, and this Malice uses oddly familiar powers to defeat our resident powerhouse.

a few panels later, we learn why those powers are "oddly familiar"!

yeah, Suzie looks hot in that collar. spank me, baby!!

Johnny, on the other hand, does not look hot with his dated haircut (well, it was cool back in 1983!!!)

you never had to fight martians before? we should have a FF/Justice League crossover. or Johnny vs Marvin.

Reed deduces that the pamphlets are of alien origin, thereby blowing out our Fox News conspiracy out of the water. wait, Bill O'Reilly is a fucking alien anyway! whooops, don't let Limbaugh or Dobbs hear that.

the Hate Monger basks in his victory, as New Yorkers take to the streets and against each other. this was around 18 years after Watts, 14 after Stonewall, 5 before Tompkins Square Park and 8 before Rodney King. well done, jackass.

even Daredevil doesn't escape the hate. not only did they assault a handicapped person, they called him a jive honky. a jive honky?! please enlighten me.

Johnny and Alicia discuss the disappearance of Sue, which coincided with the appearance of a 'Reed' (the real one being with Johnny at that time). Brian Bendis probably read this issue too.

Reed and Johnny encounter Malice, and Reed, not recognizing his lovely wife (i guess he never uh, put a collar on her before), realizes he can make a spiny pufferfish impression. hurts though.

Daredevil lends a hand ... well, more of a feeling, and his conclusion is also not a recommended answer when your wife asks you if she is fat.

a possessed Susan makes short work of our heroes, and no amount of convincing seems to get through her. well, its Daredevil's fault, calling her a "lump" and a "shifting spheroid". combine that with PMS, and you better pray, boy.

but let's give Reed some credit for knowing what hand to play, despite what they say about antisocial big brains. yes, if the wench wants it, give it to her!

and thus order is restored in the universe. or maybe not. i bet Reed kept the costume later.

i don't see the point why Byrne didn't conclude the storyline here, because they had to finish it off in the Secret Wars II crossover, a flimsy excuse to put all Marvel characters together to defeat up some world beater. its actually a tradition.

these events coincided with the arrival of the omnipotent being called the Beyonder, who was responsible anyway for the first Secret Wars. with chaos reigning in the streets, the FF somehow turn the tide after regaining Susan, and for all of the Hate Monger's power, he's actually a pussy. oh my lord. you don't say.

and to add injury to the insult, he's assassinated by the D-list loser Scourge (who was also going about killing his fellow D-listers in the Marvel U).

it turns out this Hate Monger was just an android creation of the Psycho Man (imagine creating your own pet. its kinda like Tamagochi). booooo. Psycho Man escapes, allowing for more tales to be told (and money to be made).

nice start, weak finish.