Friday, May 29, 2009

what Steve Rogers can't do ...

... Old Man Logan can!

i'll let the part where he knows the codes to the Iron Man armor and flies it to California (and the fact that it still has juice in it, long after being on display in the Red Skull's trophy room), slide, just for this wonderful Steve McNiven splash page.

bring on the giant-sized conclusion! (also known in the Marvel offices as "k-ching!")

Wolverine #72


Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk ends ... a la the Hulk '70s TV show with Bill Bixby hightailing it on an empty highway.

what, no final issue wanton destruction of limb and property? that too cliche?

Ultimate Wolverine vs Hulk #6
(thank you for that 3-plus years, six-issue series - that saved us a lot of money, you %#$%#@$@%#% shits)

Saturday, May 23, 2009

i don't think this is a good idea.

mashups, just for the sake of being mashups, sound lazy. maybe it was fun in the '90s, but no one's laughing now. well, maybe some. at the ridiculousness of it all.

Superman/Batman #60

Logan ran

well, its been awhile since Wolverine's been challenged (like say, when he lost his adamantium). i mean, if you're gonna put him all over the place (overexposure, i may say), give him some meaningful battles and tough bastards to duke it out with.

like cutting-edge engineered adamantium-enhanced soldiers. just like him. see, you made him run.

out with the ninjas, in with the soldiers.

Wolverine: Weapon X #2

Friday, May 22, 2009

snaggletooth is not dead

what?! so that means Kiki Dunst is coming back for Spider-Man 4?? [People. yeah, People.]

where no 15 year old geek has gone before

... Garth Ennis is taking them there, aye, as long as they even get to purchase this material.

after the tongue-in-cheek sleazy premise of the first few issues, The Boys jumped (or were pushed?) off the DC/Wildstorm wagon because of the material itself. finding a new home under Dynamite, the series continued its narrative on superhero skullduggery and political conspiracies while toning down (relatively) its graphic depictions of the crazy shit that Ennis said would "out-Preacher Preacher". if you ask me, the past year's output has been too talky for me.

now comes (pun intended) its first spinoff, Herogasm, which takes us back to those early days (in tone) of The Boys. in a nutshell, all these (damaged) superheroes (who are technically backed by the military establishment) need their R&R, and what better way to do that than cook up a fake global/planetary crisis ("alien invasion!") and heroically "leave" Earth to deal with it. actually, they just all went to some supersecret remote island, where all the best hookers in the world are waiting. and i don't just mean female hookers.

i started laughing as soon as Homelander (the Superman of this book) made his Hollywood-tailored we-who-are-about-to-die speech - i knew where this was going, and i'm surprised no one has thought of this before. all the heroes we idolize are just frauds and just as fucked-up as the rest of us. they just happen to have superpowers.

according to CBR (by way of Wikipedia), Ennis states that " ... while we're having a pop at the notion of mass crossovers within a shared universe, we're not picking on 'Crisis' or 'Secret Wars' or 'Countdown' or whatever in particular." oh yeah? i think i lost it when Homelander started mentioning "Chaocrisis" and "Covert Intrusion". "Final Fracas"? "Civil Dispute"? heee heee heee.

so where are the Boys in this version of a summer event? right smack in the middle of it, and they're not after a cape this time. oh no, they aren't ...

summer suddenly got even better!!!

Herogasm #1

Thursday, May 21, 2009

hey, leave that DNA-mucking shit to Tony Stark!!!

well, well, well ... what do we have here? the magic X-Men Story Revival continues, courtesy of Matt Fraction.

but why stop there? early in the issue, Cyclops is psychically trapped with all the dead X-people. dammit, just revive everyone and be done with it. i'm already imagining the inevitable blowout between Bucky and Steve Rogers! woooohooooooo!!!!!

Uncanny X-Men #510

that's it?

Dick is Bats? somehow the journey to get to this point now leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

so the Battle for the Cowl was just one big brawl between the former Robins. what was Jason Todd's point? will Robin still be Tim or Damian? Gotham City is like a cross between 2004-2006 Baghdad and 1990s Mogadishu - they should just relocate the people and wipe it off the map (didn't they try once to boot it out of the US during that earthquake crossover?). what the hell. why. what.

i'm blabbering like an idiot. Bruce, heelllllp!!!!

