comic book tomatina

with Rotten Tomatoes coming out with its Comic Book Movie Countdown, i thought i'd go through the list and see where i'm at (owned = i have a copy), what i agree with, and what takes me down a notch (stacked against the rest of the geek universe). as usual, i'll try to sneak in a snide comment or two. and i'll try to be honest as possible.

94 Son of the Mask
the worst of the dreck ... probably destiny for Jamie Kennedy.
not owned, not watched.

93 Elektra
wha-?!? how is this worse than Catwoman?
owned. watched. sue me.

92 Catwoman
all that Oscar cachet goes down the drain. someone should have spliced out Charlize Theron out of Aeon Flux and rewrite the whole thing.
not owned. not watched.

91 Garfield
better read than seen.
not owned. not watched.

90 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
somewhere, somehow, a great premise goes awry. no wonder Alan Moore and Sean Connery washed their hands off of this.
owned. watched. copy lost.

89 Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties
not owned. not watched. say, was J-Love in here too?

88 Batman & Robin
out of the ashes of this crapfest, George Clooney became a dreamboat political activist, Ah-Nuld became a progressive governor, Uma Thurman went out and killed Bill, Alicia Clueless became a vegan and Chris O'Donnell's career died on arrival. director Joel Schumacher took two years to recover, and his best years were left in the rear view mirror.
not owned. watched (in cinema). eyes burst in flames.

87 Pathfinder
have no idea what this was.
not owned. not watched. should i download?

86 Virus
not owned. may have seen this (back when we used to rent VHS tapes). no recollection whatsoever.

85 Monkeybone
no one seemed more adept in shooting holes in his profession than Brendan Fraser. he seems to have indulged in more artsy/weird roles than most, crippling what could have been a great solid drama/comedy/action star career. does anybody remember any notable film he made since Bedazzled and The Quiet American (Crash was an ensemble piece)? no wonder they're rolling out The Mummy 3 in 2008.
not owned. not watched.

84 Judge Dredd
not a fan of futuristic police judges. somehow i can't think of this character without thinking of Sly.
not owned. not watched.

83 Alien vs. Predator
owned. watched. just for the heck of it. and the chance to see Sanaa Lathan dismembered.

82 Bulletproof Monk
American Pie in Vancouver! somehow that might have made a better movie.
owned. watched. copy self-destructed.

81 Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
a movie that should be thrown into the sun. or should at least been packaged with mortar rounds used by American troops in Iraq.
not owned. not watched.

80 The Crow: City of Angels
without Brandon Lee, this franchise is crap.
not owned. not watched.

79 Fantastic Four
wha-?? what do you guys want? a script rewrite? yes, let's do that. but please keep Jessica Alba. please. please!

("sir, please step away from the keyboard. now.")

owned. watched. and will keep watching. along with Into the Blue. and Honey. and Dark Angel.

78 Steel
an affront to the character. but in fairness, Steel has only been fleshed out and better written in recent years. this came out of the hype of replacement Supermen when the original Big Blue "died".
not owned. not watched.

77 Supergirl
not owned. not watched. why? let's put in a blonde Jessica Alba and we'll talk.

76 Blade: Trinity
not owned. not watched. but maybe i should. if only for Ms. Biel.

75 Appleseed
not owned. not watched. must download.

74 Tales from the Crypt - Bordello of Blood
not owned. not watched. could make a nice time-killer when bored.

73 The Punisher
wha-? why?? does anybody not like Thomas Jane? or Will Patton? ok, Mr. Garth Ennis, i think you should have taken a bigger hand in the script. two things i'd like to point out: casting Rebecca Romijn as the mousy Joan was a mistake, but i'd watch (almost) anything with Rebecca Romijn; and the fact that the 1989 Dolph Lundgren clunker didn't even make this list is a sigh of relief (it should have been #95).
owned. watched. copy plays once in a while.

72 Ghost Rider
wha-? ok, maybe they should have stolen the current GR storyline, where Johnny Blaze escapes hell and has to kill 666 incarnations of Satan. maybe in the next movie.
not owned. not watched.

71 Superman III
Richard Pryor? fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk!
not owned. not watched.

70 Howard the Duck
only for fans.
not owned. not watched.

69 Spawn
Spawn was the bee's knees back in the 90s. until it dawned on fans that there was no end in sight. didn't they learn from Ghost Rider? only Martin Sheen, John Leguizamo and to a degree, Melinda Clarke (The O.C.! nyahahahaha!) escaped the carnage.
owned. watched. sue me.

