Monday, November 3, 2008

X-aggerations

you have got to be kidding. there is no way these poseurs from Heroes barely beat the X-Men. Marvel's merry mutants own these copycats, lock, stock and stinking barrel of genes.

Subzero from Unreality Mag writes a fanboy-centric 'Versus' article, and though it starts well, it goes downhill from there, culminating in a sudden-death win for the X-Men. WTF. universe-crossing my ass. the X-Men he picks are the movie versions, who don't really come close enough to what the pulp versions can do.

since we're here, let's just nitpick through the list (my reactions are based on the comic version, not fucking James "I'm So Lame I Don't Even Die In Battle" Marsden versions). and let's just say, both sides have to fight to the death.



Round 1: Claire Bennet vs. Wolverine; Wolverine wins.
youse gots dat right.
Round 2: Tracy Strauss vs. Iceman; Iceman wins.
ice surfboard? Bobby Drake is one of top 5 most powerful mutants ever. the bitch would be a shattered ice queen before she even gets to pose.
Round 3: Hiro Nakamura vs. Nightcrawler; Hiro wins.
are you suuuuuuuuuure? Kurt's combat experience allows him to teleport Hiro's head off back to Japan before he can even blink.
Round 4: Matt Parkman vs. Professor X; Xavier wins.
Matt would be drooling on the floor before he even realizes he's drooling on the floor. and in his mind, he's beating Xavier to a pulp telepathically. but he's really just drooling on the floor.
Round 5: Nathan Petrelli vs. Angel; Nathan wins.
ok, granted its not Archangel he's fighting. remember the old Angel with a bazooka? with his sharp vision and senses, he can blow this 'Petrel' out of the sky. did Petrelli ever train in a Danger Room? at worst, they'll knock each other out.
Round 6: Super Mohinder Suresh vs. Beast; Mohinder wins.
really? you're pitting him against Beast just because they like injecting themselves with chemicals? why not go against Colossus, and let's see who gets beaten to a pulp.
Round 7: Meredith Gordon vs. Pyro; Pyro wins.
Pyro's not even an X-Man. and he's just a lighter compared to Sunfire. Lockheed might even send her screaming her head off.
Round 8: Arthur Petrelli vs. Rogue; Arthur wins.
the problem here is the Anna Paquin Rogue. the real Rogue (with Ms Marvel powers) would knock his block off, using speed and super strength. at best Petrelli is an amped Mimic. Storm or Shadowcat can beat him, long distance or not.
Round 9: Sylar vs. Magneto; Sylar wins.
oh yeah? ever heard of Magneto's patented "manipulate iron in the blood" tricks? Sylar wouldn't even be able to access his powers. and Magnus (or whoever they're substituting for Xorn I) gave Jean Grey a heart attack. beat that.
Round 10: Peter Petrelli vs. Phoenix; Phoenix wins.
i understand Peter Petrelli (snickering laughter - i guess "Peter Parker" was taken) is the cat's meow of the heroes, a sort of Mimic/Synch hybrid. yes, Phoenix will wipe the floor with him. so will Cyclops, whose power even Wolverine respects. so will Emma Frost, who replaced Phoenix in Scott's bed. heck, put him beside Leech, then have Cable shoot him from a hundred yards away. done.

and the article tries to be cute by putting in the tie-breaker as ... the powerless Ando versus Apocalypse. now you're calling in the comic versions? again, not even an X-Man. hey, wait ... X-Man can kick all the Heroes' butts. the Villains too. singlehandedly.

and to close this, let me comment on that article's opening joke:


um, no ... its because James Marsden sucks. ever read X-Men lately? that's the real Cyclops, and the Heroes don't have him.

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