/somewhere out there, Bruce scrawls on a cave wall: "can't help you. busy hunting food."

Battle for the Cowl #3

Saturday, May 16, 2009

anarchy in the UK

or would there be? because Dracula just took over, and everyone should be under his sway.

ok, hopefully we don't get a post-event narrative conclusion a la Secret Invasion.

Captain Britain & M-13 #13

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Frank doesn't hit like a girl

not only that, he has no problem hitting a girl.

imagine doing that to the bitch who cheated on you and dumped you. whoa!

Punisher #70

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

well, aren't we glad they casted Hugh Jackman.

no offense to Big John Buscema, but Wolverine here looks reaaaaally ugly. not the type who would leave broken hearts in every port, in every decade, in any timeline.

Wolverine vol. 1 #1

Friday, May 8, 2009

and now i will burn my copy of Uncanny X-Men #303

for real this time. and also that LegionQuest series.

actually, Legion's too good a villain to pass up. well, actually way too powerful, and that's probably why they killed him off the first time. why, he can make me appreciate this new series by wiping my mem-

huh? where am i? what year is this?

New Mutants #1

never doubt a raccoon

or the writing duo known as DnA.

another stellar issue. this is why we read comicbooks.

War of Kings #3

cover of the week

hell ... why not.

Power Girl #1 by Amanda Conner/Paul Mounts and Adam Hughes

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

love, computers, armors and dinosaurs

bouncing from a comment i made on randomhappenstance (the place to be for action figure humor!), i've been encouraged to revisit that milestone event in Tony Stark's life since he slapped that "transistor-powered" armor on to save his life:

- killed his best friend? (which? Happy Hogan? Steve Rogers? Rhodey?)
- became a Stark raving serial-killing teenager?
- became a Stark raving drunk?
- became US Defense Minister? (a lot of good that did)

nyet to all the above. am talking about rewriting his own goddamned DNA and rebooting his own nervous system. long before Extremis and the deux ex machina it became, T-Stark already hacked his own genetics and with some help, raised himself from the dead. it actually makes more sense than just resurrecting a seemingly-dead character because some god or aliens just happens to have the technology to do so (exhibit A: Colossus). i am eagerly awaiting how are they going to explain Steve Rogers, Jean Grey or even Kitty Pryde, when Marvel brings them back.

how the hell did Stark die anyway? well, if you think about it, it can all be traced back to ... love.

an ex-girlfriend, Kathy Dare, watched too much Fatal Attraction reruns and decided she's not gonna take it. anymore. hey, if i looked like this (see below), i'd shoot myself too.

spinal damage left Tones unable to walk, but not unable to don the armor. oh dear god, how he needs the armor even more. six issues after the shooting, a breakthrough has been found - thank the InterWebz! of course, it wasn't called the Internet yet at that time, and I Can Haz Cheezeburger was still not invented. resident brainiac Abe Zimmer ostensibly did the equivalent of a "Google search" and came up with some small company doing research for biochips that could regenerate and heal damaged nerves. huuuuuuzzzahhhhhhh!

in scoops Stark, buying the company, CordCo. however, ethical issues prove a bit of a snag, and no one at CordCo wants to experiment on Stark. enter Dr. Erica Sondheim, who gets Stark to sign waivers and proceeds to operate on the world's most wanted playboy. do we know if Sondheim is married, single hetero and available or a lesbian? juuuuuuuust asking.

why are all the others looking like they're trying to rip one out ... or worse?

operation complete! Tony Stark can walk again! ladies run screaming after him again!! i mean you should see all those self-pity moments prior to this - Stark being turned down by nubile females once they saw him in a wheelchair? you'd be depressed too. then shoot yourself.

of course, there's more to all these than meets the eye, as we learn that Stark keeps getting blackouts - such as mysteriously appearing in some swanky hotel room with a woman - and it keeps getting frequent ...

