u don't know jack

Union Jack
Christos N. Gage/Mike Perkins/Andrew Hennessy
Marvel


guess who the UK's premiere hero is. Captain Britain? close. Prince Charles? ehhh. Horatio Nelson? sheeesh. oh, i know! Helen Mirren! she's the Queen! both the first and the second!!

you don't know jack, you useless knob. its Union Jack.

backstory: the original Union Jack (in the Marvel Universe) was Lord Falsworth, who served alongside Captain America back in World War II. they had this supergroup called the Invaders, which they so named themselves because they took the war back to Hitler and Germany (aside from fighting Nazi vampires as well). but they would have made quite a great rock band - they already had the name, for starters. anyhoo, Falsworth passed away and Captain America conveniently got frozen and resurrected in modern times. the mantle of Union Jack was passed on to Falsworth's grandson's friend (geez - why not "Falsworth's nephew's nursemaid's cousin's baker's son's classmate's half-brother"?), Joey Chapman, a workingman's son. who's as awed as anybody serving with the living legend who's roughly the age of his own grandpa. this series spun off from a recent Captain America story arc, and given the unpopularity of PM Tony Blair because of backing Bush in Iraq, and recent terrorist attacks on British soil as well, somebody greenlighted a mini-series for the British masses to take pride in.

Union Jack has just been summoned by the deputy director of MI5, Gavin, a canny operator whom Chapman has had differences with in the past. current situation has a splinter cell of Marvel's own techno-terrorists, A.I.M. (that's Advanced Idea Mechanics), the stupidly-named R.A.I.D. (Radically Advanced Ideas in Destruction) threatening to launch multiple strikes at London to show that they have a better aim. just like their parent organization, they have no sense of humor. geeks.

of course, you don't expect Union Jack to fix all these problems by himself. neither did he. but since all major superheroes were too busy ("you have reached the X-Men; the fact that you got connected means we are not fighting Magneto today, but we are probably out chasing other exotic villains who hate our kind, or kidnapped by aliens who want us to beat up other aliens for them. please leave a message and we'll get back to you. and remember: we are human beings too; we just have better DNA than you. have a nice day."), U-Jack gets saddled with a few warm B-list bodies: Contessa Allegra Valentina De La Fontaine (former S.H.I.E.L.D. deputy director), Israel's own superheroine, Sabra, and the Saudis' own Arabian Knight. the latter two, true to type, immediately start bickering even before the tea gets cold.


the Arabian Knight, who has a big sword and uses a magic carpet as a vest (no kidding), is a dead ringer for the Iraqi guy in Lost. someone's a fan.

information from a singing canary provides information that a bunch of pathetic D-list badguys have been tasked to carry out the deeds - they just don't know where. so after tracking and taking down two of them, U-Jack's team learns that each "terror cell" are working independently, and to tweak U-Jack's working class sensitivities, all the rich and powerful seems to have been privy to the situation. U-Jack decides then to go on air and inform the public of the situation, and "calmly go to your basements or shelters". which of course is never followed. humans have always been easy pickings for mass hysteria and panic, whether due to force majeure or free money.


Gavin yells at him for jumping the gun, and true enough, the Tower Bridge, the London Underground and Heathrow airport are attacked while people are fleeing (what, out of the country? that's chicken!). U-Jack gets pissed (i mean the American term, not the British one) and just jumps into the Thames to help the trapped passengers on the East London line (between Wapping and Rotherhithe ... i never rode that when i was there. was it there in the last millennium?).

Jack O'Lantern (whoever it was that day) disses U-Jack right from the get-go. guy gets no respect.

really? yo mama said you still wet the bed at night!

U-Jack shows them who's boss and kicks righteous ass (but just to keep it real, they were D-list, ok). commandeering an MI5 flying car (everyone has one these days), he helps Sabra out at the Tower and they both head to Heathrow, where Val and the Knight are pinned down by Firebrand, while a plane is being hijacked. Boomerang demonstrates why he's fallen down the Weekly Supervillain Rankings - he can't even beat a gurl. with a nice rack.


U-Jack and Sabra save the day by making a direct entrance.

where were they on 9/11?

this reads like a video game. after stopping the hijackers, U-Jack must now contend with his own three allies - who are now mind-controlled by the Corruptor.

you really can't rely on customer service these days.

being the most powerless of the four, U-Jack has to rely on his wits and his acrobatic prowess to avoid being embarassed.

"die, infidel castro!"

in the end, he gives up and resorts to name-calling.

Joey is udderly insane!

after getting things back to normal, there's an aww-shucks moment where people thank him for being their hero. there were fireworks, balloons, confetti and we were all in tears.


of course, things are not over yet. there's one more WMD - a term that should've died with Saddam - a Dreadnought (a big ass robot, but way below Sentinel-class) messing up Trafalgar Square.


now, Mr. Gage, Mr. Perkins, was this scene a reference to how the working class is always beat down and stamped on by the rich and affluent and powerful?

"England expects me to do my duty - guhh!"

who else comes to help but his fellow workingmen (obviously, Joey Chapman belongs to a craftsman's guild - why else is he called Union Jack?) - they bring a wrecking ball and U-Jack does the rest.


and so the longest day ends. just like the stereotypical cops who are late on every emergency, the biggies come in when its over. here's Micromax, a Brit mutant, apologizing for being somewhere else. currently, Micromax is in critical condition for again being somewhere else (like the business end of Shatterstar's sword).

"just like your physique is bollocks, mate!"

the Jew and the Arab, as usual, part in the stereotypical way.


but wait - Joey Chapman, workingman's hero, has an epiphany! he realizes that all the previous events were smoothly used by Gavin, who has ascended to the MI5 directorship, for his own gain.


Gavin neither confirms nor denies the allegation. but he reminds Joey that without MI5, he'd be taking the subway to crime scenes.

which brings us to the inescapable conclusion: crime does pay.
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issues read; #1-4