the twain indeed, had met

with all apologies to the great Rudyard Kipling, his lament came to naught. what would he thought of the 21st century? his world is now a global village. and cultural divides can be bridged, even in comic books. like in Geoff Darrow's Shaolin Cowboy.

if you can imagine a hodge podge of John Wayne, your favorite old time kung fu movies ("you killed my teacherrrr!!!"), a bit of Shrek here, a bit of Kill Bill there, and a cocktail of LSD and pot, that pretty much describes what Shaolin Cowboy is about. i'm just not sure what your mind will interpret after those drugs sink in (though some readers probably could - yeah, you, i'm referring to you).

where else should this drug-addled story start but in the desert (i can already hear Horse With No Name faintly playing in the background), where we find our protagonist - no name, of course - dispatching three dudes named John/Juan/Jon ("the John Boys") off to the wild blue yonder.

turns out the three dead guys are just part of a huge contingent of bounty hunters all aiming for Shaolin Cowboy's head (if John Wayne had a Chinese mom, he'd look like this). i wonder what for, because he's mostly quiet (speech economy). the dialogue and narration is provided by his ass - i mean, his mule, whom we learn later has the exquisite handle of "Lord Evelyn Dunkirk Winniferd Esq. the Third". and he's much more of a riot than Shrek's Donkey.

Darrow's art reminds me of Frank Quitely (i assume Darrow will say exactly the opposite), and he earns his spurs right in the opening issue with a ultra detailed "splash page" covering - yes! - ten freaking pages! (sorry, i can only provide you a small sample)

when its so obvious that the group's intent is definitely not of the loving kind, Shaolin Cowboy has to rely on his acrobatic skills to draw first blood.


as you know, Rambo had the right idea. and QT has the cinematic style. Darrow combines both.


and all hell breaks loose!!!

mowing down a good chunk of his enemies, with some help from the mule, er ... Lord Evelyn, the remaining bad guys call for a truce. but no! the ringleader of this little soirée will have none of that crap. you won't even guess who it is ...

yep, its a goddamn crab.

i hate crabs.

so, we learn this aggrieved (and eloquent!) crustacean - King Crab! he calls himself - assembled the bounty hunters to capture our hero. mirroring the aforementioned Saturday afternoon martial arts matinee shows, King Crab wants his revenge because ... because ... Shaolin Cowboy ate his family!!! oh, the ignominy.

Darrow's wit is as sharp as Shaolin Cowboy's sword, and the book earns its 350 cent cover price with gems such as:

King Crab (addressing Shaolin Cowboy): Each of my defeats (have left) a bitter, unforgettable taste on my lips. Have you ever wondered i have been so persistent? so indefatigable?
Lord Evelyn: Not me, but i was wondering if crabs have lips? Aren't they mandibles?
King Crab: My lips don't concern your ass. Would you instruct it to stay out of this?

King Crab: The moment you sat down and tied down your lobster bib and ordered, a shadow fell over my family and our future happiness. I understood the true meaning of buffet then. Buffet ... the Crab Slayer!

by some miracle, King Crab did avoid becoming part of the meal, and thus was free to pursue the Cowboy for his revenge! he even found the Shaolin temple that kicked out the Cowboy, giving him the chance to learn ju-jitsu to aid in his quest for vengeance (obviously this crab is a little overcooked in the noggin). he now calls himself the "Shaman King Crab". yes, i know.

on this matter, let's see what Lord Evelyn the Mule has to say:

Shaolin Cowboy, having heard this tale of woe, drops his sword, and asks for forgiveness, as a humble Shaolin warrior should. but no! King Crab wants to use his 12 forms of animal "ju-jitsu" on the Cowboy and whup his ass. screw forgiveness! and screw Bud!! (that's "Buddha" to you neophytes).

what happens next is an absurd and hilarious fight scene between man and crustacean, interspersed with the sneaky fratboy banter that Geoff Darrow slips in. i can see him ROTFL while he was drawing this.

so how to stop a loco crab hellbent on revenge? why, just smash its face as hard as you can.


in a slam-bang ending, the punch causes King Crab to fly through (and i mean through) several of his henchmen, ending up hitting a car with such force that it flips over and crushes all the remaining bad guys. easy no?