... and even worse, when he gets remote-controlled in broad daylight by a mysterious entity, and only some encephalo-thingamajig in his armor saves him. as the reader, we've known for awhile that this "mysterious entity" is one Kearson DeWitt, disenfranchised engineer, teaming up with Stark Enterprises competitor Marrs Corp (the inventors of this killer 1987 single) to surreptitiously gain control of Stark using that biochip to fix his spine. so technically, Tony is trapped (again) in his armor.

fast forward to the inevitable showdown: fed up of being Pinocchio to their Geppetto, Tony and Rhodes figure out the Marrs Corp connection after finally reviewing CordCo's paper trail (that's a lesson, kids: always do your due diligence, otherwise known as homework). Tony brings the fight to them, but Rhodes has to don another armor and help Tony take down DeWitt, who's now in his own armor. but his motivations are never really explained to Tony himself. the consequences of the battle are not good, as the spinal nerve damage gets too severe, forcing Tony to use the armor as a crutch much more than he wants to.

but lo! hope shines from the East. the Chinese government wants to recruit the capitalist tool, Iron Man, to help them fight off a reborn Mandarin, who's already practically taken over their country (imagine that). the Mandarin, resurrected by a floating old man (not David Carradine), finally all has his rings again, and they even have Fin Fang Foom as their attack dog, er, dragon, but he doesn't know his benefactor's agenda. since this was published in 1991, John Byrne doesn't shy away from taking a dig at something that would net falsehoods if you Googled it from China.

under the guise of services exchange, they invite Tony, who of course can't say no when the services involves a saucy Eastern delicacy named Su Yin, who's merely the world's foremost expert on neurobiology (and why didn't Tones run to her the very first time, i have no idea). geeks loving geeks. i love it!

again, at the end of that Dragon Seed storyline, Tony had to team up with the Mandarin, who felt betrayed by the little old man, because the latter turned out to be a huge frickin' dragon himself, and all 10 of them (including Fin Fang Foom) were actually aliens who crashlanded on Earth millenia ago and were the real owners of the 10 rings. huge explosions later, the dragons are gone, the Mandarin seems to have disappeared, China snubs global press media (of course). Tony finds out that Su Yin is married to a paralyzed man (awwwww), but she develops a neuromesh for him to wear to extend his life even for just a bit. Tony goes against the grain and leaves Su Yin because he can't bear taking her away from her husband (that's rich).

being the man of action that he is, Stark doesn't sit still for too long, neuro damage or not. he gets involved in a space war (Galactic Storm crossover), a cold war (taking on remnants of the Soviet empire), and a final showdown with longtime nemesis Justin Hammer (where we witnessed the first appearance of the War Machine version of the Iron Man armor). but all things come to an end and Stark dies ...

... but not before putting other things into play, such as arranging for his body to be cryogenically suspended by his science team, doing legal maneuvers for his company in the event of his death, and - get this, this is the most important part - not telling his bestest and loyalest friend, James Rupert Rhodes, of what the hell was he planning.

with the public knowledge of his demise, a recorded Stark hologram bequeaths Stark Enterprises and the Iron Man armor (not yet called "War Machine") to Rhodes. imagine his glee on that part, second only to the news that his best friend is dead.

that position initially involved doing the day to day management of SE, facing the board of directors, and defending the company from the long line of losers who wanted a piece of Stark (or Iron Man). actually, Rhodes liked a little part of it - firing his greedy ex-girlfriend/SE PR Head Marcy Pearson for starters. then hooking up with Tony's gal pal Rae LaCoste. was there a message being sent out here, considering the former was African-American, while the latter was a blonde bombshell? juuuuuuuuuust asking. donning the Iron Armor for the nth time, this iteration was actually a great character building exercise for Rhodes - he has since been written as a human rights activist free from the encumbrances of corporate interests. that's kind of a wild card if you have a multibillion dollar lethal weapon at your disposal. lately though, they're making him into some kind of Autobot/Decepticon hybrid. WTF!?!

finally, the science team completes their Hail Mary play, the frozen Tony Stark goes through his memories for the nth time (there seems to be an editorial edict that every new writing team needs to spend an issue or two dwelling on his origin), and is elated to find machine code pouring into his central nervous system. its like discovering Lego bricks for the first time. the Technic version.