68 The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green
eh?
not owned. not watched.

67 TMNT '07
this ain't 1990 anymore, toto.
not owned. not watched.

66 Art School Confidential
finally, something i've been meaning to check out. maybe this Fall.
owned. not watched. yet.

65 Richie Rich
i think i like the books better. and i liked The Good Son better.
not owned. watched. i think.

64 Dennis the Menace
better read than seen.
not owned. not watched.

63 Barb Wire
Pam Anderson's handlers decided she should come out with a sex tape once this movie tanked.
not owned. semi-watched.

62 The Shadow
The Bloviator playing a second-rate Batman? actually Baldwin would have made a great Bruce Wayne. just not the action figure.
not owned. semi-watched.

61 Men in Black II
the best thing about this is the dog.
not owned. watched.

60 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 - The Secret of the Ooze
ninja, ninja rap!
not owned. watched. free tickets, dude.

59 Tank Girl
i missed out on this one. or ... did i?
not owned. not watched.

58 The Phantom
whouldathunk? Billy Zane almost goes down with the Titanic, but Catherine Zeta Jones did go down on Michael Douglas.
not owned. watched.

57 Casper
ehhh.
not owned. not watched.

56 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - The Movie
cowabunga! oh the stupidity of youth.
not owned. semi-watched.

55 Daredevil
note: Bullseye is an over-the-top maniac. Colin Farrell was just doing his thing. seriously, could have been better. and yeah, that Ben Affleck almost-sneer is too distracting. Matt Murdock deserved better. the best thing that happened was when the two leads hooked up and got married.
owned. watched. sue me.

54 Batman Forever
speaking of over the top, only Val Kilmer wasn't like that here. he's actually more confused like he walked into the wrong movie set.
owned. watched.

53 Constantine
not having read the books, i'm still sitting on the fence. but if i could sit through The Fountain, i think i should make the same effort for Rachel Weisz.
not owned. not watched. waiting for a discount somewhere. or maybe i should download.

52 Azumi
interesting. hmmmm.
not owned. not watched.

51 Timecop
somewhere, sometime in the past, i seem to recall this was a date movie. eeewww.
not owned. watched.

50 Blade
was cool at that time. i challenge you not to rock during the blood shower rave scene.
owned. watched.

49 Annie
Annie is for pussies. kidding, Annie fans.
not owned. semi-watched.

48 Josie and the Pussycats
actually beats Blade, Constantine, Batman Forever and Daredevil. a Tara Reid movie. wow.
not owned. not watched.

47 Uzumaki
this reminds to dig up the DVD.
owned. not watched.

46 The Addams Family
i only recall the MC Hammer song. sorry.
not owned. not watched.

45 The Princess Blade
there is such a thing?
maybe owned. not watched. maybe its in my collection, masquerading as The Princess Bride.

44 Blade 2
i seem to recall this had less vampires than a papal congregation. but its Guillermo Del Toro, so why should i resist?
owned. watched.

43 Popeye
puh-leaze.
not owned. not watched.

42 Creepshow
nope.
not owned. not watched.

41 From Hell
why is everyone beating on this? its just one suggested version of the Ripper. and Johnny Depp always plays anti-establishment figures. and if you don't like Rollergirl, you're gay!
owned. watched. dvd croaks. need new copy.

40 Heavy Metal
again, better read than seen. was this the one with Julie Strain? ("no!" says the chorus line)
not owned. not watched.

39 X-Men: The Last Stand
although people seemed to like this, its obviously written for movie audiences. because if there was justice in this world, my grandkids would be watching X-Men 25: Return of Magneto.
owned. watched.

38 Ichi the Killer
no idea. must download.
not owned. not watched.

37 Mystery Men
not interested. but maybe ...
not owned. not watched.

36 Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence
watched the first one, and the sequel is waiting for me.
owned. not watched. yet.

35 Spider-Man 3
they killed off the wrong character - Kiki Dunst must die!!! you have the perfect replacement in Dallas Bryce Howard. and what's with the emo poster boy Peter Parker? at this rate, we'd rather have Topher Grace switch roles for Spiderman 4. and can't you just see Dr. Connors itching to become The Lizard? bring on the Sinister 12!
watched. will be owned.

34 300
what else can i say? release the Director's Cut DVD already!
watched. will be owned.

33 The Rocketeer
at one point in time, Tim Dalton was bandied about to play the role of a possible high-flying superhero. here he's the bad guy. hooray then for Robert Downey Jr.
not owned. semi-watched.

32 Hulk
in this movie, director Lee revved up the Angst. hehe. always wanted to say that. but am eagerly awaiting the Louis Letterier version.
owned. watched.

31 Dick Tracy
not a fan of suave cops talking into watches.
not owned. semi-watched.

30 Swamp Thing
not a fan either. is this the Marvel or the DC shit?
not owned. not watched.

29 Barbarella
somewhere, somehow, a bloated and burping Simon Le Bon surveys all that he rules.
not owned. not watched.

28 Addams Family Values
ehhh.
not owned. not watched.

27 Batman
#27 only? why? Michael Keaton was the only one who could pull it off (prior to 2006). and until Heath Ledger proves otherwise, Jack Nicholson still owns the Joker character. so how could Batman Returns rank higher than the original? prior to this, you only had the campy Adam West (who's now comedy material in Family Guy). and did you ever listen to the radical Prince soundtrack? what's going on here?
owned. watched.

26 The Mask
ah, the days when Cameron Diaz was really pretty. or maybe pretty made up.
not owned. only because blank Memorex DVDs suck. watched.

25 Flash Gordon
do you remember the scene where the hero and the girl do it in the rocket ship? and the orgy scene in the emperor's palace? wait ... did you say Flash Gordon? yeah, thumbs up!
not owned. watched.

24 Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
already a cult classic, written by no one else but the great Paul Dini.
not owned. watched.

23 Batman Returns
a bit too depressing for me. maybe they should have cast Joe Pesci as the Penguin, just to enliven things up. "What do you mean I'm funny? Funny how? What's funny about it? You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"
owned. watched.

22 V For Vendetta
yeah, yeah, am late. i will, i will. i promise.
not owned. not watched.

21 Akira
blew me away. still does. too psycho.
owned. watched.

20 Over the Hedge
great, great fun. not just for kids.
owned. watched.

19 Superman II
can they remaster this on HD-DVD or Blu-Ray? and have like 3 alternate endings?
not owned. watched.

18 The Crow
matched with a killer soundtrack i still play to this day, The Crow instantly got hip cred with the tragic death of Brandon Lee. no matter how much they might fuck the franchise up, this one will stand the test of time.
owned. watched.

17 Superman Returns
not being sold on the gayness of Brandon Routh, i just resolved to get the DVD when i do get an HDTV.
not owned. not watched.

16 X-Men
i still remember that night i pissed in my pants in a Lake Mary cinemahouse. ah, happy times.
owned. watched.

15 Sin City
sometimes, some films are meant to be savored later. and yes, i know, Jessica is in this and why the hell did i procrastinate? i hate myself already. happy now?
not owned. not watched. yet. emphasis on the YET.

14 Ghost in the Shell
still a cutting-edge classic.
owned. watched.

13 Hellboy
just like Sin City, something to be savored later. yes, i just used my birthday discount in Borders for it.
owned. not watched. yet.

12 Oldboy
yes, yes, yes, i'm downloading it right now!!! stop it! stop it!
not owned. not watched.

11 Road to Perdition
just when we thought he was full of himself in Castaway, Tom Hanks pulls us back in! didn't everybody cheer when Jude Law got whacked too?
owned. watched.

10 Metropolis
wha-? i must have dozed off on that one. clicking on Demonoid right now ...
not owned. not watched.

9 Superman: The Movie
putting Christopher Reeve's best-known star turn on the Top 10 is just right. R.I.P.
owned. watched.

8 Batman Begins
a pretty low ranking, despite its critical acclaim. i expect the next one to go higher. and please, no more Katie Holmes. how about Katee Holmes?
owned. watched.

7 Men in Black
the epitome of fun. back when Will Smith was still one of the guys. now he makes people cry (if The Pursuit of Happyness won't make you, you're the Grey Gargoyle!).
owned (VHS). watched.

6 A History of Violence
highly enjoyable. and not just because of Maria Bello, okay?
not owned. watched. waiting for the DVD sale.

5 X2: X-Men United
dark is good. we really can't have Jean Grey dying on the moon, or Magneto inducing a stroke, but this is okay (again, by movie-going standards). but the creme here is the Wolverine-Lady Deathstrike throwdown. imagine all the pants soiled in cinemas everywhere. including mine.
owned. watched.

4 Spider-Man
placing twice within the Top 4 is just good karma for fans after years of suffering through clones, dead relatives, bad costumes, and more clones.
owned. watched.

3 Ghost World
admittedly, i never saw this. i will rectify that. soon.
not owned. not watched.

2 American Splendor
indie success! but not for run-of-the-mill comic geeks.
owned. watched.

1 Spider-Man 2
just before going out to watch the third installment, went out and got the 2.1 version. this will be cool eye-candy when i get my HDTV in ... 2010?
owned. watched. loved.