Monday, June 30, 2008


ok, i'm letting that lardass Harry Knowles have the last word for this Green month.

Man – I never thought I’d see the day that Marvel would actually get their shit, totally together. This is the sort of thing we’ve been screaming for – and now its actually fucking happening and … man, there should be fucking FIREWORKS and tickertape for this sort of momentous occasion. We should be running in the streets and screaming about how we don’t have Universal Healthcare, we don’t have 10% of Arizona covered with Pond Scum Farms creating Bio-Fuel at 35 cents a gallon… but Goddammit… MARVEL is seriously creating a cohesive MARVEL UNIVERSE. There are signs of a bright future.

because those words really make me excited to still be a geek way past the legal drinking/driving age.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

green machine

this geekfest appeared in Men's Fitness (May 2006), with consultancy provided by Jim McLauchlin (ex-writer/editor, Wizard Magazine). its Superhero Survivor, and not everyone will agree with the results. obviously a lot has happened since then.

right off the bat, am not sure, because the Surfer just regained the power Cosmic. although Planet Hulk showed the Hulk could, ... still.

only if they're talking of this Superfriends-version Aquaman, who's a putz. the hook-version Aquaman would stab Diana in the chest just to check if they were made of silicon. ok, ok, Diana by sucker punch.

naaahhh ... not true. Rogue can absorb Spidey's powers temporarily and turn the tables on him. he needs one lucky punch. only Remy can distract Rogue.

i'll admit this could go down Stewart's way, but more so if Hal was the one in costume. plus Cap's dead at this time. duh.

what the hell-? Veronica could have slipped Archie a few Kryptonite pebbles, courtesy of her father's vast connections to the movers and shakers, like, say, Bruce Wayne, no? dumbass.

"tough guy over nerd"? what is this, high school? Mr. Fantastic would neutralize Daredevil easily, if only he could get out of his lab.

i think i'd agree here, but only by a hair. both are rich, well-trained, cunning strategists, and always think 20 steps ahead of the opposition. so i guess the only advantage would be ... who's the most stable and yet has the hottest chick. Storm (Mrs. T'Challa) beats any of Bruce Wayne's chick flavor of the month.

but Wolverine's senses would pick up Wally way before he can get close. Wally'd better make sure he vibrates through Logan's brain and heart, before his body realizes its jogging through China without a head.

did anyone download that porn version of this battle?

that's the "strongest weapon in the universe" for you, but who's asking. anyway, without the will, the 'wishing ring' would be nothing. Spidey's only prayer is to snatch the bling before John does his thing.

again, where's the damn Kryptonite?? chances are, Daredevil would have better odds winning a court case against Superman, than actually going up against him.

disagree. the Panther would figure out a way to slow Wally down. if not, there's always those two frogs.

yeah, forget Doomsday ... Superman would die a second time if he threw the Hulk into that damned planet and Hulk thinks he killed his wife and unborn son. there's a What If for you, Joe & Dan!

uh oh! a fight between two symbolic best friends. i can't even vote on this.

and duh-dun-duhhn!!!! the final battle is ... all green.

Hulk rakes the green!

Friday, June 27, 2008

spies like us

i've always loved Iron Fist, despite his codename being such. i can't imagine a superhero being named Metal Ears (solid?), or Wooden Foot. it sounds American Indian (although my Indian name would probably One-Whose-Blog-Sucks-A-Lot, or just plain Sucks A Lot).

enough of that. let me present the very first Power Man/Iron Fist issue i ever got to read (although i've had a few issues of their separate series during those years as a snot-nosed dirty urchin in the Third World).

"Paths and Angles"
Steven Grant/Greg Larocque/Janice Chiang/Christie Scheele

our two friends have been whoring themselves as Heroes for Hire, with the thought that us ordinary joes should have access to superheroes (for a fee, of course). the concept has been represented well in the '90s (waaay too fantastic) and into this decade (covering the periods during Civil War and World War Hulk). but back then in the flamboyant '80s, Luke and Danny used to walk around Times Square (pre-Giuliani cleanup) and trawling for situations exactly like these:

of course today, you know Iron Fist and Luke Cage deal with worldbreakers with a lot more firepower and rep than Frankie the Smalltime Druggie. needless to say, it only takes Fist two moves to take him down (will ya look at that kick!).

the nun who gets slashed says she doesn't need this crap being slashed in Times Square, she needs to meet with a priest-in-exile before his "enemies" catch up with him (is she referring to kin of the children he molested? juuuuuuuuuuust asking). needlessly to say again, our bleeding heart heroes volunteer for the job while she's taken to the hospital.

what our heroes don't know, is that there's a Sister Act underway.

Fist and Cage wait for the priest, but he mistakes them for trouble (i would too! two he-men enchanted with yellow clothing?) and dives into either the Hudson or the East River (its all muck to me). expect skin problems later. it turns out the priest doesn't seem to be a priest, just like the nun.

and who's the nun? why, no one. i'll let the pics tell the story.

so questions are raised: did she set up the slashing at Times Square, or was that just a timely coincidence? what if Fist and Cage collared the so-called "KGPriest"? (ok, laaaaame joke ... KGBeast is headed this way) now Cage wants something to salve his wounded black pride.

and the hunt is on! at this point, i want you to remember details, dear readers.

first, they stop to watch a movie. ok, not really.

several informers later, the KGPriest meets Cage's fist.