Shaolin Cowboy asks for forgiveness from a dazed King Crab one more time, but cautions him not to cross his path again, because the past is past. Lord Evelyn is much less forgiving, stomping on the crab's pincers just for good measure.

and that's just issue #2.

continuing their travels, we are treated to more of the mule's storytelling and commentary (that's Darrow masquerading as a mule - his favorite actor is Robert Mitchum. yeah, Darrow is a Mitchum man). my favorite is his story about his shoes, which he bought from some vendor, who claims that "they're (made of) some special unbreakable metal" ... coming from "some dead nutcase Canadian yahoo" ... "who had his skeleton replaced" with it ... "sounds as painful as it would be stupid" ... so he could join "some bunghole fraternity who like to travel around places kicking butt". i didn't stop smiling after that one.

here's Lord Evelyn's take on the music scene, based on seeing several dead bodies on the road:


and who, curiosity compels us, could be the architect of this massacre? no one else but:


a baby. what-?

anyway, the baby's not the immediate concern, as we have three supernatural idiots who think they're as hip as can be.


just for clarity, their names are Father Ma, Mr. Excellent, and Skippy G. yeah, you know me.

Mr. Excellent gets the nod to kick Shaolin Cowboy's ass (himself, not the mule). and wipe the desert sand with him he does.


and its the mule to the rescue! or as he puts it, "the horse saving the jockey".

another absurd fight follows. Cowboy uses Mr. Excellent's head as a shield. Father Ma and Skippy G provide the play by play.

the comical fisticuffs reach crazier heights (or is that lows) when the mule has to, uhh, pass excrement on the headless Mr. Excellent holding on to its tail.

it ends up with Cowboy cutting off his mule's tail, to the latter's irritation. the headless skeleton prepares for final battle, doing an Iron Fist impression.

too bad, it backfires when Cowboy uses the head again against the skeleton's focused chi.

wait, what was this all about again?? it turns out these three ... jokers, from the clan Chi 8 (straight outta Compton), need the baby (who still is walking around saying "mine"), their "bling" to control the chi in the world. Shaolin Cowboy and his ass were just in the wrong place at the wrong time (or otherwise, depending on how you look at it).

Father Ma and Skippy G prepare to commence hostilities anew, but before they can do so, everyone feels the earth move!

seems like Shaolin Cowboy, Lord Evelyn and the baby were standing on something ... that something being a large dinosaur on whose back sits the city of Chi 8. Shaolin Cowboy loses his grip and is swallowed, along with his sword (where Mr. Excellent's head is spiked, and still bemoaning the death of his skeletal body).

deep into the lizard's gullet, Shaolin Cowboy finds himself in a new version of hell - floating on a cow's carcass in a sewer pit full of dead bodies and trash. summoning his inner MacGyver, he fashions an oar from a metal pole and a chainsaw (for reasons obvious later). meanwhile, Mr. Excellent channels his own inner spirit and extricates himself from the cow's body (while still shishkebobbed on the sword). finding "lawyers" instead of a doctor, Mr. Excellent commandeers a shark to fence with his human tormentor.

and another absurd fight ensues, deep in the belly of a beast. great white versus a chainsaw ? no contest. Peter Benchley rolls in his grave.

and the result is ... fillet charcarodon.

it also means Mr. Excellent gets one hell of a headache and starts talking 'in split'. and it gets worse when it turns out he has a wife and she exists in this pit.

Donkey, i mean, the Mule on the other hand, has the baby and is rapping with the best (worst) Ali G rejects in funnybook history.


let's see 'em drop some shit:

Lord Evelyn: What I AM seeing in this baby "bling" is my get out of little sweetie free card, and as long as I hold it Donald, I got the trump on you and Ivana up there.
Father Ma: Ah ... the tired pop culture reference. How droll ... and how sure a sign of humor born out of desperation.
Skippy G: I'm gonna go ass-tronaut on this ass as soon as you Nagasaki the word on me, Daddy M!

the two dorks snatch the baby away by those little things he holds in his hands but it turns out to be the wrong decision as the baby rips their arms away to break loose.


Lord Evelyn tries to save the falling child but is quite unnecessary. the baby then turns into a ... monkey. what th-??

meanwhile, back in the dark pit of the lizard's belly, Shaolin Cowboy has to endure some yucky make-out sessions, and the reconstitution of Mr. Excellent (sexual healing, indeed!). to make things worse, they sic their zombie kids on him.

and so ... where the hell is issue #8?!?

Shaolin Cowboy is one hell of a laugh riot, if you're weird like me. i just wish it came out on a much more regular schedule.

a few more notes:

- each comic has an opening monologue - kinda like them late night shows - and they were written by the Wachowski Brothers. wait, shouldn't that now be the Wachowski Siblings? or just plain Wachowskis?

- poking fun at its 2005 Eisner nominations, issue #3 trumpeted "Eisner Award Loser" on its cover.

- and i leave you with: