ultimate alliance

after reading the reissued Ultimates Vol. 2 as The Ultimates Saga, which was from Tony Stark's reflections (and hacking Samuel Jacks- er, Nick Fury's files), they gave out a teaser poster of the next chapter of the Ultimates (Marvel's re-imagined Avengers, for the postmodern 21st century ADD-addled internet generation).

you know most of them but wha-? is that a Valkyrie or is that Valkyrie? you know, the teenager they introduced earlier in the series with no powers whatsoevs.

are we there yet? can i sit down now?

freed from the purview of S.H.I.E.L.D., Stark finances the group and has some new members - the aforementioned sword-wielding bimbo and that kickass dude in a oh-so-difficult pose above. they just call him "The Panther". no T'Challa, no nuthin'.

first order of business: watch a sex tape of Tony and the recently-deceased traitor Natasha (the Black Widow). who made this and why? furthermore, did they watch it until the end? and is there a sequel?

the festivities are interrupted when Venom (huh? what?) barges into the mansion by using Thor as a wrecking ball. darn, its so easy to barge into the mansion these days. security, pfah.

the new Hawkeye (well, the same one, but much more ... suicidal) becomes a cardboard cutout hardass, given that he's already an iceman as it is.

i'm not sure if the inclusion of Valkyrie here was to provide a fantasy setting (flying horse, sword). didn't she sleep with Hank Pym once? and now she's sucking face with Thor? talk about sleeping your way to the top!

speaking of Thor, he seems to have lost his green street cred and is now embracing all the worldly pleasures this mortal plane can offer. and he speaks ... like a Hollywood writer (not the ones on strike).

after disposing of Venom (who was raving about a girl) with a well-placed thunder lightning strike, the team, now with Jan as team leader, tries to regroup, but everyone seems to have their own separate agendas - Tony drinking (tumor problems?), Hank trying to OD (probably because Thor is boinking the sword chick), Cap feeling distant ... and even more so when he gets it that siblings do boink each other (yes, i'm talking about you, Pietro and Wanda). Magneto's children are sick in the head.

talking about these sick puppies, somebody tries to gun them down on a cold wintry morning on Sixth Avenue, and for all of Pietro's speed, somebody succeeds.

seems like there's a conspiracy going on to take down the Ultimates. based on the expanded cover below, they'll be going toe to toe with some "bad" muthers soon enough (is that the Blob?? and Sabretooth? what, were the Ultimate X-Men not good enough?).

though the work isn't a great leap from BattleChasers (and we all hope this run of yours doesn't end up that way either) ... welcome back, Joe Mad.

-----
Ultimates Vol. 3
Jeph Loeb/Joe Madureira/Christian Lichtner