Cage and Fist need to find out who are Skarkov's contacts. tossing the room yields an old theater ticket stub and an invite to the "African Native Arts Museum". which could actually be this one in Queens. because the one in Manhattan doesn't seem like a fancy place. or would have characters like these:

Stoneface doesn't mince words and sics the spy attendees (including a now-freed Skarkov) on Cage. a brawl ensues, which is always the fun in a PM/IF comic.

question: if they took the ticket to the museum, how could Skarkov (secretly freed by the fake nun Vienna) show up in the same place with no problems? does that mean he never needed a ticket in the first place?

there's a funny sequence where Cage engages in a pissing contest with an elephant. and gets his ass handed to him.

Danny meanwhile. does what he does best - ironfisting.

Stoneface escapes, and our heroes are left with a partly-demolished museum. and if you were paying attention, you know why Vienna is here - she's been following them all along.

Vienna drops the hint that she's looking for an auction, and it seems like Luke and Danny are the only ones oblivious to the strings attached to their body parts.

if you were paying attention part 2: the theater ticket was for a theater closed for years - and that's were Stoneface is holding his auction for smuggled goods. Skarkov arrives, but Vienna (paid by his bosses) lets him and most of the spies go. Stoneface goes onstage without an audience, and our heroes, proud of themselves for figuring out the hideout, present themselves to administer a beating.

Stoneface thinks he could get away, but that usually is not the case.

so Vienna gets $25,000 from her US bosses, a relatively-same amount from Skarkov's bosses, another $10,000 from Stoneface ... well, well, who's the bandit in this story? meanwhile, Cage teaches Stoneface the fine art of an American smackdown.

and just when you think you're gonna get paid ...

if you were paying attention part 3: this one's a cold bitch.

Cage and Fist get presumably less than $2000, as a 'standard fee' for heroes for the masses would not be in that territory. they should be called hard luck heroes, and stories like these are a lot of fun - kinda along the lines of the great down-on-his-luck Peter Parker/Spiderman stories.

these two had a rebirth of sorts over the past few years, with Cage getting his due as a heavyweight Avenger and getting the girl (thank you, Brian Bendis), and Danny reclaiming his mantle as renaissance martial artist of the modern world in the hands of Mr. Matt Fraction.

Monday, June 23, 2008

cliffhanger of the week #21

#8 - Son of a Gun

on the dead planet that Hulk left behind, his son also rises. survival of the fittest is the norm as he goes up against the barbarian named Axeman Bone. but we're sure that'll be peanuts compared to meeting up again someday with Bruce Banner.
Skaar: Son of Hulk #1 (Marvel)
Greg Pak/Ron Garney/Paul Mounts/Joe Caramagna

#7 - Demons and Angels

Johnny Blaze is still looking for rogue angel Zadkiel, and his next plan puts him in a prison ward with a bunch of Satanists, but that's the least of his problems. the Deacon just got loose.
Ghost Rider 24 (Marvel)
Jason Aaron/Tan Eng Huat/Jose Villarubia/Joe Caramagna/cover: Marko Djurdjevic

#6 - California Girls

the Birds are in California, putting in new roots as they try to find the mysterious Visionary. on the side, Manhunter seems to have picked a fight with Black Canary. so why did Babs put her on Dinah's trail in the first place?
Birds of Prey #119 (DC)
Tony Bedard/Nicola Scott/Doug Hazelwood/Hi-Fi Designs/Sal Cipriano/cover: Stephane Roux

#5 - Bar Fight

Spidey is on the trail of the notorious Bookie, who's been getting rich takes bets on whatever Superhero event comes up. the end of the trail leads him to the Bar With No Name, which everyone who's got supervillain cred hangs out. danger, danger? they might not give him the same respect when he showed up during the Stilt Man's funeral.
Amazing Spider Man #562 (Marvel)
Bob Gale/Mike McKone/Andy Lanning/Jeromy Cox/Cory Petit

#4 - Low Batt

looks like the gone-amuck Overkill Horn is just half of the problem, as an acquaintance from Tony's past is also the one responsible for the nano nukes that's been going off all over the place lately. plus, he just killed the power supply in Tony's armor. not good.
Iron Man #30 (Marvel)
Stuart Moore/Roberto De la Torre/Carlo Pagulayan/Jeffrey Huet/Andrew Hennessy/Dean White/Joe Caramagna/cover: Adi Granov

#3 - All Star Game

with a stunning combat sequence between Zealot and Batman, beloved characters from two companies are either dropping like flies or turning bad. this could be more fun than JLA/Avengers.
DC/Wildstorm DreamWar #3 (DC)
Keith Giffen/Lee Garbett/Trevor Scott/Gabe Eltreb/Randy Mayor/Rob Leigh

#2 - Futureshock

50 years into the future, evil has triumphed (like we haven't heard that one before), and the Canucklehead is just now known as Old Man Logan, retired, 2 kids and a wife, and getting beat up by Bruce Banner's kids (no, not Skaar). then blind man Hawkeye shows up for a paid road trip - and he's driving. brought to you by the gents who bestowed Civil War upon us.
Wolverine 66 (Marvel)
Mark Millar/Steve McNiven/Dexter Vines/Morry Hollowell/Cory Petit

#1 - High Robot

Dwayne McDuffie's action-packed JLA run kicks into high gear, as the Red Tornado just turned into Amazo! blessed fecal matter!! just when you thought turning back into a cold machine was bad.
JLA #22 (DC)
Dwayne McDuffie/Ed Benes/Rob Leigh/Pete Pantazis

Friday, June 20, 2008

you hit like a girl! #8

hey, i'm always remiss with this series. anyway, this week's girlfight is from the current universe-spanning donnybrook that is Dreamwar. sorry Bat-fans, you may want to turn away.

and the shot of the week:

quick, get a Lazarus Pit!!!!!!!!

from DC/Wildstorm Dreamwar #3