of course, this would all be much more impressive if writer Len Kaminski wasn't trying to pull a fast one over us, courtesy of the late Michael Crichton. go ahead, click the photo above, then check the link.

dinosaurs aside, this opens the door for a real true blue resurrection (of course Tony's gonna die a thousand deaths more after this), and also a rehash of Tony vs Rhodes circa 1983-1986. i mean, what else do you expect when Rhodes learns of the scam they pulled on him?

to Rhodes' credit, his loyalty to Stark is quite amazing and knows no bounds, considering the shit Stark always puts him through. even Sam Wilson (The Falcon) wasn't this committed to Steve Rogers.

and it all comes back to love. oh yeah, baby.

Iron Man vol. 1, 242-289

merc with a movie

well, this better be Fabian Nicieza/Joe Kelly funny. [via Hollywood Reporter]

Monday, May 4, 2009

"and for my next trick ..."

"... I will become The Sentry." so announced Hercules today, continuing his Powerhouse Impersonation Tour, after usurping the Incredible Hulk title (to rave reviews, natch!) and now aping Thor. [via Mayjah Spoilers]

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Wade says shush ...

... so you'd better watch 'till the closing credits.

yup, i did it, just as i promised a month ago. to be honest, the wife reminded me of the date to watch it, since she had her own ulterior motive: watching Hugh Jackman nekkid (or at least from the waist up).

of course, her first reaction within the opening scene was: where the hell is Rose? (she read Origin and she liked it). i had to break the news to her everything she read was condensed to that opening scene, and the movie won't attract viewers with the slowburn suspense/drama beautifully narrated in the original story (at least not the stroller parent crowd who showed up in the cinema - honest to God, there were babies in every third row). she seemed disappointed.

i don't think its as messy as X3 was, and i bet it will rake respectable numbers (i'll take Jackman over McConaughey and Beyonce) despite last month's leakage disaster. sure i have my nitpicks - the events leading to the formation of the X-Men; Silver Fox and Emma Frost (unless that wasn't her - but why then slyly make her team up with Scott?); Gambit inexplicably breaking up the fight between Logan and Victor, just to continue their own fight; Gambit inexplicably not having a Cajun accent (that was like Bryan Singer telling Tom Cruise to play a WWII German colonel without a German accent) - sure, it sounds like stereotyping but that was part of his appeal, n'est-ce pas?; and a big groan at Deadpool ("Dead Pool" a.k.a. Weapon XI, actually) - who's kind of like the mutant Taskmaster, but only used the powers that were obvious to the audience (was this because Col. Stryker was controlling him, and he conveniently forgot all the other powers in his excitement, or were those the only powers he was compatible with?) - i think i saw Chamber there somewhere - and was that a young Iceman? i'm sure other geeks would have their own list of annoyances.

i thought the wife would be disappointed overall by the time the end credits rolled, but she was actually in suspense for the most part, because i merely smiled at all her questions of whether "is this gonna happen" or "is that gonna happen"? she even led the clapping in the theater.

so there you go. there's no happy ending (you know that by now) - it's in between the battered-but-defiant (think "Empire Strikes Back") and the crap-i'm-gonna-go-home-and-cry-then-attempt-suicide (think "Se7en") in terms of the impact of Logan's tragic life to the layman. it may be far, far away from the now-seminal tome written by the three Js (Joe/Jemas/Jenkins), but it works in a simplified sense. sometimes adapting comic books too faithfully (anybody remember Watchmen?) can have the opposite reaction.

but of course, if X-Men Origins: Wolverine doesn't go #1 for the box office weekend, they'll be sending out papers suing all the subscribers who downloaded the leaked copy. and at that point, i say, run!

update (Sunday pm): CBR says so. Fox execs breathe little sighs of relief. then realize: "that could've been $100M! damn you pirates!"

Friday, May 1, 2009

Count Al should have taken these two ...

... instead of speedy receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey.

imagine Rockslide and Colossus as linebackers. or offensive linemen. whoooooh!

actually, forget that. i'm even tabling my initial annoyance of the return of old enemies just to see how the evil X-Pornstars Divas dismember the X-Men.

Uncanny X-Men #509